Too Much, but Never Enough

Chapter 2- You Can Do Better

Clyde's plans of hiding out in his room until school on Monday hit a snag when Tolkien randomly drops by Saturday afternoon. "Hey, your dad let me in," he says casually, dropping his car keys on top of the dresser beside Clyde's bedroom door.

"Oh... uh.. hey T," Clyde responds awkwardly. He wasn't expecting any company and now that Tolkien's here he can't help but feel a bit embarrassed. He hasn't hauled himself up out of bed to do laundry yet, so his room is a wreck with dirty clothes strewn out all over the floor. Not to mention the fact that he hasn't bothered to shower in a few days and was planning on extending that stretch through Sunday, thinking nobody would be seeing him anyway so what does it matter? He probably looks (and smells) as bad as he feels. "What's up?" he asks, giving his friend an awkward smile as he looks up from the game of sims that's currently open on his laptop.

"I tried asking you if you wanted to hang out but you weren't responding to anyone," Tolkien replies, lightly shifting his weight back and forth between both feet. "Have you been up here gaming this whole time?"

"Uh... yeah..." Clyde replies.

Tolkien cracks a smile. Clyde doesn't quite understand it. In his own point of view, he must look pretty pathetic right now having been hiding out in his room all day to lose himself in a virtual world while he ignores all his real life friends and can barely drag himself out of bed to eat and use the bathroom, but the way Tolkien is looking and smiling at him is as if he's done something endearing. He desperately wishes for a look inside his friend's brain to know everything he's thinking.

Clyde has never understood why Tolkien has actually wanted to be friends with him for so long. He's the most perfect guy Clyde knows, smart, rich, athletic, musically talented, and that's not even mentioning the perfect body that he can't help but occasionally sneak jealous glances at in the locker room. Clyde, on the other hand, isn't smart, he's notoriously bad with numbers and even has to be in a remedial math class this year because he just can't get it. He's not particularly athletic either, and hasn't actually been allowed to participate in any sports with the other boys since the sixth grade. He kind of just gave up exercising after that. He has no musical talent, his father can barely afford to send him to his monthly therapy appointments even with insurance, and his body is all wrong. Tolkien is quite literally the antithesis of him, surely all Clyde can possibly do is hold him back.

"I was thinking of meeting Jimmy over at the arcade if you wanted to come with," Tolkien offers.

Clyde almost shakes his head, reluctant to leave the comfort of his own room. He isn't sure why, but he's been feeling extra emotional these past few days. Everything is weighing on him a bit harder than usual. But Tolkien came all this way just to see if he wanted to hang out, and Clyde doesn't want to disappoint him. He already feels as though their friendship logically should've fizzled out by now, that Tolkien is too good for him and should've gotten bored or tired of putting up with him already. Clyde's worried that if he disappoints Tolkien, he'll realize it as well. It makes him feel a bit selfish and pathetic all at the same time that he so desperately wants to cling to him when he knows Tolkien is way out of his league, sometimes it doesn't even feel like they're playing the same game at all. He can't think of a single good thing that his presence could possibly add to his friend's life, all Clyde is capable of seeing is his own shortcomings, all the things Tolkien and Bebe and everyone around him constantly need to help him with. Bebe already seems to be getting sick of him, so it stands to reason that Tolkien can't be too far away from coming to the same conclusion.

"Yeah sure," he finally replies, folding his laptop shut and placing it off to the side before tossing the blankets off of his legs and swinging them over the side of the bed. He's slightly embarrassed that Tolkien has quite literally caught him with his pants down, as Clyde had been lounging around all day in only a T-shirt and boxers.