Too Much, but Never Enough

Chapter 1- Not Good Enough

Clyde sits cross legged on the floor of Tolkien's basement, his back leaned up against the couch that Craig is so rudely taking up, lying across the length with his head resting in Tweek's lap. The blond's fingers comb gently through Craig's wavy black hair. Their overly affectionate behavior triggers a sense of jealousy in him, and Clyde can't help but think bitterly about how Bebe has blown him off yet again to hang out with the girls. Lately she's been canceling plans left and right because something came up with Heidi, and Clyde can't help the nagging feeling that they're probably on the cusp of yet another one of the many break ups they'd had over the years.

Maybe he's being too sensitive. It's not like plenty of their previous breakups haven't been because of his own insecurities. He just wishes that she'd be a bit more mindful of them, but also, he thinks that maybe she deserves a break from having to deal with them all the time. He's well aware of the fact that he must be a lot to deal with, he probably puts too much on her and that's probably why she'd rather hang out with Heidi, or Lola, or Esther, or anyone else really.

He scrunches up his face, pushing thoughts of Bebe away and instead focusing his attention on Tolkien. He, Stan, and Jimmy had started a band last autumn. Originally he'd suggested it as something for him, Tweek, Craig, Clyde and Jimmy to all do together, however they quickly found out that Clyde and Craig were both practically tone deaf, the extent of their musical talent was being able to fake their way through elementary school recorder classes and violin recitals. Neither one of them had actually been playing their instruments, and had only showed up because the school had required it.

Tolkien, on the other hand, was born for the stage. He has the voice of an angel and he's a natural on bass guitar. It had taken a bit of convincing on Clyde's part that he should still pursue his dreams of being in a band, just without him holding them back. Tolkien Black is nothing if not the most loyal guy Clyde has ever met, insisting that the dream meant nothing if they couldn't do it together. Eventually they'd come to the compromise that Clyde would attend practices as often as he could and support him from the sidelines, a duty that he takes very seriously.

Tolkien's band plays mostly cover songs, though Stan does occasionally write original things for them to play. At the moment they're playing a cover of Lonely Day by System Of A Down and Clyde feels Tolkien's eyes lock onto him as he sings the lyrics. "And if you go, I wanna go with you. And if you die, I wanna die with you. Take your hand and walk away."

Clyde can't take his eyes off of him, something about the way he performs is so mesmerizing and Clyde is completely captivated by him. He really is born to be on stage.

As the song ends, Nichole and Wendy hop up from their bean bag chairs, practically throwing themselves into their boyfriend's arms as they congratulate them on how great they sound. Clyde tries not to act too jealous as he thinks once again about how Bebe couldn't be bothered to show up. As hard as he tries though, he can't help the small frown that settles across his face.

He doesn't want to be, but he's just so jealous of Tolkien and Nichole's relationship that sometimes it can be hard to even look at them. They're just so perfect! He doesn't get how it's even possible. Clyde can't even remember ever seeing them get into an argument once, aside from in debate club practices, and the sappy sweet way they're always hyping each other up is nearly enough to make him sick. The two of them do nearly everything together, and seem to understand each other in a way that nobody else does. Clyde swears he's seen them have entire conversations without ever saying a word aloud. He desperately wants to share a connection like that with someone instead of playing the constant guessing game of what's on Bebe's mind. Even more than that he wants her to be able to notice when he's feeling insecure without him having to embarrass himself by admitting it. Maybe that's unreasonable of him. For a moment he considers that he's the problem, that no matter who he dates there will always be something wrong because there's some little part of him that's irreparably broken. She probably blows him off all the time to escape it.