Butterfly, Don't Fall (Boyxboy)

Chapter 4 - I'm Running From Myself

After a short moment of shock everything around Cameron slowed down and he felt alive for the first time in forever. The kiss was slow and careful, yet still passionate and he could feel sparks shooting through his entire body. He enjoyed the kiss so much, finally after all these years he was able to kiss the man he loved to death. But even though a kiss from Sam was everything he wanted in life he pulled away. "I can't do this Sam. This is wrong. This wouldn't work at all. I'm just -" He escaped from Sam's grip and fled to the bathroom. "Cammy, wait! What are you talking about? Of course this would work. I mean only if you want to but -" The guitarist shook his head, turned around and his eyes locked with Sam's "It wouldn't Samuel. You deserve someone better than me. I'm not meant to be anything more than a friend to you. I don't even deserve being you friend. Yes, I do love you but I'm a burden. I'm just an annoying piece of shit and I hurt everyone around me. Also I won't be around much longer. You know that. I want you to find someone who you truly love and who doesn't fuck everything up. You care too much about me. Well to be honest you just feel bad and that makes you care." Cameron's words really hurt. He obviously feels like he didn't deserve anything.

The bassist started tearing up, "Fuck Cam! Stop saying this fucking bullshit! You are not a burden, you are not an annoying piece of shit, you don't hurt everybody around you, you don't fuck everything up! Don't you dare to say that I only care because I feel bad! I care about you because you're fucking amazing and I love you! I don't know why you think that you're not enough but I want you to know that you are! I really don't know what to do. Seeing you like this hurts more than anything! You started shutting me out a long time ago and I just thought we were drifting apart. I thought you hated me! I care about you so fucking much and I will never ever stop caring. You can say what you want but I will never stop loving you. I would do anything just to see you smile again" Sam paused and came closer to his crying friend "You know, I always thought I'm just confused. I grew up thinking that having "weird" thoughts about guys was normal and just a part of growing up. I always said I was straight, so I continued even after discovering my sexuality. I started dating Brittany as a cover up and I continued saying that I'm straight. After a while I actually thought I was. Till the day I met you. I literally fell in love with you the second we met. I regret staying in the closet because, of course, Brittany noticed after a while. That's why she started hating you. She didn't want me to fall in love with a guy. I should've broken up with her right away and come out but I was scared. I was so fucking scared that you'd hate me because you and Chad were so happy." Sam regretted mentioning Cam's ex right away "Oooh, good one Sam! Talking about Chad again. If only you knew. Am I right Cameron?", he smirked and leant against the door frame.

The guitarist's eyes were full of pain, he bit his lip and his fingernails dug into his forearm. "Hey Cammy, don't do that. Don't hurt yourself, please." Sam sighed, pushed Cam's hair out of his face and wiped away his tears away. "Did you really think you were straight even though you were thinking about dicks 24/7?", Cam changed the subject and chuckled, pretending to be fine once again "I didn't say that!" The small man blushed "But technically you did." Still as red as a tomato Sam defended himself "I didn't know that there were any other sexualities until I was twelve! My parents never said anything about that and I just didn't think that - whatever." Their eyes locked again and neither of them said anything until Sam realised that his friend seemed to be uncomfortable with something "Cammy? Is everything alright? Did I say something?" "No. Don't worry Sam. There is just so much going on and I -" He smiled, patted Sam's shoulder, shut the bathroom door and stepped into the shower. He turned on the water and as tears started rolling down his cheeks he whispered "I'm okay Sam. I'm okay." He was far from okay though, the demons inside his head were killing him and he hated that Sam cared so much. Nobody cared, so why would Sam?

That was a lie for sure. Sam walked back into the kitchen and searched for the number of Cam's doctor. He needed help and contacting his doctor to help Sam find a therapist was the first step. After a long chat with Cam's doctor, several phone calls and a lot of research he finally found a good therapist, who was not booked out yet. Even though Sam knew that Cameron was going to be really mad he booked an appointment for next week. Now all he had to do was to wait for Cam to get out of the shower and then tell him about the appointment. He took ages though and Sam started to get tired, he rested his head on his hand and he slowly drifted off to sleep. Eventually his head got to heavy for his hand and his head slammed on the table. He shot up, spleepy and confused. Sam rubbed his head and walked to the bathroom door to check if Cam finished so they could finally have breakfast. "Cammy? Is everything okay? You've been in there for like -" he leant back to look on the clock in the hallway "nearly an hour! Seriously, what's taking you so long?" Cam turned off the water and Sam heard him getting dressed. "Fine. Ignoring me sounds fun.." He rolled his eyes ,menatlly slapping himself, Cam has been through so much and Sam got mad. He shouldn't get mad, he should be supportive and not a dick. The door opened and the guitarist literally jumped and his face turned white "Bloody hell! You nearly gave me a heart attack!" He calmed down and shot Sam his best fake smile "Sorry. I was just worried so I decided to knock and make sure that everything's fine." Again a fake smile "Why were you worried? I just had a shower.", he laughed and entered the kitchen with Sam close behind. Cam grabbed a mug and started making tea "Want one too?" The small brunette nodded "Cameron." "Samuel?" this fake smile was really good and if Sam would not have seen his friend trying to kill himself he would definitely fall for it. "Cam, really. I'm fucking worried!"