Patent Blanks

12. Parties Shouldn't End This Way.

The last thing you'd want to do is start a downward spiral without starting with fun. We all heard about a year starting party happening at 11pm since we started our classes on a friday. So, we all got ready for the party together, I'm not the partying type, but the second I walked into that apartment it was like a partying demon possessed me.

I got too drunk, I can't even write what anyone said due to how much of a traumatising blur it was. The party started off well, my group danced high out of our minds, drinking every other second. The one time I left the group to get a drink, I felt a hand on my arm, it pulled me aside to a vacant corner.

It wasn't harsh, it was gentle, like how he used to pull me through crowds at concerts.

A guy taller than me, who looked at me like I was the love of his life, that's all I caught in the darkness and moving coloured lights.

"Miley?" I could barely hear him, but my brain heard that name out of anything. I hadn't realised how long it'd been since anyone had called me that.

I can't remember what I replied with, nor how the conversation went, all I could say is that we talked for just a moment before I heard the gunshots.

There were two, maybe three, and it felt like the entire earth was screaming from how loud it was. What seemed like hundreds of people came flooding out of the rooms of the apartment and to the door, since the person and I were in the corner we didn't get trampled. It was too dark to see, but I'm sure a lot of people died from trampling.

The shots continued and I was almost too drunk to walk, or even understand what was going on. I understood I was in danger, but I couldn't make myself move. All I could remember thinking was if any of this was even happening.

Before I could even force myself to move the tall stranger picked me up, and ran to the door. Outside of the doorway was chaos too, tons of people filled the hallways, all trying to escape with something so preciously simple as their lives.

The stairs were full of people, the apartment was so dark you wouldn't even know if the shooter was standing right next to you. My body shook despite everything being in slow motion to me. While the tall stranger carried me down the stairs, I paid attention to his grip on my shoulder and legs, it felt like he was trying his hardest to not to drop me.

When we got out the lobby door the police had arrived, but couldn't find the shooter. They tried to question anyone they could, but pretty much the entire party was too intoxicated to know what was going on.

The stranger asked me if I came to the party with anyone, I assume I said Tojiko, because she came to collect me 10 minutes later. I don't know if Tojiko knew who the person was, or if they introduced themself to her, but she never brought up who he was.

My head felt so light, I was laying down, thinking. What about, I can't remember. My dim vision of Tojiko's room faded into darkness as I sunk into sleep.

I ended up sleeping for 14 hours, I hadn't slept that much in years at this point. I dare not to speak of the nights I needed him more than anything.

I thought about the stranger, more and more. It nagged me. Over and over. Who? Why? Would I have died if he didn't pull me away? It plagued me, poisoned every thought.

My head bounced off that thought by thinking about how it would have felt to die, how painful it actually would be, what my last thoughts would be, who'd find me. I couldn't think all day.

I hung out with Tojiko, Folie, and Narina often. Often enough I started buying my own weed, it will never take a lot for me to need it again.

In only a few months I'd gotten fully addicted again, I thought things were going well, but there was so much weighing on me from the party, and especially that guy.

I decided to go to Folie's dorm to see if I could talk to him about it. I do this a lot, where I say I'm going to go talk to someone, but just end up smoking with them and pushing it further down, even if I sometimes feel better.

I knew that going to college was going to give me moments where I need no one but Roche, but knowing that I can't have him in the moment makes it so much worse.

I knocked on Folie's door, being greeted with an entire smoke sesh ready. I know I probably should've found friends that would discourage me, but addicts help addicts.

We smoked together, and it was fun, but my mind wasn't right. We walked to the library on campus, browsed, and messed with people, but then we found an obscured corner.

Folie sat down, and patted the carpet next to him, so I sat and we talked for what seemed like hours.

I told him about what happened at the party, and how badly I wished I could've seen who grabbed me. Despite getting things off my shoulders I still felt so close to just breaking down.

Folie responded by hugging me, it felt so similar to how Roche used to hold me, I didn't think. I kissed him.

He backed away, his eyes widened, I didn't even feel anything like that for him.

"I.. Folie I'm so sorry.." I stammered, the breakdown inched nearer, threatening to make me ruin my life after so much work. I couldn't even in the moment think about what Folie thought of me. No matter how many times I tried blinking back tears they pushed through. I just kept crying and apologising.

Folie comforted me despite me not deserving it, after I calmed down I clarified that I had no feelings for him, and he did the same.

"I don't hate you Emile, but I.. I think I should take a break from being around you... I don't think I'm helping you." He spoke softly, looking concerned at the state I was in.

He walked me to my apartment, when I got in the door and locked it, I just stood silently in the entryway. Instead of a downward spiral this feels like a fuck up spiral.

I had felt so gross, I couldn't look at myself without sobbing for probably over a week and a half.