Patent Blanks

9. Shaking.

I pulled into my driveway, anxious thoughts overfilling my brain. I thought so much yet all of it was such a blur I couldn't bear to remember what they were. Roche and I got out of my car, I was so overstimulated already.

We waited for what seemed to be centuries for someone to answer, but eventually we broke in through Xixi's basement room window. The second we broke in, the entirety of Xiao's room was trashed and abandoned, there was such a horridly apparent stench coming from every direction around me. It took me so little to almost throw up.

Roche reluctantly took a step out of Xiao's room, and walked up the basement stairs. The stairs lead to the living room. I followed Roche, the scent of death growing with every step up. Roche picked the lock to the door while I tried to hold my breath. My head hurt, like it was beating in my head.

"I got it..." He said, just putting his arms down and staring at the door. I looked at him, I was NOT touching it. He looked back at me, then sighed and shakily opened the door.

It felt like my heart stopped completely, I wanted to scream, but my lungs held no air.

"What.. The fuck..." Roche said, trying to keep quiet. The once fluffy plush carpet of his house was now soaked in massive puddles of blood. Xiao laid on the floor of the living room, covered in stab wounds. It seemed as if the world stopped when I saw his face. It was rotting so peacefully, I couldn't stop my tears from running down my face.

Looking at the ground in front of me, I tried to get away from the sight of xiao, it felt too real for comfort. I saw his little sister's favourite skirt as a kid. Blood stained the intricate white lace and ruffles. Her grandmother had made it. I looked around further to see Fen practically dismembered on the floor in front of me.

She was 12.

I haven't said much about her, simply because I'd grown up and only thought about myself. She was like the sister I should've had. Me, Roche, Xiao and Fen used to have tea parties almost daily when she was little. But that's gone now.

My face was coated in tears as Roche hugged me, and we cried together.

"Emile, what if she's still here?" He asked, whispering, and pulling away from the hug. We looked around together, not daring to let eachother out of sight. We found her in her room, hanging from the fan, Room completely trashed. There was alcohol spilt on the bed, making a much worse smell. "We... Need to call the police." Roche said, trying to get any words out at all.

"Right." He replied, reaching to grab his phone from his pocket, and dialling the number. My body shook as I cried, my mind nearing the brink of insanity, betraying me by picturing how Li murdered them and herself. I wanted nothing more for this to be over.

The police arrived after 15 minutes. They questioned Roche, then me. They asked me so many things I can't even remember now. So many intrusive questions and so many stomach churning details, my brain couldn't comprehend my own thoughts. It didn't even occur that there was so much I wanted to do, but always pushed it off for later. I felt so selfish.

The police drove Roche home, they said I was in no state to drive, I couldn't disagree. I stepped into my empty house, the only light on the entryway window. The authorities called both my parents, and Roche's, but mine couldn't be bothered to come home. Roche looked like he wanted to offer me to come with him, but he didn't. I never found out until a few years ago.

* * *

Xiao's grandparents had a funeral, but Roche didn't attend. I racked my brain thinking of where he was and what he was doing.

I waited for him to reach out after I tried calling and texting him every day for a few days to ask if he was doing okay, but he never responded. Nothing felt real, since I had no one to really talk to, it felt like all 4 of us died.

I took everything day by day, I had lost everything at that point. It seems like the entire town sent me at least something, but I didn't indulge in trying to be famous. I'm sure Roche also got at least something, but no matter what I did I still thought of him.

It had finally been a month since, and my mom got home, and decided to have an actual conversation with me. She called me downstairs at night.

"EMILE! Get down stairs!!"

"Coming." I said loudly, halfway down the stairs. My mother was on the couch, drinking wine. She wouldn't dare talk to me sober. "Yes?"

"Sit! Can we talk?" She asked. It didn't feel like much of a question. "So since you're turning 20 soon, you need to get a real job."
I'd like to think she'd want to talk to me about how I was doing after my best childhood friends, one of which being my boyfriend, and being missing, but the other two died, but no. "A Job?"

"A REAL job."

"Like.. A doctor..?"

"Emile, you know you're not smart enough for that." She likes calling me stupid, it's probably her favourite thing besides drinking. She swished around the wine in her cup. "You need something to do with your life"

"Well I've been wanting to move out anyways.." I'd wanted to talk about this with her for the longest time, but the second I wanted to leave her house she sheds her normal uncaring personality to act like the best mom ever and say shit like "I'm always the bad guy" or "How dare you even talk about leaving your mother?!"

I think she says it out of guilt for making me raise myself, but part of me knows she could never even admit to herself alone that she fucked up raising me.

"Which is why you need a job. Wherever you want to live, you need money." The surprise on my face that she'd actually give me advice was 100% all over my face.

Since I had actually nothing to do with my life I decided to get really into it. I focused all my time on work hunting. I finally found a job a while later, I worked at the diner I was at in fall. It had gotten to be late december.

In January I went to Rockie's dad's house. I'd been meaning to talk to him about Roche, but I had no time. I knocked on the apartment door, to be greeted by Evonne.

"Oh? Emile? How are you doing?"

"Better. Where's Roche been?" Evonne got quiet before replying.

"Roche.. He's uh.." I stared at him confusedly. Was he hiding anything? I thought. Roche wouldn't just.. Leave. "He told me not to tell you anything, but he's in Bluestone. He said he wants you to try to move on from everything."

Bluestone was the closest mental hospital in his town. My heart was already racing in my stomach.

"Move on?" I repeated, in utter disbelief. I can't just move on, as much as I've thought about just forgetting everything to save myself the pain, I know that feeling that pain is the last thing i have to hang onto. No matter the memories I remember, I always go back to them.