I will always love you.. my angel baby

"But that was my child..."

WARNING: MISCARRAGE DISCUSSION AND EVENTS! 

-Autumn's Point of View-

The silence in the room was deafening, it was filling the room with a hellish air. I was holding Winter's hand as he sat beside me and when I saw the doctor's over happily smile drop, I knew. We all knew... 

I squeezed Winter's hand so hard, I saw him flinch but he didn't mention it and didn't want me to see him in pain.

"I'm afraid I have terrible news. Before I say it I want both of you to know that there are so many options available and so much help available too. I hate to be the person to in from you that your baby has stopped growing and won't be continuing with you both. I know it's hard to hear but it's company policy that I have to say the words. Your having a miscarriage and the baby has been lost." The doctor told us. She then began to wipe the gel off my body and she let me sit up and let us have a moment alone. Tears ran down my face and I turned to Winter, "I am so sorry my love, I lost our baby." I said sobbing with guilt. 

"No! My love YOU didn't do this, it's just something that happens to some people and unfortunately we are they people. Don't dare blame yourself!" Winter comforted me, himself sobbing and then we just hugged. We leaned our heads into each others shoulders and hugged. It was comforting but at the same time they words echoed in my head. 'Your having a miscarriage and the baby has been lost.' 'Your having a miscarriage and the baby has been lost.' 'Your having a miscarriage and the baby has been lost.' The words echoed in my head which tormented me and after 10 minutes the doctor re entered. She told us that Winter would need to leave the room as they were going to administer a drug to me to trick my body that I'm in labour to free the embryo and to let me have the chance of another pregnancy in the future. I begged and begged for Winter to stay but they wouldn't allow it which made the whole experience so much harder. The gave me the drug and soon after told me to push. Like giving birth but a tiny bit easier, a lot more blood and no baby to go home with.

-Winter's point of view-

The wait outside the room was the longest 42 minutes and 16 seconds of my life. I counted the minutes and seconds in my head to help me think of something else. We don't have a baby anymore. I'm not going to be dad just yet. I know it means we can't never have a baby but it's so hard. We were so excited and had never been so happy. I am not okay but I need to be strong for Autumn. No matter how happy I was for this I was more happy for her, with everything she has been through and now this? How could this happen? Why to Autumn? She has hard the worst life so far and now this. Nurses are coming up to me with tissues and children walking past staring strangely, I gave them a smile and waved at their new sibling as their father pushed the mother in the wheelchair and the mother carried their new born. I was finally allowed back into the room, blood on the floor, Autumn was sweating, crying, and stretched her arms out to me when she saw me. I told her how proud I am of her for being so brave and assured her we will get through this. She whispered 'I love you' into my ear which is the first time she fully said those words to me, we say it all the time but physically she only says the words 'you too' and I know why, so this meant to world to me! With the pain we were both feeling it made it that tiny but better for me and hopefully my love too.

-Autumn's Point of View- 

That was the worse 42 minutes and 16 seconds of my life! I counted the minutes and seconds to help me pass the time but all I was thinking was that this, nurses on stand by, doctor at the other end of my body telling me to push was meant to happen in 6 and a half months, not now, and it was meant to end with myself and Winter going home with a baby to look after and worry over. This isn't how it was supposed to happen. I am covered from head to toe in guilt, did I make the baby die, does it count as a death, am I being over dramatic? I just want my love, my sweet, my darling, my Winter. He came back in and it made that 1 second much better. I felt relief and comfort when he came back in.  Hours pasted and it was time to go, leaving with no baby in my uterus, leaving with the horrifying conversation with Marjorie and Reece. I have wrapped both my arms around Winters arm and I was walking to the car with him, facing down. I felt Winter look up and then tense, and I know that sounds strange but his body straightened and then his arm went tense. I knew something scared him... I hope it wasn't a parent or staff member. 

Winter opened the car door for me and helped me in, he put my seatbelt on for me as I couldn't speak, I couldn't move my arms from hugging my belly. I just couldn't. Winter thought it would be a good idea for him to tell Marjorie and have her tell the staff, I didn't like that this was where my brain went but I just wanted to go to the bar, I didn't even want alcohol I just didn't want to go home without Winter or have the wait in the nursery car park or wait in the nursery. So Winter dropped me off and walked me into the bar and told a waitress to serve me red wine, when my glass is empty come with more, if I stopped drinking a glass and didn't finish it, bring me lemonade and do not let a male staff member serve me. He knows me so well and how to help me. I'm so lucky I have him.

-Winters Point of View-

I have just dropped Autumn off at the bar, I take a deep breathe and go in and see Marjorie...

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING AND I AM SORRY IF IT IS HARD TO READ! IT WAS HARD FOR ME TO WRITE. If this has happened to you all my prayers go to you and your family.