Depersonalization Disorder / l.r.h

{ chapter 2 }

/ Andrew Belle - In My Veins /
+
"What are you thinking about?" My mothers voice trails into my mind. "Not worth waisting my words on it." I say then take a big mouth full of cereal. "Oh come on. Tell me" she says turning around and grabbing her dirty plate on the table. "Why don't I have friends.. Why is it that I'm always sad or feeling nothing." I say sighing. "Stop it! I don't want you talking like that, Lucas. Life is a gift. Trust me." She says with a hand on her hip with a annoyed look on her face. Every time she lectures me, it goes in one ear and out the other. "You also do have friends." She says turning back around to the sink full of dirty dishes. "Yeah. Funny. Who?" I say getting another spoon full of cereal. "Calum. Ashton. And that one boys name... I think Michael?" She says. I grow more annoyed that she thinks those 3 douches are my friends. "Totally." I say sarcastically. "They just go to school with me. They ignore the hell out of me, ya know. Just because you see me around them, doesn't mean that we're bestfriends till the end." I say getting up and grabbing my backpack. "Try to have a good day today. Also make some friends! It will make you happier. I swear. Make sure to take your medicine. I love you honey." She says kissing my head like I'm a child. "Love you too.." I say opening up the front door and making my way to my car. I sigh as the coldish fall temperature rushes into my face. I absolutely dread going to school. School is hell on Earth.

-

"Luke H.?" Says the teacher. "..here." I say quietly and nervously. My mind goes back to thinking about random views from different perspectives. It's like I can't control my thoughts.

School today went by super fast and I'm very thankful for that. "Hey! Luke!" A voice surprises me as I'm walking to my car. I turn to see Calum running up to me flustered like. "What?" I say harshly. "I know that you've been single for a long time now, so I got one of my sisters friends Livie to agree on going on a date with you." He says smiling. My heart beats with anger and I get a rush of anxiousness and nervousness. "No Calum." I say turning back around for my car. "Luke, please. I know that you hate me but I promise that you will like her. I know about your.. Situation and all, but I just want to see you happy." He says grabbing my arm. "Don't call it a situation." I say unlocking my car. "Leslie would of wanted you to do it." He says. "What did you just say?" I say angerly. "Dude please. Please please please" he begs. My stomach is at my feet and my eyes are stinging. "Don't bring Leslie into this.. No. I won't go on a date with your friend." I say getting in my car and slamming the door angerly. "She has the same disorder as you!" He says loud. The tears fill up my waterline as I start my car. "Wait right now!" He says getting in front of my parked car. I roll down my window angrily as he runs up to the window. "Luke. She sounds perfect for you, alright? She's a nice girl. She's just like you only shorter and pretty." He says with a smile. I sigh and look back in front of me. "What's her name again?" I ask. "Livianna. But she likes it when people call her Livie." He says. My mind wonders about how she has the same disorder as me. "So are you in? Just one date. At our house even so it's not awkward?!" He says. "I don't know Cal-" "So yes?!" He interrupts me. My vision moves in a weird slow motion state and I just stare back at the view from the windshield. "It's a yes then. I'll call you Tuesday!" He says and I'm sure he walks away. I look down at my hands and thoughts are telling me nothing is real - nothing matters. I swallow and shake my head and wipe my eyes. It goes away and I head home.

TUESDAY , 6:40 PM
"Luke!" Screeches my mom. "What?! Damn!" I say back. "Calum wants you to come over! You need to get ready!" She says. My heart beats faster and I fall back onto my bed. "Alright..Thanks." I say back loud enough so she could barely hear. "I forgot to remind you. Did you take your medicine today?" She says coming into my room. I don't answer because it's no. I didn't take any today. "Lucas. You need it." She says with her hand on her hip. I sigh and roll over putting my face into my pillow. I feel her sit down on the edge of my bed. "Mom. I'm not letting my life be ran by pills and medicine. It's making me someone who I'm really not.." I say sitting up. "I know. I know that you think that, but honey do you want to feel miserable 24/7? That's not a good way to live." I feel my cheeks get warm as she says a word reminding me of the girl Calum is setting me up with. "Fine.. Whatever." I say getting up and searching through my closet for some decent clothes. "You'll have fun. Calum is a nice boy." She says getting up and walking out. Negative thoughts rush once again in my head about this whole thing. I run my fingers through my loose quiff and sigh out of anxiety. I get out a blue flannel along with my usual knee ripped blank skinny jeans. I take one last look at myself and cringe a bit at myself. I swear not even my 'Happy Pills' will ever get me to like the way I look. I hate every inch of myself inside and out. I grab my phone from my bed and make my way to the kitchen. "When do you think you're going to be back?" Mom asks. "I don't know.. I guess whenever I leave.." I say with a smart-ass smile. "No shit. Don't be out too late. It's a school night. Love you, smarty." She says. Like I don't know it's a school night. I grab my keys and snap back from the counter and nervously make my way to the car.

I look in the pull down mirror and roll my eyes at my ugliness. Bad idea to do that because now I know my confidence is turned off and I think girls like confidence. Why do I even care if she likes me or not? My heart still belongs to Leslie, sadly. I blink away the thoughts and start the car to back out towards the way to Calum's house.

-

I pull up into Calum's driveway and there's a grey new looking car in his driveway guessing that it's Livianna's. I'm so nervous and my anxiety is doing a number of bad things to my thoughts right now. Mom was right.. This is fucking miserable. But this is me. This is my ugly human being rotten brain self. I build up my courage and get out with one last look in my mirror. I close my car door and walk to his doorstep. I nervously put my hand in my pocket fiddling with my phone and on hand on my neck. I finally reach Calum's door step, and I wait a bit before knocking. I sigh and breathe in and out calming myself before knocking. I knock 3 mid noise knocks and wait for someone to arrive. I hear low muffled noises behind the door and a shadow appears through the designed glass making it almost impossible to see who it is but I'm sure they can see me.