Dear Friend (ATEEZ X Yeosang)

5

Yeosang's POV

I fell down on my knees right away. I cannot hear anything except my thumping heart. The world was spinning around me, I cannot breathe.

NO!

It wasn't true!

"This is a joke, right? Doctor, please tell me she's okay. Please tell me this is just a bad dream" I clutched the doctor's hand desperately.

The doctor pat my back, he also keeps apologizing.

"Please say your last goodbye to her" he said and leave.

I gather all my strength and stand up. Every step I took to see her for the last time feels so wrong. Why does it have to end like this? Why when I never did anything bad in my life, yet everything was taken away from me. I lost her.

I really did

She looks so pure and beautiful, closing her eyes.

I touch her. So cold. Almost freezing.

"M-ma, Ma.... why don't you wake up? Ma, p-please don't l-leave me" I screamed my lungs out.

I keep holding her cold hands, begging her to wake up and tell me that this is only a dream.

The doctor had to dragged me out saying I should prepare for her funeral. He said I've been kneeling down next to her for 4 hours already.

My mom

My everything.

Ever since she lost her husband, she put up a brave and cheerful face for me saying both of us can live a happy life without him. She holds my hand to the audition when I said I want to be a singer. She came to my every concert with a proud face and cheer for me the loudest. She always packs me a stir-fried chicken because she knew the cafeteria one was bland. She acted like my friend because I didn't have any siblings.

"I love you, Yeosang-ah. I'm sorry"

I can't believe that would be her last words to me. Now, that I've think of it, she rarely said 'I love you' to me but the words slipped so easily at her last moment. As if she'd knew that would be her last time opening her eyes.

I was still staring at the air with dried up tears until the hospital staff called me,

"She is ready for the funeral" she said,

Why is that short sentence hurt me so much?

It all passed like a dream that they bring her to the hall. I put up her beautiful picture that I've taken during our trip last year. She looks so beautiful.

I held her funeral quietly. I didn't bother to look at my phone these two days. Two days had passed. I stay at her funeral hall since yesterday. 

"Ma, it must be so hot. P-please bring her back...p-please" I cried as I watch her casket go through the cremation process.

Somehow, the process went so fast that I was given her cremains. I held it so dearly as if I am hugging her at the moment. As if she's coaxing me from this sadness.

I need someone to talk to.

I took out my phone and called my best friend.

Someone I thought as my own family.

Wooyoung.

He didn't pick up. I press call again. He still didn't pick up.

Is he still mad?

Then, I called San.

Also, straight to voicemail.

Maybe they have a schedule.

Yeah, that must be it.

They're not accepting my calls purposely, right?

Yeah, they won't do that.

My tears keep falling down mixed with the raindrop when I walked home. Not our home in Seoul, but in our first home together, in Daegu. No one know that this is our first home. And mom always keep it clean because both of us stay here sometimes. 

Day by day passed by in a blink of an eye. I keep myself in the room, barely eat anything or sleep. Every time I want to sleep, I keep hearing her voice. "I love you, Yeosang-ah. I am so sorry". Why did you say sorry, mom? Is it because you know we won't see each other anymore? I don't want it. This life. Please take me to my mom.

I should let the agency know actually. But I cannot bring myself to say it. My mom is gone. My mom had passed away. Sound so simple yet so heavy.

I grab my phone and saw all the members have not returning my calls. Including Wooyoung. He must be very mad. I used to talk to him about everything. It was all my fault.

I looked down to my wound. I haven't changed the dressing since my mom passed away. It stings more these days. I opened the bandage. Ah, it looks infected. No wonder it feels so painful. Somehow, I cannot feel the pain.

A week had passed by, my vacation almost ended. I open the chat with the agency's CEO.

Me: Hyung, my mom passed away

A tear fell down on my cheeks. I looked in the mirror in front of me. Who are you? Why you look so different?

Me: I beg you not to tell the other members. We are not in a good terms now. I hope you understand.

He replied after a few minutes.

K CEO: Oh, my Yeosang. I am so sorry to hear that. Okay, I understand your concern. Did you send her well?

Me: I held the funeral quietly last week.

K CEO: It's been a week? Why you didn't contact me?

Me: I can't bring myself to say it.

K CEO: I understand. Rest well. I give you another week to rest.

I looked down on my infected wound. It was bad. A few stitches had broken, bruised formed on my whole arm. I think I need to go to a hospital.

Tomorrow. I hope I can go.

I took a taxi to a nearby clinic wearing my mask and hoodie. I bet anyone even recognize me. I lost so much weight and...what am I worrying about? I wasn't very popular to begin with.

"Mr Yeosang, do you know how bad this is? You have a fever of 38.5 and your wound was all open. I had to inject an antibiotic for the infection to stop".

"You are extremely dehydrated and please rest here until these two bags of IV finished. I already re-stitch the wound and make sure you take the antibiotic pills three times a day " the doctor almost angry.

I rest at the clinic as they treat me. It was almost evening when I arrived home, but I felt a lot better.

I keep scrolling her pictures that I took secretly sometimes, it feels like yesterday she's still with me. I can't believe it's been almost two weeks.

It's been 17 days since she's gone. I have four more days until I have to return to work. I looked up on the internet because I miss the members so much.

ATEEZ Impressive Performance at The K Music Award

ATEEZ Bring Home Two Awards from The K Music Award

I watched as they happily thanking ATINY in their speech. All of them look happy. They look better without me anyway.

I smiled sadly. I think I want to stop it. I always want to be a singer because I want to help my mom financially. Now that she's not here anymore, so what's even the point?

The next day, as soon as the morning comes, I took a cold shower, packing my essentials in a small bag, and took a taxi back to Seoul. I go to the agency and requested to meet the CEO.

"Yeosang-ah, what's the matter?"

"I thought you have three days' vacation left" he started

He didn't even ask me how do I feel? I bet he's not even noticing that I lost weight.

"Sir, is it possible for me to quit the group?" I asked, quietly

"WHAT?!" he yelled