Butterfly, Don't Fall (Boyxboy)

Chapter 5 - Breathless

After a long, emotional hug and a lot of tears later, they walked back into the kitchen and finished breakfast. Well, Sam finished breakfast. Cam only moved his pancake around on the plate, taking a small bite once in a while but he couldn't finish it. He regretted every single bite, the demons were raging inside of him, telling him to stop eating right now and that throwing up was the best thing to do now. Yet felt bad for not eating Sam's pancake. The bassist noticed that Cameron couldn't manage to eat the pancake so he told him he didn't have to finish. He didn't know why he couldn't finish his pancake and he didn't really think about it either, even though he suspected an eating disorder before. Delighted and still feeling bad Cam got up and put the plates in the dishwasher "Why are you doing this, Sam?", he interrupted the silence "Doing what?" Sam got up as well and leant against the kitchen counter "You're so nice. I mean, my family doesn't give a shit about me and I'm totally used to that, but you? You seem to really care, well that's at least what you say. I just don't get it." He shut the dishwasher and looked Sam in the eyes. He had lovely eyes, they looked like there was an entire universe trapped in them. He could look at them forever "Cam, we already had this.", Sam sighed and came closer. "I care about you, like a lot. I'd literally do anything for you. There's nobody I love more than I love you. I know I should have told you that a long time ago but, well whatever. Fact is, I couldn't live without you and losing you is literally my number one fear." He earned a small smile from Cam "I wish I could just believe you." Sam came even closer and considered kissing him but he didn't. "I know. Now c'mon, let's do something nice! How about a movie?" Cam nodded and they placed themselves on the sofa.

Somehow Cam managed to shut out the demons and he felt somewhat free. But he didn't really watch the movie they chose, probably because Sam was with him. He regretted shutting him out so bad and he wanted to blame him for this but he knew it was his own fault. Snuggling up in Sam's arms made everything better and not even he could ruin it. There was no way that Cam would let him ruin this perfect day. For this short amount of time he didn't feel like drowning anymore, he didn't feel the need to hurt himself anymore, he didn't feel like breaking down any second anymore. He actually was happy. But of course it couldn't stay like this. Why would it?

Out of nowhere reality crawled back into Cam's brain and he couldn't cope with it. It felt like the demons got louder and louder and they pulled him further underneath the surface. He wasn't used to mood changes like this, all he knew was being dead inside. Once in a while, mostly when they where playing a show, he felt happy. It never lasted longer than a set but at least he still managed to feel happiness. He tried his best not to start crying and it worked, somehow. At least until he managed to get through the last bit of happiness Sam made Cam feel. "Everything okay? You look like you're just about to collapse!", Sam asked full of worry. "I'm fine, don't worry." Cam choked out and gave him a small smile. But of course Cam didn't tell the truth. His thoughts were racing and he couldn't breath, the room seemed to get smaller and hotter with every second that passed. His lung felt like someone tied a rope around it and started pulling at it. He started sweating and his whole body was shaking. "Shit, Cammy! Breathe. It's okay!" Not knowing what to do, Sam started to panic. What was he supposed to do? He gave his best to stay calm so that he wouldn't make anything worse. That was pretty much the only thing he could think of. "Look at me. Hey. Breath in and breathe out. It's okay, everything's okay!" Cameron looked so scared and it broke Sam's heart that he didn't know what to do.

After a while Cam started to calm down and his breathing synced with Sam's. Their eyes locked and the guitarist pulled Sam into a tight hug and his eyes started to fill with tears "Oh God, Sam!". A small smile appeared on Sam's face and he rubbed Cam's back "It's okay. Don't cry, I'm here." He gave him a kiss on the cheek "Would you like to talk about it?" The answer confused Sam "No, I'm okay now. Are you okay though?" He ignored his panic attack and his hallucination and wiped away the tears. "Yes, Cammy. I'm okay. Why?"