before us

chapter 6

Lily

Watching Gilmore girls was not the same without my little girl. Tom had left the house to spend time with people other than his family.  He couldn't bear staying under the same roof with his family let alone me. As much as I tried to be the perfect wife, I still wasn't his 'good enough'. As I finished warming up my popcorn I walked to the coach. Feeling a sense of coldness, I knew Lorelei was upset with me for grounding her but I was more disappointed with her doing something no one her age should be doing. It's my responsibility as her mother to discipline her and I wish she sympathised with me on that. She spent all day in her room, she skipped dinner leaving me and Tom sitting across from each other quietly eating with the only sound playing was our silverware.

Lorelei and I would spend most of our Saturday nights watching rom coms and Gilmore girls. Sometimes we would  stay up late the same night and spend our Sundays gardening and recapping about our week - Our relationship was special. When we first watched Gilmore girls,  I remember Lori being younger and with her cute little voice "Mama she has my name!" and I said "What a coincidence honey" while wiping the chocolate ice cream off her chubby blossomed cheeks.

Tonight I watched season 1 episode 11 of Gilmore girls. Emily and Lorelei were arguing and I couldn't help but not wish me and Lori would have this type of bumpy relationship. Lorelei is a teenager now and things were naturally changing, but finding out she was smoking made me think there were some things that I really did not know about. It made me think she's probably been struggling or having a hard time at school. But i wasn't perfect myself, i've been keeping a secret of her father's affair from her for three whole years but it's only been to protect her. Tom's  business trips never existed, he still works in town and lives in the hills which are an  hour from here. Tom comes home on the weekends to visit so we could hide the fact that he's not living here anymore from the people in the neighbourhood, but of course sooner or later once the divorce is finalised things must be said.

I'm just not ready to let go yet.

I paused the television  and set my popcorn on the table and made my way upstairs to Lorelei's bedroom. I swallowed my pride and gently knocked on her door.

"Hey Honey, i've got some popcorn and gilmore girls your favourite" my smile fades not hearing a response, maybe she was asleep, i turn to walk away from the door but my gut was telling me to try again.

"Lorelei?" Still not a word, I placed my hand on the door knob and opened the door and turned on her lights. Her room was a mess,  clothes were  all over the floor, her makeup was scattered on her table.

"This is absurd", I scoff.

I pick up the clothes neglected on the floor and scan the room, realising her pillows are missing.

I blow the strands of hair out of my face and drop the clothes, noticing a lump under the covers. I pull back the blanket and see the pillows, but Lorelei is nowhere to be found. My hands start to shake. "No... no... no," I say, my voice rising in panic.

I hear the door slam shut from downstairs, a sense of relief washes over me "Thank Goodness, Lorelei," i say, running downstairs expecting to see my petite long haired daughter,  only to see Tom take off his coat and place it on the clothing rack without a care in the world, i look around having  my hands in my mouth in disbelief that she's ran away. He nods at me whilst on the phone brushing past me.

"She's... She's gone," my voice was small, everything felt hollow, he continued his conversation "She's not in her room" my voice was unheard once again.

"Could you give me a second," he says, moving his phone away as he turns around and says, "i'm on the phone," followed by a scoff, he moves the phone back to his ears.