final cherub

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No one pov:

The three cherubs roll Lyle in his bed outside to a hill overlooking a forest and a lake.

Cletus: Look around, Lyle. God's gift of nature is a wonder to behold, regardless of age! *winks* Or wealth!

Collin: If you were to end your life, you'd be missing aaaaaall of this!

Blitzo appears in a tiger costume.

Blitzo: Mm-hm. You're gonna buy that load of shit from a baby and the sheep it fucks?

Blitzo does a suggestive gesture with his fingers, indicating sex. Keenie covers her mouth and gasps. Collin blankly stares in disbelief, and Cletus gives a disappointed look.

Keenie: *gasps* That is so inappropriate!

Millie and Moxxie appear in cat costumes and me in my hellhound form

Millie: Oh, kiss our ass, prude! *flips a double bird*

Blitzo shoves Lyle aside in the face and sits next to him.

Blitzo: Aaaanyway, take it from me, a fellow genius. Nature is no picnic up close.

Blitzo grabs a pair of binoculars out of nowhere. Lyle looks through the binoculars and sees an adorable group of bunnies and squirrels together. The critters are suddenly torn apart and eaten by a pack of hungry wolves.

Lyle: Ohhhh, noooo!

Collin: *tries to tug his binoculars away* S-Stop looking!

Lyle: *holds onto the binoculars* I CAN'T stop! I've never wanted to die more than I do now!

A bear swipes a wolf to the ground. It raises a paw to attack but is then crushed by a falling tree, cut down by a beefy logger with a chainsaw. A beehive lands on the man's head and he screams, flailing his head to get the hive off while also throwing his chainsaw into the air. The chainsaw comes back down, cutting both of the man's arms off and causing him to scream harder, before his body is skewered from behind by the antlers of a charging stag as lighting flashes dramatically. Everyone freezes in horror, Blitzo faking it before grinning smugly.

Cletus: (nervously) Uhhh, let's go check out someplace else!

Millie and Moxxie bump fists, the paws of their cat costumes squeaking as I smirk as I had help from the animals

Me whispering to the animals: thanks guys

Cuts to a shopping mall. Lyle in his bed is pushed through the door hard enough to destroy both it and part of the wall surrounding it.

Lyle: Oh, Lord! Where are we now?! Let me perish!

Keenie: We're here to show you another thing life is worth living for: childhood wonderment!

Keenie motions to a crowd of kids cheering by a sitting Santa Claus. One kid wears a "Craft Mine" shirt, while another eats his booger.

Lyle: Why... look at those sweet, disease-ridden vermin. Th- Their joy comes from innocence, unspoiled by the burdens of adulthood... and their middle-class existence! Such simple joy they have. It is inspiring. Thank you for showing me this.

Blitzo: *off-screen* Hey, dipshit!

Pans over to Blitzo and Millie dressed as elves, while a grumpy Moxxie wears a Rudolph costume and me using my imp form to make myself elf size They stand by Santa with a kid in his lap.

Blitzo: Wanna see whose lap you're sittin' on?

Blitzo grabs Santa's beard and rips off the costume. "Santa" is revealed to be an ugly, sweaty gnome wearing a "#Cuties" shirt and underwear, making a gnome noise. The kids scream and run in terror. Lyle sobs like a baby as Collin and Keenie cover his eyes. A concerned Cletus pushes the bed away.

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