I am a Blue (series)

How Much I Am Loved Matters, but Cupid Is Absent || I am a Blue

Several postcards lie beside a few open letters, and a white postcard is on top of the dining table, where my best friend, a purple bird, brought some dying white blossoms. I capture its claws with them and shake them off while remaining silent and aware of what it does. Using a blue pen, I curved the yellow rectangle on the page to let someone know I was blue. With a teal-blue postcard opening in the middle of many others, I catch the scent of blueberries. I am still much loved.

Turning my head to see beyond, I side-eye the healthy and sturdy massive white flowers in the vase on the center table adorned with a yellow cloth. I have been receiving white flowers from my parents for eight years, and I am surprised by their resilience. It syncs me like they protect my heart. Their white dying petals would fall on the floor if someone broke up with me, so my heart opened, bleeding. 

I am a Blue

I have never dated anyone in my life. My most epic failure was getting a date. I admit, ugh, I'm a virgin af. I  once had a crush on someone when I was in high school. I was the most loner student in my high school. I was chasing someone who was gleeful, demure, and modest, which is mine. I had a few moments that I will never forget. Ugh, I'm not fond of flashbacks that bring back painful memories. Once I was in the hallway at high school, and I thought it was me and almost passed by, walking to the person holding a backpack when they planned to ask me to prom in public, "WAIT.. WHERE ARE YOU GOING? HOLD ON, I WANNA RIDE WITH YOU ON SPACE?" with a poster. I plan to yell out at them. At that moment, I realized someone else had asked a hipster student. OPPS, I am so embarrassed. I did not have a chance to get someone who I loved. I feel pain, but I remember that love reminded me that I always loved myself.

I remember in high school when I cherished a hearty person. No matter my type, I love people who match my personality. I am attracted to a sweetheart whose personality is compatible with mine, regardless of my type. We damn really loved each other secretly and knew we were so frightened as hell. I remember my parent were warned with concern by their words, "The world would never cease to amaze us with a rose's thorn if our relationship opened." regarding I chose to neglect their caution. I have the best "honeymoon" moment: We once kissed under the tree but never made out. I miss the person wildly so much.

Reflecting on my thoughts over and over again, my heart still grasping with bandages, I mourn.

My damaged experience story made me regret in my pain not sharing my feelings with my parents. I recall a time when I was a junior and got into trouble. My parents were unaware of my secret crush, but they did warn me that the public would be a thorn in my heart.

I am Blue

I bitterly remember being a junior in high school before the person invited me to their house; I was excited and lied to my parents, claiming I was at my cousin's overnight. I sneaked into the person's house. I saw a space at the back of the garage, so I knocked on the door while waiting for my lover to let me in.

When my deary opened the door, I turned my head, and my feelings glowed. The person smiled and called me out, and I saw beautiful rooms, like polished rooms and luxurious spaces. The person comforted me, saying, 'Hello, I am glad you are here, and I miss your essence. I cannot stop thinking about you,' echoing in my thoughts when I silence my reflection, my heart still tense in a bandage.

My endless overthinking brought back memories of sleeping with him on a sofa chair while popcorn was consumed in the living room while I slept with him. As I dozed off, a mom staggered in with a bag on her way to the kitchen. It suddenly dawned on me that I was supposed to leave early before she arrived. In a panic, I tapped my deary to wake up, and the person jolted awake in shock. Just then, the mom dropped the food bag on the floor, catching us in the act. Suddenly, I realized I was trapped in a choice-danger dilemma. In the twisted world of the moment, the mom turned red-hot toward the person or me. The mom yelled at the person I had never seen before. Am I invisible? I witnessed a face downhearted. I knew our relationship was devastated. Am I at fault? The mom confusedly stared at me long in her fearful eye. I could not speak anything to do. I was supposed to talk, but my deary madly yelled, 'PLEASE GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW!' I assumed the person was embarrassed, angry, or ashamed. I became anxious. I felt betrayed by this situation.

I left when I heard the door slammed hard. I lost my sense of love. I realized my parents had warned me; they were right. I ambled alone into my home at night and was ready for bed. I spotted a light bulb in my parents' dining room as they sat together. My parents were sorrowful, fearful, apprehensive, and not appreciative of my actions. I told the truth, everything to them, with my heart opening bleeding.

Next day,

Spreading the gossip, gossip, gossip drama. In the few tough following weeks, students gossiped awfully about me and my crush, and I felt everything was gone. I felt different than before. I think our relationship may be alive, but something was amiss. I was devastated but hoped my deary would surprise me with a prom invitation. I noticed my deary's face was scornful toward me and then saw them flirting joyfully with musician students. I realized the person had never talked to me again. I fell into silence and how to deal with my heavy heart. 

I am Blue 🖤

I am so jealous of my sister because she has been fortunate enough to get married. However, she still doesn't get along with my family and me. She invited my parents but did not ask me and my brother.

A few years ago,

My sister sent me a wedding invitation out of the blue mood while I stayed with a coffee conversation with the purple bird.

I checked her schedule for tomorrow. The next day, I remembered the most painful thing that happened in my life: my crush in high school took my heart away from me. During the live broadcast on television the next day, I was alone in the living room. My eyebrows raised when I saw my dad's arms encircling hers on the silver carpet. While the mug was on the coffee table, I held my hands and covered my mouth. As I watched the livestream, my sister had an attractive smile with makeup, but I could not identify the man who vowed to marry her. I did not know who he was. My eyes were full of tears flowing down my cheeks.

I am a Blue

I had been single for a long time but feared being brokenhearted again. My best friend, the purple bird, dared me to use Instagram when I moved into my first house. Although I had never used a social media app before, I tried it. As I saw the purple bird dance, I downloaded Instagram.

As a second passed, my hand shaking slightly on my phone, I accidentally revealed I had many Instagram followers. Many people became interested in dating me and sent me direct messages. The purple bird caught my eye; it shrugged and smiled back at me. I realized I wanted to avoid dating at this point in my life as I scrolled through inappropriate messages and encountered messages like "Are you single?" and "You are cute." I desired some love to feed me feel better, but no relationship was necessary.

My inspiring and blossoming love again began when I announced on my Instagram story that I wanted letters. So many of my fans send me letters and surprise cards weekly, and I love myself more than ever. 

I am  Blue