tw: panic attacks, mentions of eating disorder behaviors.
am i losing my mind? maybe. will there be a part 2? maybe.
Taylor's POV
Exhausted doesn't even begin to comprehend how I feel. The past two weeks have drained and sucked the life out of me. Even though I am on a break from touring there is still so much that needs to get done before heading to Paris to kickoff the European leg of the Eras Tour.
Rehearsals for the brand new Tortured Poets Department Era, practicing and coming up with mashups for the acoustic section, The Tortured Poets Department promotion, and everything else in-between.
So like any normal person I suck it up and deal with it. The world doesn't stop spinning just because you can't handle the pressure of everything. That was another thing pressure. I cannot disappoint anyone because so many people spent thousands of dollars to come see me perform. Not giving my fans the best performance of my life each night scares me shitless because what if I can't top what I have done with The Eras Tour for any future tour I may go on. My career reached a whole new level of stardom and popularity since Midnights and the first announcement of tour dates in America.
With everything I have to do, I slightly avoid Travis during the day. If he is at a training session to maintain his stamina during the off-season, I schedule a rehearsal. We don't run through the full show everyday. Each day we work on one era then at the end of the week we'll run through the full setlist and see if any changes need to be made. Mostly we have been working on the Tortured Poets era because that is still brand new and it needs to be perfect before debuting it on stage. Or if Travis is home, I have a training session or costume fitting because we are debuting several new outfits opening night in Paris.
At night, my excuse will be that I am too deep into song writing I couldn't stop. I haven't written a song since writing the last song for the surprise double album drop for The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology, So High School. I stare at keys on my piano and nothing plays. I am positioned to play a song. My fingers are on the keys to start off the song but I seem to not be able to play. My mind is blank. If I can't play music then I have nothing left for me. That's when the tiredness starts to creep up on me. In my right state of mind, I head over to the kitchen and make a coffee.
Black. No sugar.
I used to hate taste of black coffee, but there was a point when all I wanted was black coffee so I learned to appreciate the taste of the dark roast coffee.
"Baby you heading to bed?" Travis asked, wrapping his arms around my waist, pulling me to his chest.
"I think I'm going to go back to the music room. Thought of this really cool idea and I want to get a beat down and send it to Jack so we can play around with it." I lie. I was just going to stare off into space because my mind is absolutely fired. Maybe having a coffee won't help but right now sleep is the last thing on my mind.
"Baby you haven't been in bed in over two weeks." Travis mummers gently while hugging me close to his chest. My head was resting right where his heart. His heartbeat always helps me relax. The calm soothing beats help me stabilize my breathing when I feel too much pressure from the outside noise but also helps me relax before I sleep.
"Trav I've just had all these good ideas." I gently argue, not caring that I haven't been sleeping.
"Babygirl no sleep is not good. Especially with tour coming up soon. The point of a break is to relax and everyone knows it. You work so hard and pour your while heart and passion into whatever you do. I don't want you to run yourself to the ground. I know you haven't been sleeping because I hear you making coffee then you sit in the music room and when you have a song, or an idea I hear you playing these beautiful melodies and I love falling asleep to you working your magic. But I hear nothing. Before I go to bed I check on you and you'll be sitting at your piano then when I wakeup in the morning you're still in the same position." He tells me. I feel the tears starting to form in my eyes but I refuse to let them fall. It's like there is this scoreboard in my mind. For every hour you don't sleep, for every meal you don't eat, every time you deny deny deny anything is wrong you get a point. Showing emotions, vulnerability, letting my guard down, a point gets taken away. It's something I've always done. It pushes me to work for something. Not many know about the battle between myself and my mental sanity. As long as Travis doesn't pickup on it, we're just going to keep going.
