Fake It Til You Make It

24

Esmeray woke up in Valentina's bed, for once, without a pounding headache from drinking way more than she could handle the night before. Val was an early bird, so by the time Esmeray woke up, Valentina had already been up for an hour and was downstairs making breakfast. Esmeray dragged herself downstairs and sat on the couch, watching Val meticulously measuring the pancake batter.

"Rise and shine," Valentina chirps. "We start pregaming at 8. Do you remember Maia from sophomore year? She's coming to the bonfire. She's bringing Leo, that guy who obviously liked me but never told me."

Esmeray nods her head mindlessly. She wasn't entirely listening to what Val was saying. She didn't care about Maia being there, she never liked her anyway. Esmeray didn't care about anyone who was going to the bonfire. All she was thinking about was the moment she'd see Cameron and how everything around her would freeze. She'd feel her stomach drop as their eyes locked and she would no longer have to pretend that the very sight of him didn't make her heart jump.

A loud knock on the front door wakes Esmeray from her daydreaming. She glances at Val with a confused expression as she gets up and heads to the door. She carefully opened the door, revealing Ryan on the other side. Esmeray hadn't seen or spoken to Ryan since they met at the coffee shop. Esmeray stared at Ryan blank-faced. He did the same.

"First to blink loses," Valentina chuckles—a failed attempt to relieve the tension.

Esmeray didn't know if she should've spoken first. She didn't know what to say. His hair grew slightly longer and his skin was a bit tanned. She thought of the last time she saw him—how angry he was with her. Unnecessarily angry, Esmeray believes.

Ryan shoves his hands into his pockets. "Hey," he says in a reserved tone.

"Hi," says Esmeray, still searching her brain for something, anything to say. Ryan's gaze suddenly softened and he looked like the kinder version of himself, the version Emsmeray missed so deeply.

"Esmeray, can we talk?"

Esmeray nods her head before the word yes comes out of her mouth. She and Ryan head to the side of the house and he leans on the wall as Esmeray stands before him.

"It's good to see you," Esmeray tells him. Ryan nods his head in response. Esmeray couldn't stand the way he was acting. He was so perfectly okay with not speaking to Esmeray for nearly a month and now he shows up and can't even pretend to care.

"You too. I'm not proud of how I've been acting. I guess I was jealous. Cameron was horrible to you but still, your eyes are always on him."

"Ryan," Esmeray interjects but he stops her.

"Hear me out," he says. "I got over it. I still can't stand him, but I love you more than anything."

Esmeray's eyes grew wide. She was happy to hear it, but she couldn't ignore how broken she's felt for the past few weeks.

"I'm glad, Ryan," she says softly. "But, Ry, what you did, I didn't think you could just cut me off like that."

"I didn't cut you off," Ryan finally pushed himself off the wall and stood up straight in front of Esmeray. "You played with my feelings, Esmeray," he tells her, his energy becoming more intense.

"That wasn't my intention, Ryan."

"But that's what you did," he replies immediately. Suddenly, Esmeray realized that she couldn't even recognize Ryan anymore. He never used to raise his voice at her or cut her off. He was a completely different person since she got with Cameron. "I'm over it, Essy. I missed you, let's just go back inside."

Esmeray—still taken aback—reluctantly followed Ryan inside with an uneasy feeling in her stomach. Esmeray thought that finally talking to Ryan would be like a weight being lifted off of her shoulders. So why does it feel like a boulder has just been placed on her back?

She played it cool for the remainder of the short time he was there. Ryan made it a point to be in and out but Valentina forced him to eat breakfast with them.

~~~

The girls walked down the beach hand in hand and joined the group of their former classmates at the bonfire. Music was blasting and drinks were flowing. The sounds of laughter almost made Esmeray forget how unsure she felt about her conversation with Ryan earlier. Still, she caught herself scanning the beach for Cameron. She was hoping that they could talk again, even if only a few words were exchanged.

Instead, she found that Valentina was no longer beside her but hungrily watching a bunch of guys play volleyball, and Eryn was walking toward her. She stood in front of her and extended her arm out to hand Esmeray a cup. Esmeray looks down—a flicker of distrust on her face—and back up at Eryn.

"It's not spiked, I promise," Eryn assured her. Esmeray takes the cup but doesn't drink immediately. "Where's your boy?" she questions.

"Wherever he is," Esmeray shrugs, pretending she wasn't fighting the urge to look around for Cam.

"Well, I have him to thank for my mom's new job. He told me he would do anything for you, so I guess I should thank you, too." Eryn tells her.

Esmeray almost didn't believe her. She stared at Eryn, waiting for her to laugh and say she lied about that part, but Eryn stared back at Esmeray waiting for her to say something.

"Yeah, I'm happy to hear about your mom." Esmeray finally said.

"Sorry, I had to get hostile. Part of it was for my mom, part of it was for me." Eryn admits. Esmeray nods, as she could understand wanting revenge on Cameron after being the butt of his jokes.

"Esmeray," she heard a voice behind her. She spun around to meet Ryan who was much closer to her than she expected. His eyes left her for a second, gazing over her head at Eryn. "Sorry to steal her from you," he said before he grabbed her wrist and pulled her to join everyone sitting around the fire.

"That was rude, I was talking to her," Esmeray told him as she sat down in between him and Valentina.

"We're playing spin the bottle," Ryan says as if that would have made Esmeray think otherwise. If anything, that made it worse. Esmeray didn't come to this bonfire to kiss other people.

Esmeray shakes her head and tells him, "No, I'm not playing." She stands up but Val gently grabs her arm.

"Essy, it's been weeks. You have to let it go, you're here, he's not." Valentina spoke. Esmeray dropped her shoulders and sat back down on the log.

"I'm still not kissing anyone," she grumbled to herself Esmeray hated to think that Valentina was right and that she and Cameron were really over. She didn't notice the string holding them together until they were apart. The farther he drifts, she can feel that string tugging at her, but she can't follow it. A guy stepped into the middle holding an empty wine bottle up in the air. It was one of Cam's friends, the guy who obnoxiously informed her and Cameron of the rumors about them "fucking".

"Y'all ready for spin the bottle?" he exclaims like a drunk frat guy and everyone hoots and screams to get the energy up. Zero, as everyone calls him, begins scanning the people sitting in the circle with a devilish grin in search of someone to spin first. His eyes land on Esmeray and her heart begins racing in hopes of him not choosing her. His eyes flickered to Ryan sitting beside her and his eyebrows raised slightly. Esmeray could feel her heart beating in her head, like a pounding headache, and the terror built in her. Finally, his lips parted and he sucked the air in to speak, "Valentina, you're up."