Secret Admirer

12. Inner conflict

As the room plunged into complete darkness after Ciro blew out the candle, Kayu's anxiety began to creep back in. 

The unfamiliar surroundings and the lingering fear of what might lurk in the shadows made his heart race. He knew it was irrational, but the darkness always brought back those childhood memories, making him feel vulnerable and uneasy.

Without a word, Kayu inched closer to Ciro, who lay on the bed with his back turned towards him. He didn't want to disturb Ciro, but the proximity to someone he trusted gave him a small sense of comfort.

Ciro, on the other hand, was far from comfortable. He had been trying to deal with the whirlwind of inappropriate thoughts that had been swirling in his mind ever since they settled into bed.

 The warmth of Kayu's body so close to his own was only making things worse. He could feel his lower abdomen starting to heat up, and to his horror, he realized he was getting a boner.

This isn't happening, Ciro thought, mortified by the way his body was reacting. Not for Kayu. It's just the circumstances... the darkness...

But no matter how much he tried to rationalize it, the reality was undeniable. His body was betraying him in a way that made him feel both embarrassed and confused. 

Kayu had been his trusted secretary for years, a reliable, professional colleague, not someone who should be stirring these kinds of feelings in him.

Ciro shifted slightly, trying to control himself, but the movement only made him more aware of Kayu's presence. He could feel Kayu's breath, steady and close, as if the darkness had stripped away the barriers that normally kept them apart.

This isn't supposed to happen, Ciro repeated to himself, trying desperately to get a grip. But his body wasn't listening. 

The more he tried to suppress the reaction, the more intense it became. He felt trapped, trapped by his own unwanted desires and by the proximity of the one person he couldn't afford to feel this way about.

Kayu, sensing Ciro's discomfort but unaware of its true cause, whispered softly, "Sorry, I just... it's really dark. I don't mean to crowd you."

Ciro clenched his jaw, trying to keep his voice steady. "It's fine, Kayu. Just... try to sleep."

But sleep was the last thing on Ciro's mind. All he could think about was how wrong this was—how wrong it felt to be reacting this way to someone who had always been by his side in a purely professional capacity.

Yet, as much as he hated to admit it, the darkness and the closeness were making it impossible to ignore what his body was telling him. And that scared him more than the dark ever could.

Kayu lay on his back, eyes squeezed shut, hoping that sleep would eventually claim him. But his mind was in overdrive, a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts that kept him wide awake. 

The air felt heavy, not just from the oppressive humidity of the night, but from everything swirling in his head. He shifted slightly, trying to find a more comfortable position, but no matter how he moved, the sheets felt suffocating.

And then there was Ciro.

Ciro was lying next to him, his presence both a source of comfort and turmoil. Every slight movement—Ciro's slow, steady breathing, the soft rustling of the sheets as he shifted in his sleep—was magnified in Kayu's mind, making him hyperaware of the space between them.

 Or rather, the lack of space. Every inch felt charged with an unspoken tension. He could feel the warmth radiating from Ciro's body, and it made him even more restless.

He knew that he couldn't continue like this, lying there, staring at the ceiling, pretending to be at peace when his thoughts were anything but. His mind raced back to the events of the day, as it had been doing all evening. He tried, desperately, to distract himself by focusing on June. 

Their engagement had happened so suddenly, so publicly, that it had taken him off guard. 

June's proposal to him in front of their colleagues, the kind of grand, romantic gesture that everyone seemed to love. Except Kayu.

In that moment, surrounded by applause and cheers, Kayu had felt his heart sink. He had smiled, of course, said all the right words, and played the role everyone expected of him. But inside, he had been screaming. 

It wasn't that he didn't understand why June had done it. He knew her well enough to recognize the reasoning behind his rush to formalize their engagement. It was logical. Practical. But none of that mattered because, deep down, Kayu knew he didn't love June. Not like that.

It wasn't that he didn't care about June. He was a good person, someone he had always been fond of. But fondness wasn't love, and as much as he wanted to feel differently, he couldn't change what was in his heart. 

The engagement felt wrong, like a trap he had walked into with his eyes wide open. There was no way out. Not now. Not when so much was at stake. The engagement was as much about family expectations and social appearances as it was about June and him. 

And then there was Ciro.

His feelings for Ciro were the one thing he couldn't ignore, no matter how hard he tried. But the more time he spent with Ciro, the more impossible it became to deny the truth. And lying next to him now, their bodies so close but worlds apart, was a kind of exquisite torture.

Every time Ciro moved, every soft breath he took, reminded Kayu of the chasm between what he wanted and what he had. 

The feelings he had for Ciro weren't something he could just switch off. They were constant, gnawing at him, making his heart ache in a way that felt both unbearable and beautiful at the same time.

Ciro had no idea. At least, Kayu was fairly certain he didn't. He had never said anything, never hinted at his feelings, because how could he? It would complicate everything. To tell him the truth would risk everything. 

But what kind of life was he living now? One where he was trapped in a relationship he didn't want, engaged to a man he didn't love, all while pretending that everything was fine? It felt like a lie. And the longer he lived it, the harder it became to breathe.

The night dragged on, the minutes ticking by slowly. Kayu's mind was too full. Full of thoughts about June, about the engagement, about Ciro. 

About what he really wanted but couldn't have. The truth was that he wasn't just unsettled about the engagement—he was terrified. Terrified of living a life that wasn't his. Terrified of losing the one person he couldn't stop thinking about.

He turned his head slightly, stealing a glance at Ciro, whose face was turned away. How could he look so calm, so at ease, when Kayu felt like he was falling apart? The weight of his unspoken feelings pressed down on him, heavier than the darkness that filled the room.

Kayu closed his eyes again, trying to push the thoughts away. But they wouldn't leave. The truth was there, staring him in the face, refusing to be ignored.

He loved Ciro. He was engaged to June. And there was no way out.

The night felt impossibly long, the hours stretching endlessly ahead, as Kayu lay awake, caught between the life he was living and the one he wanted but couldn't have.