The Way I Loved You ✓

30. When the party's over

The second single from WHEN WE ALL FALL ASLEEP, WHERE DO WE GO?, “when the party’s over,” sees Billie Eilish putting some distance between her and her lover. [Source: Genius Lyrics]

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Fun fact: this isn’t fun.

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Chapter Thirty: When the party's over

Nathan didn’t wait for long before he drove off. I stood there, confused, wondering what I did wrong.

After everything that had happened today, I was hoping he’d kiss me. That this perfect prom night would end in a magical kiss and my life would really start to look like a fairytale.

Now, standing there in my prom dress, looking at the empty street, it felt like reality had crashed into my daydreams and made them bleed.

Did I read too much into his feelings? Did I pick up the wrong signals? Maybe he never liked me. Perhaps I gave his actions too much importance, thinking all of them meant something.

But he did so much for me. How could he do all that if he didn’t have any feelings for me? Was he just being kind?

Somehow, I made it inside my house. I was thinking too much. I found myself in my room, not even sure how I got there. I was racking my brain for every interaction we had, dissecting all of our conversations, everything I could remember.

“There you are,” Mom said, knocking on my door. I looked up at her. “Your photos.”

Mom dropped an envelope on my table, which contained the Polaroid from earlier, “Don't blame me for some of these. You two were moving too much. Not my fault.”

I tried to smile at her. Then I looked at the envelope for a few moments as she watched me and left. I grabbed it and brought out the photos.

Nathan was smiling in the first few photos, looking at the camera. But as I shuffled them, his expressions changed. Until I found the ones where he was looking at me. His eyes were on my face in every single one of them, with a smile tugging at his lips. His hand was around my waist.

He looked at me like he cared about me. He looked at me like it meant something.

How could I be so wrong?

I slumped back onto my bed. I hated calling people out. I hated confrontations. I would hate to let him know I had feelings for him without knowing he had feelings for me, too. But I couldn’t care anymore.

Nathan would have to tell me the truth. I couldn’t give up. Not now, after all this time.

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Sunday went in a haze. I was in bed all day, thinking, overthinking. I kept looking at my phone, hoping for something to come through– a text, a call.

Our girl group chat was blowing up. I checked the texts, but I didn’t have it in me to reply, to have fun. They sent photos of us. Azra had taken a candid photo of me and Nathan dancing; me looking up at him like my world revolved around him, and him looking down at me like we were the only two people on the dance floor.

There were quite a few photos like that. All of them were proof. All of them felt like a punch to my gut.

I couldn’t text Nathan for fear that he’d avoid me. I wouldn’t be able to handle his indifference. So I spent the day unfocused, confused, and waiting for the worst to happen.