It's Hard Not To Fall

The Breakdown of Breakdowns

The doctor's office is bright and sterile, and as you sit on the exam table, the paper crinkling beneath you, you can't help but feel a little anxious.

At twenty six weeks, it's a routine checkup. And though the baby's been moving steadily and your pregnancy has been smooth so far, something about appointments always tightens the knot in your chest. Seokjin sits beside you, hand resting comfortingly on your knee, his thumb tracing small circles over your skin. He's talking, cracking jokes like he always does, trying to lighten the mood.

But today, the words don't settle in like they usually do. You smile, but it's automatic.

The Dr. Harper is flipping through your chart, nodding thoughtfully. She's calm, collected, but then she glances up at you. "So, you're about seven months along now," she begins, her tone gentle. "Everything looks good with the baby, but I've noticed your weight gain has been a little slow." She looks at you with kind eyes. "You're eating for two now, remember. It's important to make sure you're getting enough nutrients for both you and the baby."

Seokjin's hand tightens on your knee, "Don't worry, doc. She's taking care of herself and the little bean just fine." Too focused on grilling Dr. Harper with his usual fifty questions, and the sonogram machine being prepped for the scan, he doesn't notice how your face falls a little as the seconds pass.

You nod, trying to brush off the comment, but it sticks in your chest like a stone, weighing you down.

The Dr. Harper continues her work, and before long, the rhythmic sound of the baby's heartbeat fills the room. Seokjin's entire face lights up with that sound. His smile stretches wide, his eyes crinkling at the corners as he stares at the screen, his excitement bubbling over as the image of your baby appears.

"There they are," the doctor murmurs with a smile. "Looking great."

Seokjin is already lost in the moment, eyes shining as he stares at the little figure on the monitor. He kisses your cheek, his joy palpable. "Can you believe it? We made that." His voice is filled with wonder. "They're perfect."

You smile back at him, but it doesn't quite reach your eyes. Because despite the joy of seeing your baby, the doctor's words echo in your head.

You're eating for two. You need to eat more.

Guilt begins to creep in, dark and heavy, and the excitement of the sonogram feels distant, overshadowed by the growing fear that you've already failed somehow.

•••••••

A few days pass, and the guilt festers. It's not always there, but when it hits, it's like a tidal wave you can't control. You're in the nursery, folding tiny clothes and laying out baby blankets when the weight of it all crashes over you.

It's sudden, a sharp pain in your chest that turns into tears before you even realize what's happening.

The door creaks open, and Seokjin appears in the doorway, immediately alarmed. "Hey, what's wrong? Is the baby okay?" He rushes to your side, kneeling next to you on the floor. His hands flutter uselessly around you, unsure where to touch, where to comfort. "Jellybean, talk to me. What's going on?"

You try to speak, but the words catch in your throat, and then they tumble out in a rush. "It's me, Jin. It's my fault." The tears come harder now, and you choke on them. "I haven't gained enough weight. I'm not doing enough for our baby. I'm already a bad mother."

Seokjin looks at you, shocked, before gently cupping your face in his hands. "What? No, no. You are not a bad mother. You're amazing—the baby is fine. The doctor said everything's fine."