Spectator

Chapter Thirty-Six: Then

They were a morose, quiet bunch. Even Jae had toned down his normal jokes, though when Kali glanced back at him, he still offered her a fragrant wink. She was glad some things hadn't changed, but that was all she could be glad about. There were only four from Nari's group and they all looked similarly haggard. Laura and Lee went to them to exchange information, to ask them what had happened, but Kali wasn't in the mood to talk. They'd lost Harriet, Petra....

So why was Petra in front of her? Kali didn't notice at first, and then there she was, flashing a warm smile. Not frozen to the bone, back in her normal gray uniform. Kali rushed to her side immediately, squeezing her arm just below the shoulder.

"How are you alive?" Kali demanded. "Photo said you'd been left behind." Photo, who was walking towards them with a similarly surprised expression. She turned away from him anyway. He might not have really killed Petra, but the intent was still there. Now there were more reunions, more students that had been waiting for them who hadn't been killed at all.

"Anyone who was lost to the cold," Petra explained, her expression bright. "An access port appeared beneath us just as we lost consciousness — the same way they retrieve is when we're stunned."

"It would have been nice to know that earlier. I really thought you'd —"

"I know," Petra said. "But I guess that's just part of the game. If we don't fear death, then it's really not real."

Kali glanced around hopefully. "What about Harriet? Did she—"

Petra's expression turned sorrowful. "No. I'm sorry, Kali. Harriet's wounds were beyond freezing; she broke her neck. They couldn't save her. There's another from the main complex too, there was a struggle, he took a strike to his head, and didn't make it. Martin."

Kali's jubilation turned sour. Harriet was still dead. That couldn't be changed. If Kali had caught her, or better yet, hadn't sent her up to fix the dish, she'd still be alive. How could Jae know when to sacrifice the mission over their people, and she couldn't? Or had she done it all for him, for the chance to save him?

"I'm glad to see you're alright," Photo said quietly as he caught up with them. Kali's temper flared.

"No thanks to you," she pointed out staunchly.

Petra's smile had slipped, a mote of fear entering her eyes. It might not have been real, but she must have remembered the struggle. That would still feel like abandonment. "No harm, it was all part of the mission," Petra said, far more politely than Kali would have. Kali barely had a stomach for the debriefing, and went to her bunk without supper. She thought it'd be quiet and alone, and it was, until a figure approached her.

"You're looking morose," Jae noted. "Didn't you hear the General? We did well enough. Finished our main tasks, got rescued, more than half of us."

"What does it matter?" Kali grumbled, pulling her knees up to her chin. She was just in her sleeping clothes now, something she was all too aware of when Jae sat down next to her without waiting for an invitation. If she wasn't so weighed down, her heart would be beating rapidly. As it was, there was a warmth in her cheeks as he leaned towards her.

"You mean you're not sold on all the good we're doing here?" Jae propped up a brow, his voice low, and she noticed he had stuck his Hub arm under the blankets. She did the same, not that she had much faith it would work. "That sacrifice is just part of the whole learning experience."

"Fuck them. I just wish..."

"I know," Jae sighed, brushing some of her loose hair back behind her ear with practiced ease.