Drown|| Socky

7

It's too much. Minhyuk can't handle it. He feels trapped inside his mind and it's a struggle to escape the maze-like state his brain is in. Every single corner he rounds another thought hits him and every time they come quicker and more violent than the last. It had been almost a week since Jinwoo and Myungjun had visited Minhyuk at 'Gateway' and slowly Minhyuk felt himself seeping back into his old ways. It was hard to get up in the morning and hard to fall asleep at night. Minhyuk continuously felt exhausted and he barely ate since he had no appetite, instead constantly feeling nauseous.

Not only was he starting to fall apart mentally, but he was also beginning to fall apart physically as well. He had greasy hair from not showering and lost motivation when it came to his hygiene and cleanliness. Minhyuk was now truly a mess and he had not the slightest idea how to fix himself this time.

He had locked himself up in his room never leaving; it had been almost a week he spent in solitude. Minhyuk missed his friends more than he expected to and he hadn't realized just how much he took them for granted before.

However, the thoughts of a certain someone had been bugging him; Yoon Sanha. During these few days, Minhyuk realized how much the younger made an impact on his life. Up until now, he hadn't even noticed just how fucked up his thoughts were since Sanha had been there to stop him from digging way too deep into his mind; how it would tear and nip at his soul, and the peace that he wanted to reside there. He realized how miserable he was without the younger in his life, how much he needed his purple-headed boy.

The door that had been shut for almost a week now opened up, revealing Ms.Han. She walked into the room with determination, both in her facial expression and through her confident and swift movements. She then helped Minhyuk into a sitting position, but it looked more like she was swinging him around like a rag doll. She was speaking to him about needing some fresh air and whatnot, but he heard nothing as everything around him seemed to be muffled and he had become dull and willingly unaware of his surroundings. Ms.Han made her way down the suffocating white hallways while making sure Minhyuk followed behind. She made her way through the lounge area, and finally outside. Every step Minhyuk took was harder to do each time and he felt as if his body was going to give up at any moment.

The sun was way too bright causing Minhyuk to squint his eyes so hard he practically closed them shut. For a moment he thought of the boy who he had learned to love in such a horrendous place, and how bright and joyful he could be. Yet, something about the sun seemed subdued and could never outshine the brightness that his Sanha would sometimes show. Even now after not talking with him for almost a week, he could quickly and confidently say that the sun seemed to be dull in comparison to Sanha.

"Stay outside, and don't even think about going back to your room. I will just bring you right back out Minhyuk." Ms.Han was stern and she had this look in her eyes that told Minhyuk she wasn't kidding. Quickly trying to banish the thoughts of Sanha from his head he walked over to the bench he would always sit at. Like always he looked out at the lake, admiring the almost translucent water and how it would reflect the light of the sun's rays.

How the light breeze rippled the water creating something simple yet beautiful in the lake. Everything felt perfect, almost too perfect for it to be a part of Minhyk's life. Something had to be wrong, he was sure of it. The universe never allowed him to have good days; something bad always happened. He looked to the space beside him and felt a sense of longing, longing for the younger to be with him at that very moment.

A flash of purple entered his peripheral which Minhyuk quickly respond by looking in the direction he had seen the purple-colored spec. Never in his life had Minhyk ever been a fan of running as he found it to be useless. So he surprised himself when he had gotten up and ran after the person he was so desperately trying to see. This whole time he had thought of Sanha and just wanted to be with him. He needed to be with him and he would do anything in his power to do so.

When he was with the Sanha he felt loved, safe, and normal. He had never felt that way with anyone, and he needed that feeling; craved it even. He couldn't bear not being able to feel that way again. That's one of the many things Minhyuk had learned to love about Sanha, why Minhyuk was finding himself to be falling for the younger. Everything with him felt real, and that's what he needed; a genuine connection with someone who he felt could be somebody he could talk about anything with.

Minhyuk rounded the corner of the building where he was met with nothing but an empty deserted wasteland just beyond the facility, and he was filled with disappointment, and he knew this feeling would linger long after his realization. Had he just imagined it all? He may have, but there was still a part of him that hoped he hadn't. Hoped that the younger missed him the way he missed Sanha.

---

Another week passed and Minyuk has yet to speak or even see Sanha. He felt like giving up. Every time he would see Sanha the younger would turn and walk in the other direction, and every time it hurt Minhyuk; a little piece of hope he has left would chip off his soul and wither away into the cold, empty nothingness that was beginning to consume him. Hope, Sanha had made him believe that having hope could be real and that it wasn't just another lie being told. Now, however, he was losing that feeling and instead resorting to his old ways, but he doesn't want to succumb to his old ways, he wants to be better.

Sanha showed him that it's possible to not feel bad about himself and that at the end of the day, everything would be ok, but now with him absent from Minhyuk's life, it's getting harder to believe it as the days go on.

'In the end, we're not that different.'

Only now was Minhyuk understanding the weight Sanha's words carried. He was right, they were alike and it was starting to scare him. He remembers the way Sanha had looked at him almost a week ago, he looked regretful. Regret.

Was this how Myungjun and Jinwoo felt? Is this how his mother felt? He had been such an asshole and now only was he seeing the effect he had on those around him. How did he still have people that still cared about him? He had no fucking idea and he hated it. He hated not understanding why things happened the way they did.

"FUCK!" He was pissed, but he couldn't blame Sanha for avoiding him. He would have done the same. Under different circumstances, he would be the one giving the cold shoulder in hopes of getting rid of him. He would do exactly as Sanha is doing; he would ignore and avoid until the other person just gave up completely, and lost all hope. He wouldn't care.

Minhuk put his head in his hands as he felt his throat tighten, while tears threatened to spill from his eyes, but he quickly wiped them away as if they never existed. The weather was starting to cool so nobody was outside except him and he was grateful that there was nobody around to witness his outburst. He feels so miserable without Sanha and he just wishes that he could forget about the younger, but he can't.

Usually, his mind is great at forgetting things, but the one time he wants to forget his mind won't let him. Once again the universe is making him suffer and there's nothing he can do about it.

---

SANHA POV.

If only Minhyuk could understand that I'm doing this so that it's easier for the both of us.