All Your Fractures

Fourteen.

I don't know if I can do this anymore.

I know, you're tired. Everyone gets tired. You want to rest.

An end. What I want is for this to end. I want to end it. Why won't you let me?

SATURDAY, 5:14PM

"Favourite Disney cartoon?"

Jesse took a pause. He had watched a few cartoons with his father before, even less with his mom and Jessika. He spent very few time on the living room couch back at home, majority of his time was passed in his room. Jesse found cartoons fun, plus the women in there couldn't hurt him. And everything always turned out awesome in the end. "Um I'm stuck between Tangled and Brave."

"Dandy," Ellis said. "And character?"

"Merida. What about you?"

Ellis was about to answer when Vee cut in. "Gru isn't a Disney character."

Ellis pouted, "I was gonna say-"

"Po isn't either,"

"Quit being gittish, Vee."

Vetis jabbingly proceeded. "Next you're probably going to say Bugs Bunny."

"Quit it!"

As the two on the couch continued to bicker, Jesse gently nudged Israel on his side. "What about you?"

"Disney?" Israel cringed, laughing a little. "Promise you won't laugh?"

"I won't," Jesse shifted to face him. They had settled on the carpet, legs crisscrossed.

"Winnie. You know, the Pooh," Israel said, then he snickered. "Nana and I have watched The House In Pooh Corner a thousand times and we still bond over it. I can recite everything Pooh says, from start to finish."

"That sounds nice,"

"You should watch with us sometime," He suggested, smiling.

Jesse laughed nervously. Israel had told him about his grandmother before, and she sounded lovely. But the thought of meeting her, the only one left of Israel's family, gave him the jitters. "Maybe,"

"Let me rephrase that, you will watch with us. Soon." Israel said, his tone stern. Jesse felt like he wasn't being given a choice, but he wasn't hating it.

"Sure," He nodded, and Israel looked appeased.

Vee glanced at the wall clock then, asking. "What do you guys want for dinner?"

"Chocolate,"

"I agree."

Vee directed the question at Jesse. "You like pizza?"

The last time Jesse ate a pizza was with his dad, before his sister had returned. It had been years.
"Yea I like pizza."

"Pizza it is." Vee jumped over the back of the couch to get his phone.

"You're no fun."

Israel gasped. "Holy shit, what if the pizza bread was chocolate flavoured."

~later in the night~

The apartment had two conveniently spacious bedrooms. Ellis and Vetis shared one, the former falling asleep the second he hit the bed and the latter joining him with a book, turning on the bedside lamp.

In the other room, Jesse retrieved a futon and dumped it on the floor. He'd walked in on Israel painfully checking his thigh, then hurriedly covering up with his shorts when Jesse entered. Vetis had taken care of the wound, said it hadn't touched bone, but Jesse could only worry more when he saw the new limp in Israel's walk.

Guilt held Jesse's lips closed. Needless to say, he knew Israel wouldn't have gotten hurt if he hadn't gone for him. Well now he was and all Jesse could do was stand there, mute and useless. It was pathetic.

"I'm sorry." Because he couldn't think of anything else to say. Because he knew he was an afflictive burden. Because definitely Israel was sick and tired of bearing with him.

Israel caught on after a second, realizing what had made Jesse say that. He sighed, frustrated. "don't apologize for what you didn't do, that card's as dead as a dodo."

"Then what am I supposed to do? Overlook the fact that if you hadn't come you would be perfectly fine?"

"Yes, do that." Israel snapped back. "I choose the stories behind my scars and how can I ever convince myself I tried if I don't have scars from protecting you?"

Jesse felt like yanking on his hair. He didn't want to do this; argue. He hated arguing with Israel. He mellowed his tone before he spoke again. "Who says you need scars to prove anything?"

"I do. What's a fight without a lesson?" He shrugged. "Guess that's just how I'm wired." Israel thought of his scars as reminders. He couldn't remember the pain, except the part of it being excruciating, so he settled for what was left behind. He committed the story behind each one to mind and pledged to never let go. There were the ones he was proud of, the ones he was embarrassed about and the ones that brought fond memories. Scars meant something to him and so did Jesse.

Jesse's scars were so many, so much more than Israel wanted to admit. So then what sort of friend was he if he couldn't at least take one of them for him?

The fight in his eyes died as Jesse came to sit beside him. Waiting.

He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees as his fingers played with each other. "I just wanted to protect you. You can't be your own shield,"

"And you can't be your own punchbag." Jesse bumped his shoulder on Israel's. "Besides, I would've been fine,"

"Somehow I don't believe that." He said.

"Suit yourself," Jesse said. He got up and threw a checkered sheet over the mattress, getting ready to go to sleep. He had been lended Israel's pajamas to sleep in while the other managed on boxer shorts and a cotton shirt. Jesse liked that the silk brushing his skin smelled like Israel. He had one knee on his self-made bed when Israel called out.

"Why not sleep next to me? The bed's big enough," Israel patted the bed next to his lap.

"We both know how much of a hazard you are when you're asleep." Jesse fell unto the bed with a chuckle.

Israel couldn't help smiling too, as he moved further up the bed and threw the sheets over his legs. He stared at the space beside him for a while, then, "aren't you cold?"

"I'm good. G'night." Jesse's voice was muffled by the pillow he'd buried his face into. But he didn't get a response so, put off by the silence, Jesse raised his head. "What's up?"

Israel mulled over the sentence in his head, wondering what way he could put it to not make Jesse feel that he was saying it in an offensive way. "If you're up for it we could go see Ms Douglas tomorrow,"

Jesse took a pause. "Yeah. Okay. It's fine,"

"Really?"

"Of course."

"Okay then. Goodnight,"

"Goodnight Israel."

"Oh shoot, I need to call Nana and tell her goodnight."

Jesse could get used to this. Being this close to Israel for this longer. It was awesome. But he knew such a paradise was and would never be his.