Life After Suicide: A True Story

I miss you

I sat there. Waiting for the words to come to me. Seemed like ages before anything came out of my mouth.
Watching you breathe with that machine. Watching your eyes go back and forth, like they do in a dream but more frantically.
Was that you there? Or just a thing our bodies do when we die?
I watched you for a while before I spoke up again. This time with
"We will love them babies and remind them every day how much you love them." Then I talked about the good times, the bad times, and even things that only you and I know, now my niece does too. I laughed and cried a lot thinking of how difficult this was going to be.
I stayed by your side for almost an hour, just talking and watching you. I touched your arm, it was so stiff and hot to the touch. I touched your head, and moved hair out of your face. I wanted to hug you but I also didn't want to move anything that needed to be there, so I stayed where I was sitting. I put my arms up on the railing and rested my head on them just watching your face and your chest breathing.
I talked about that day at lunch when I heard the bullies saying they were going to throw something at you and I told you to duck and you looked up and said "where".
For a while, I just sat there watching you. Not sure of what to do, say, or even think. I still don't know what to say or think. I know we all miss you.
Your family told me to take all the time I need with you that no one is going to be upset with me for how long it took me.
I wish I had taken longer with you, I really do. I wish I could have, but at the same time it shouldn't be like this. We talked so much about how we were going to terrorize the nurses in the old people's homes.
How we were gonna take the kids trick or treating this year and what we were gonna do for Halloween.
We talked about so much stuff that now won't happen. I hate this. I fucking hate it but how can I be sad when I got to know the most pure, beautiful, soul and woman ever.
I have met so many new people who've been TOUCHED by you and who've heard all the things you went through all the abuse and trauma and were motivated to keep going because you told them it was worth it. You saved so many lives in life and after. You donated organs and helped others. You were the shining light to so many people's lives and I know you know YOU. Most of our friendship was traumatic and hard but you made it out the first time. This time you couldn't, you were tired and ready.
I am not upset that you left us, my upset that you didn't reach out for help. That you put your phone on do not disturb and leave the world.
I know you were hurting babes and I do get it. I do. I was there through almost all the traumatic times you had. I watched the pain you had and then you'd turn it into sunshine for others. I wish I could have helped you. I wish you would have reached out to me.