Ice & Prejudice

Chapter 50

Ria's POV:

I'd been avoiding Nikolai for a week now, and it was exhausting. Every day felt like a new level of hide-and-seek, a game I hadn't signed up for but was determined to win. It started right after he dropped me off, and I blocked his number that same night. I thought it would be easy, that I could just push him out of my life like he was some mistake I could erase. But he was persistent-too persistent.

I found myself taking completely different routes to my classes, ducking into side hallways or blending into crowds of students whenever I caught a glimpse of him near my lecture halls. More than once, I hid behind the counter at Ruby's when he came by asking for me, my heart pounding so loudly I was sure everyone could hear it. Once, I even climbed up the fire escape to my building because I saw him waiting by the front door. The whole thing was ridiculous, but I couldn't stop. Every time I saw him, it was like my brain short-circuited, and all I could think about was getting as far away as possible.

Stacy was right. My sisters were right. I shouldn't like him. It was never going to work out anyways. He was bad news. He was a bad person. But was he? Yes. Yes, he was. If he hadn't lied for his monstrous brother, things might've been a lot different. But he had lied for him.

Midterms had started, and I'd convinced myself that maybe Nikolai would think I was just stressed-that my ignoring him had nothing to do with the fact that I was trying to pretend he didn't exist. But then the letters started again. Burgundy envelopes, sealed with his initials, and always left where I'd find them-slipped under my usual seat in class, left on the counter at The Ruby, in my mailbox. The messages inside were almost desperate, pleading for me to unblock him, just to talk. He promised he wouldn't wait outside my building, wouldn't come by my classes if I just let him talk. He even said he'd leave me alone if I just unblocked him so we could talk on the phone-though he made it clear he'd much rather speak in person.

I tried to ignore how cute that was, how persistent he was. I tried to ignore how much I wanted to cave in, just to see what he would say, how he felt. But with midterms, the pressure of my final undergrad year, and everything going on with Nikolai, it felt like I was suffocating. Layla turning out to be his stepsister had only added to the confusion, and I felt like I was trapped in some twisted soap opera I couldn't escape.

Stacy usually I blew off some steam with her sorority sisters or hooked up with someone to relieve the stress. She was always one to party her way through exam season, but that wasn't my style. The only thing I could think about was Nikolai. Even though I knew I shouldn't, even though I'd promised myself I wouldn't let him get under my skin, he was there in my mind-constantly. The way his tousled hair fell across his forehead, the way his eyes darkened after he kissed me, the way his strong, calloused hands had gripped me like I was the only thing keeping him grounded-it was impossible to forget. The way his boner poked into me, the way he was so obviously into what we were doing.

Before I knew it, I was lying on my bed, my thoughts spiraling out of control. The more I thought about him, the more I felt that familiar ache building, the one I'd buried for years after the assault. But it was different now. It wasn't about fear or pain-it was about wanting him, craving that connection, even if I knew I shouldn't.

I haven't done anything sexual in three years. I tried, though. But every time I did, I just kept seeing Vlad above me, blood on his digusting fingers as he...well, you know. I knew hooking up with a random guy wouldn't help, countless therapists said the same thing. I tried to get myself to that state though, with my fingers, but every time I started to get close I just got flashes of Vlad. So I stopped trying after awhile.

The physical attraction to anyone was just never there after what Vlad did. Porn did nothing for me. Even books with those scenes made me want to vomit as my thoughts started to spiral back to that night, the weeks before that, and the weeks after.