TW self harm
simon found himself on the bathroom floor in a shared hotel room after a sidemen shoot. he hadn't intended to end up there, on the floor, it hadn't even crossed his mind before he got there actually, but here he was. and it'd been awhile since he'd done this, as he leant against the side of the bathtub he wondered how he'd ended up here. he didn't even want to do it, but it was done.
he sat in his boxers, his legs stretched out in front of him, his wash bag discarded beside him, dismantled razor inside. he flipped the bloodied blade in fingers, looking at it, and kept wondering why he did it.
he genuinely hadn't done it in years, he'd found better coping methods, he'd stopped, but still the blade glistened. he watched as red beads slipped down the sides of his thighs, some getting caught on the white marks that were so close to disappearing. he ran his thumb across one of the cuts and watched the blood reappear. why did he do this? he'd been doing better. he'd been doing so much better for months now. he had nothing to be sad about, but his chest felt hollow in that inexplicable way.
he was staring down at his right thigh, trying to decide if he should keep going, when the door handle wiggled. he dropped the blade into his bag in a panic and drew his legs closer to his body. the door opened and harry walked in.
'minter, i was gonna- oh.' he stilled in the doorway after seeing the blood and looked around the room to see if anyone but simon was there, as if someone else had done this. 'what happened to you?'
'oh, i, um... fell.' simon's voice wasn't even convincing to himself. he wasn't expecting to be in this situation, especially not this soon, so he hadn't cooked up an excuse yet. but harry was the best person that could've found him, because self harm wasn't something that would cross his mind. harry was so light, so good. he didn't see the world like simon, he wouldn't see a scratch on a friends arm and wonder. he wouldn't be suspicious of this, not even when it is literally staring him in the face.
'on what, a cheese grater?' harry joked, oblivious to the truth. he smiled at simon and simon couldn't help but return it.
'hah! yeah, well...' simon trailed off, searching his mind for something he really could've fallen on to end up like this, but he didn't need to. because harry had believed him and he wouldn't push for more. harry trusted him. simon pulled at the fabric of his boxers, feeling guilty, hoping to cover the cuts.
'some of that looks nasty.' harry was still stood in the door. 'are you alright?' simon nodded dismissively and pretended to look in his wash bag.
'i was just looking for my first aid kit but i didn't pack it.' simon couldn't tell if he was just cold or if the urge to start shaking was something else. harry nodded understandingly and looked behind him.
'i've got one in my bag. i'll grab it for you.' simon opened his mouth to brush it off but harry had already gone to fetch it. simon took a deep breath whilst he was waiting, he stared at his legs and wondered again why he did it. harry didn't take long to return, he shut the door behind him this time, and crossed the room to simon.
'thanks.' simon took the first aid kit from harry's outstretched arm and put it beside him. he thought harry would leave him too it, but he stayed. simon froze for a second before opening the kit.
'i'll wet you a towel.' harry grabbed a hand towel and held it in the sink. simon watched him and wondered why harry was still here. it made simon feel more guilty.
harry didn't look where he was walking as he returned to simon and accidentally kicked simon's wash bag across the room, causing half of its contents to empty out on the floor.
'shit, sorry!' harry apologised hastily, handed the wet towel to simon, and dropped to his knees to pick up the mess he'd made. simon let him, thinking nothing of it, and tried to clean himself up as fast as he could so this could be over.
'how'd you manage to get blood on this?' harry asked, picking up the razor blade simon had discarded in a hurry. simon stiffened, not thinking fast enough to deter him. harry had said it light and jokingly, still oblivious to what simon had done, but when he turned back to simon and really looked at him, harry stilled too.
simon couldn't move his eyes away as harry put the pieces together. the smile dropped from harry's face slowly and he blinked a few times, he took in a deep breath and didn't let it out, he looked back and fourth between simon's eyes and lowered himself to sit on his heels. he couldn't look away from simon either. so they just looked at each other.
'did you...?' harry's voice was different, softer, more serious, simon hadn't heard him like that before. and when the only response simon gave him was silence and dropping his eyes to the floor, it was the only answer harry needed.
simon didn't know what to expect, no one had ever found out about this particular habit before, and harry was unpredictable at the best of times. he didn't know if he was going to be chided or shamed or pitied or maybe harry would make a joke out of it. simon kept his eyes on the floor and waited.
harry's strong arms surrounded simon and pulled him into his chest. one hand stayed firm on his back and the other cradled the back of his head. simon was confused, he didn't understand why harry was being nice to him, but he really needed this hug. so he said nothing, slowly lifted his arms and wrapped them around harry. harry didn't say anything either, he didn't know what to say, he just held simon and hoped he knew how many people cared about him.
they stayed like that for awhile. clinging onto each other, not saying anything. harry tried to think of something he could say, simon tried not to cry, they just held one another.
'i don't know why i did it.' simon eventually said into harry's chest. just to say something, just so harry knew. simon felt harry nod.
'if you want to do it again please call me.' harry's voice made simon's stomach hurt a bit. something about it stung more than the cuts on his legs. 'i don't care when, i don't care where. please, just call me, simon.' he tightened his hold on him.
'i'm sorry.' simon said quietly. harry shook his head and pulled away. he kept hold of simon's shoulders and squeezed them.
'no, i'm sorry. you can talk to me about anything, okay? i'm sorry if i've ever made you feel like you can't.' harry pulled simon into another hug. simon didn't say anything back, he didn't know what to. he just held harry a little more. the empty feeling in his chest still burned but it was now accompanied by something else.
harry pulled away again and patted simon on the shoulder. simon nodded and harry nodded back. simon was, again, expecting harry to leave, but again, he stayed.
harry picked up the wet towel that'd been discarded at some point and began cleaning simon's thighs with such gentleness that simon wondered if this was the same harry he'd always known. he'd look to simon's face every few seconds to make sure he wasn't hurting him. he never was. simon watched harry and, not knowing what to do with his hands, picked at his nails. once harry noticed though, he took hold of simon's hand with his free hand and continued cleaning. sometimes when he checked to make sure he wasn't hurting simon he would give the hand a squeeze and a soft smile would appear on his face. simon had never felt so cared for in his life.
harry apologised when he wiped simon's thighs down with antiseptic wipes, and was extra careful when putting plasters on the cuts that needed them, and it made simon want to cry a little bit. he didn't know harry cared about him this much, didn't understand why he did.
'i'm sorry.' simon apologised again when it was over. harry just shook his head again and gave simon's shoulder another pat.
'do you wanna get some food?' harry wasn't going to pry, or let simon repeatedly apologise. so instead he'd make sure simon was well fed, make sure he made it back to the room and then probably sit outside his bedroom door to make sure he slept well. simon nodded, happy to change the subject, and let harry lead the way.
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reminder that my minishaw fic 'am i making you feel sick?' is completed if u want to go read <3
