eating disorders all around
tw: eating disorders , body shaming , & eating disorder behaviors all around
please reach out if you're struggling. take care of yourselves, you're all so beautiful!! <3
italics are taylor's inner monologue thoughts
"there's no such thing as an unflattering angle. just unflattering opinions about yourself."
Taylor's POV
It was creeping back. I can feel it making its way back into my life. Sort of like when you avoid something then you simply cannot avoid it anymore. That's what it felt like. This unbearable crushing weight on my shoulders and my whole body. A feeling of uneasiness anxiety that I seem to not be able to shake off. I wish it was easy to flip on and off, like the light switches in a home. But once these thoughts are embodied into my mind, I can't turn them off. I let them over consume my every little thought, and dictate my life.
"Are you sure you wanna be eating that?"
"The camera adds ten pounds and by the looks of it I'm not so sure."
"Are you sureee you want to get that? Nobody is going to want to be around you after they see what you get."
As much as I try to tune it out I can't. Once it's flipped on it's near impossible to turn it off. Some days are easier than others while others, I am transported back in time when I was at what I thought was my highest, was actually my lowest. When this 'switch' turns on, my walls are built higher than ever and very few select people, can easily detect it's happening but also help tear down the walls before I go too deep.
This 'it' reference is simply the struggle I sometimes have with food and my body image. I wish I could eat and not have a care in the world. Most of the time I do eat without a care because I am fueling my body and keeping my body health, but once I see one tabloid about how my body looks, I shutdown. That's when my people pleasing belief system come back stronger then ever. It makes me want to show I 'didn't let myself go' but it took a longtime for me to even admit I had an unhealthy relationship with food but also I can't give into the tabloids and change every little imperfection.
My long-term relationship with food has been steady since dating Travis. During our first couple dates when we would get food, I was weary of what to get because I didn't want him to see this side of me but also wanted to appear 'normal'. But when I would try to get a salad and use the 'I'm on tour excuse.', he wouldn't buy it and rather explain that I need something with more protein to help give me energy while performing on stage. We rarely ever had moments like that come up because it has been nice. Being able to feel happy and comfortable in my own skin.
I heard my phone ringing on the coffee table in the music room. I am currently sitting on the floor because I feel as though I am more productive making and writing songs sitting on the floor rather than a more traditional way. As I went to grab my phone, I felt my face move upwards, grinning ear to ear. Travis was calling which means he is on his way home from practice.
"Hi Baby." I hear Travis say as I accept the call. I could tell they had just ended practice because of how out of breath he sounded.
"I miss you." I breathe, trying to not sound exhausted. I haven't been sleeping at night as all my thoughts are consumed by how am I going to hide that this is happening again.
"Well good news Babygirl, I am about to leave and I can pick up dinner if you want." Travis grinned. I knew he was. He's always said his favorite part of the day was when we would eat dinner together then spend the rest of the night with each other. Whether it was watching a movie, cuddling, cleaning up around the house. We always took after dinner time as time for us. We wouldn't talk about our work, or anything else that might be a stressor and break this peacefulness we have built in our home.
