Effortless

Twenty-five

"I'm sorry."

I was standing on the front porch of my best friend's house in front of the door. The second the door swung open after I rang the doorbell, I apologized. Ricky barely had a chance to register who was standing before him.

"I'm really sorry, Ricky. Please don't be mad." I pleaded.

He didn't seem like he was fuming with anger, so that was a good sign. He just seemed drained. It looked like he hadn't slept a wink the night before and that was not normal because Ricky was very adamant about getting his full eight hours of sleep.

His attention was caught by something behind me. He was rubbing his eyes as he asked, "Who just dropped you off?"

"Javier, but that isn't relevant." I dismissed. "I'm sorry."

Ricky let out a heavy sigh before stepping outside of the house and shutting the door behind him. He then leaned against the door with a worn out look on his face. "Do you even know why you're sorry?"

My hesitation gave him the answer to his question. "Not right now but it'll come back to me."

Ricky laughed bitterly. "It's sad that I'm not surprised."

"I'm sorry." I apologized again.

"You didn't really do anything." He mumbled dismissively. I couldn't tell if he was telling the truth or if he lied for my sake.

I shook my head. "I feel like I did. I'm dumb sometimes, Ricky, we both know this. I do stupid things and regret it and then you forgive me, yeah?"

Ricky ran a hand through his hair and sighed. He seemed like he just wanted the conversation to be over with. "I told you to stay at the party and you did. All you did was listen to what I told you."

It was starting to come back to me in parts. I remembered him asking to leave and him seeming upset, but clearly I didn't leave with him. That wasn't the best decision on my part but it had already happened so all I could do was apologize. It frustrated me how dismissive he was being about the situation. 

"Okay, well you still seem mad." I said in an elevated tone. It was a peacefully quiet morning and here I was making a bunch of noise. There was one person who was on a morning jog who deliberately slowed down to see what was happening on Ricky's front porch.

I was starting to realize that this wasn't so much a fight, it was just me not doing what I should have. I should have gone after my friend regardless of the fact that he told me not to. He was telling me it was fine and maybe he genuinely thought that it was, but it wasn't.

I knew Ricky. He would lie for the sake of making me feel better and to keep peace between us, but that wouldn't do us any favors because it would only cause all of the problems to come out at once. One day he would get too mad and everything would blow up and we could kiss our friendship goodbye. That day had yet to come and I refused to let it come today.

Then again, maybe it truly was not that big of a deal to him. I had played it up in my mind the entire car ride here that my friend was furious with me and that I had done something unforgivable, so that was what I expected. Now I was standing in front of him and he looked more exhausted than pissed.

The possibilities were stressing me out, I needed him to at least try to be more convincing that everything was okay. "You would have gone after me and I should have gone after you. Please forgive me, I need you to forgive me."

"I mean, yeah, I would've gone after you." He shrugged. "But I didn't want you to come anyway, so it's fine."

At some point I had grabbed his wrist and now I was squeezing it tightly. "Just tell me whether or not you forgive me."