I heard footsteps coming towards my direction. The forest around me was humming its dangerous notes as I sat there alone. The darkness of the evening was creeping through the trees which were standing around me like prison bars. The air could hardly travel though my lungs and I struggled to let it in…and out.
Peter emerged from between the trees and sighed as he walked over and sat down. I took in deep, calming breaths.
“You also needed to be alone, huh?”
“Mmm…” I shrugged.
“Well to be honest, right now, you look like you just want to run away from all of us. From this whole thing, from everything.”
“Well you're not wrong. But who doesn't? The thing is, I'm too scared and confused to even figure out where the hell I want to go or am supposed to go. I don't really know what I want to do with myself.”
He shifted on his spot a few feet away from me.
“Well I don't know if you'd want my advice. But I just think you should think about what you want right now. What would bring you peace if you had it at this present moment. The life that would make you happy just thinking about it.”
“Happy…” I mused. “What is even happiness? Is happiness possible? Is it needed? Or is it–”
“I know that it's easier said than done and that humans don't usually do it successfully most of the time but truthfully, happiness is just a state of mind you create for yourself. It doesn't matter what's going on around you. I mean, it will, if you let it. But…no matter what happens, if you can like create this mindset for yourself–”
“So like, being delusional?”
He chuckled.
“No…well sort of.” I raised a brow at him. “What I mean is, if you're always depending on outside sources to make you feel happy then you might possibly never be happy.”
I picked up a small stone and started to play with it absentmindedly.
“But I was happy before. Before everything, the outside sources made me happy. I liked how things were.”
“Yes and when things start to go wrong, that's when you realize that it's the only way–”
“But that doesn't make sense! Why after things go wrong?”
“Because that's just how it is Larry. And you don't really have a choice. Except you want to stay unhappy forever.”
“You could just kill yourself.”
Peters face made a very funny expression that I couldn't help but laugh at.
“What?”
“You know that doesn't just solve all your problems right?”
“It kinda does.”
He narrowed his eyes at me.
“Have you ever…?”
I looked away. I had. But only one or twice. I'd never actually been really serious about it. But it was just then at that moment that I realized that I'd actually ever considered it. And I also realized that Peter didn't know I self harmed.
“You won't get it Peter. It's just not easy to try and become Mr Happy and Sunshine even if your whole world is crumbling around you. It's just not…”
“Lars, I know. I won't get it in a million years. And honestly I don't want to know how it feels but the thing is, every one of us humans have felt sadness. Yes of course, some people have experienced it more than the others but what matters is that if we let it take over us all the time, we'd just be slaves to our emotions.”
YOU ARE READING
Fall in San Diego
Adventure[Editing] Haunted by the death of his family that he caused, Larry cuts himself off from the world and relapses into depression, subconsciously craving anything that would make him happy. He finds himself lost in the woods after his swirling emotion...
