Read If You Like Vampires And Angst And Yaoi

oh boy oh boy this one hurts :(

There are a lot of time skips in between these. I will fill them in eventually.

Felix figures out that he's in love with Micah and has a tiiiiinnnnyyy little panic attack over it. Everest helps to comfort him.

Big trigger warning for self harm in this one. It's quite graphic. Also, mentions of restrictive eating patterns and past abuse are present, though not as much so as the self harm.
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Oh god.

This is the exact opposite of what I wanted to happen.

   Felix quickly ran into his small cabin, the only place he could be considered remotely safe. Safe from ridicule, safe from danger… Safe from him.

   It’s almost hilarious, really. He’s a vampire, one who hadn’t felt love in years and years, falling for a priest, of all people. His life had been falling apart, he felt like everyone he had ever loved had left or needed help, and he knew damn well he himself wasn't fine.

   And it was all his fault. It's been his fault since the beginning, when he was a little kid, and he couldn't fight back, he couldn't even stay with who he was supposed to be married to. He couldn't even be a good wife for his family. so he had to find ways to cope.

   He wore his binder- well, more so bandages he'd found years back that cover up his chest like one -as long as he could until every breath burned and he was hunched over in agony, disgusted he needed to wear one in the first place, disgusted at himself for something he knew he couldn’t help.

   He tried to resist and avoid any ingesting of blood he could, terrified of hurting more people than he already had. He’s a fucking monster by every single definition of the word, it's not like he ever deserved food.

   He isolated himself for as long as possible- he'd been isolated for decades up until recently. He knew he'd just hurt the people around him. He knew he'd be a bother, that he would be annoying and inconvenient to be around.

   He tried his best to hide how he felt from the people around him. To hide his sadness, his guilt, his hatred for himself. Whenever he was around Everest, he tried his best to not tell them anything about himself. To only talk about them. He'd caved eventually, with their eye staring down at them, begging him to speak about himself with a mouth that wasn't there. He'd only shared minor details, though.

   And he cut. He cut his arms, his thighs, anywhere that gave him that rush of adrenaline and endorphins that make him forget about everything. About his childhood, about his mental health, about his hunger, about how everything around him is falling apart all because of him.

   Felix feels himself gasping for air, shaking violently as he reaches for the lock on the door, not wanting anyone to look for him, not wanting anyone to see him how he was. God, he was pathetic for even letting himself get to this point.

   you are fucking pathetic. You are so lucky they can't see you, they wouldn't care, they'd be absolutely thrilled to see you bleeding out on the floor-

   “SHUT UP! GET OUT OF MY HEAD- FUCK-!”
Felix shouts as he plants a few firm hits to his forehead, digging his nails into the sensitive skin until blood drips down onto his hands. He’d fully given up on locking the door at this point, the thought slipping his mind the moment he looked down at his bloodied hands.

Blood. I need to see blood.

   He hadn't cut in so long. So long was, in actuality, only about a week, but it felt like forever for him. He’d known that a relapse was coming on, and he, for the past few days, had been looking for a time away from Everest. Goddamn Everest.  It randomly shows up one day to “look after him”. how stupid of them to do.