Girl,Living

Chapter One

Almost as if I was on auto-pilot, the first thing I did when I woke on Monday morning was weigh myself. I stepped on the cold hard metal box with closed eyes. I slowly open my eyes. 90lbs. I did it. I reached my ultimate goal.

If you can reach 90lbs, you can reach 80lbs.

I get of the scale and hold myself steady against the sink. There's no reason why I can't lose more, after all I'm still huge. I'm massive. I look at myself in the mirror. My thigh gap could be an inch bigger I guess, even though no matter how hard I press my knees together they just won't touch. I haven't got a flat stomach, it's concave. I can see all my ribs. I can play them like a xylophone. My bones stick out sharply all over my body. My face looks gaunt and withered, I look ill. My arms, bony, yes, but also covered in scars all the way from my shoulders to my wrists. I'm a mess.

 I close my eyes and run my fingers along my collarbones. I guess it's true that my weight loss has become slightly more visible now that I've losing weight and a more rapid pace. I open my eyes again and stare at my reflection, instantly i see a different person. I don't look that ill, actually I'm quite proud of how visible my collarbones are. I lift up my shirt and stare at my stomach, of course it's still incredibly fat but my ribs are more visible than they were. How have I not noticed this before?

 I shake my head and walk away from the mirror. I don't know what to believe. At first i thought i was too thin but now, now i just look like the same fat old me. I shuffle into my bedroom and pull on some clothes, i don't check the mirror to see how i look. I can't. I can barely look in my small face mirror to put my make up on.  A wave of dizziness hits me, i sit on the edge of my bed hoping it will pass. Praying it will pass. I need to eat. But i can't. 

I suppose a cereal bar can't hurt? I stand up shakily and make my way downstairs, my baggy sweater covering my delicate frame, but my skinny jeans hugging my thunder thighs. I reach for a cereal bar in the kitchen. 98 calories. I can't do it. I can't. I look down at the floor, what have i become? I grab a rice cake instead. 27 calories. That won't hurt me. That won't make me fat. I pick up my backpack and leave the house. I barely have the energy to walk to the bus stop but i manage, i have to manage. Exhaustion fills my bones, i just want to sleep. But i keep my eyes open. In front of me i see a girl staring, worry painted all over her face. Abi. I forgot. It was only yesterday, how did i forget!? I stand away from her and try to remember what happened. It was just before our dance rehearsal, i remember that Miss wanted us to film it so we could see our progress. 

Abi set up her camera on the tripod that is always kept in the studio to record dances. She held the remote to the amp which Is connected to her phone as we got into our positions. The video camera was already recording, she clicked the music on and then threw the remote away from her. As we started to dance I begin to lose myself in the dance and I start to feel alive. A genuine smile creeps up onto my face as we perform the dance as best as we can. I land all my turns perfectly and my leaps feel more graceful. I felt alive. I din't feel numb anymore. But too soon the music ends and my illusion was shattered, and I could no longer feel anything. I stoodd in my final position, ever so slightly breathless but with a huge smile on my face. Abi ran over to the camera to turn it off and I collect the remote from where Abi chucked it and stop the amp from playing any more music. She disconnected the camera from the tripod and we sit on the floor with it. She held out the camera and she clicks play. As I watch out dance on the small screen of Abi's camera I can't help but compare our body's. But the more I watch the less I recognize my own. I wouldn't say I'm thin but I'm not quite as fat as I used to be.

"oh my gosh, that was actually awesome!" I gasp as it finishes,

"I know right! We've done an awesome job!"

"I can't actually believe we choreographed that!" we gasp and giggle over the performance which I can't help but feel a little proud of. But Abi's face is slightly in a frown as she speaks.

"hey, whats up." I say to Abi,

"Tori, have you lost weight?" I reel back slightly in shock.

"not really,"

"but tori, just look at this video, you're so thin!" I stifle a laugh

"oh Abi, I'm really not that thin!" she raises her eyebrow

"but-"

"but nothing, I've just toned up a bit from doing dance every lunchtime."

"Tori, you have not toned up, you're bones are sticking out of you're body, that's not called being toned, that's called being a fucking skeleton!

"I'm not a skeleton!"

"Tori, how much weight have you lost."

"barely anything! the odd pound or two."

"YOU HAVE LOST A LOT MORE THAN A POUND OR TWO!" she stands up and takes a few steps away, "Tori, are you even eating???"

"of course I'm eating, If I wasn't eating I wouldn't be alive would i?" I stand up and screech at her.

"you're barely alive! Look at yourself Tori, you're just skin and bones! There's nothing else too you!"

"that's not true!" I weakly reply,

"you're not the fun person I became friends with, you're a shadow of her,"

"I'm still the same old Tori, I'm just a bit thinner."

"that's' bullshit and you know it! How long has this been going on for?" I think in my head, half a year I think, maybe 9 months?

"nothing's going on!"

"Tori, you have a problem!"

"no I don't! I'm just a normal person!"

"now you're not! Are you starving yourself Tori?" she walks closer to me, I look down,

"of course I'm not." She wraps her arm around me, suddenly realising just how serious and sensitive this is.

"yes you are Tori, you have a problem and you need help."

I shake my head as the bus pulls up in front of me. As i get on i don't make eye contact with Abi, i sit alone. But i can feel her worrisome stare boring into my head. I try to distract myself with music but all i can think about now is what happened yesterday. What did Abi know anyway? Nothing. She knows nothing about me. Nobody knows me. I feel like I don't even know myself anymore.

Abi's just jealous of how much you've achieved, she wishes she had the self control you have. I bet she doesn't stop stuffing her fat face, she just wants to be the thinnest but she hasn't got the control you have Tori. Stay Strong and soon everyone will want to look exactly like you.

I listen to the voice in my head whispering to me, calming me. I smile to myself. When did I last eat? I had that rice cake but it's okay, I didn't eat dinner the night before. I beam inside. Proud of the lack of food that has passed my lips. Horror quickly fills me. What am i doing? I'm proud that i'm not eating. My eyes start to well. I hate these thoughts, i hate feeling like this, i hate wanting to lose all this weight and i hate living in a body that i hate so much no matter what i do. NO MATTER WHAT I FREAKING DO I CAN'T BE HAPPY! I can't accept myself no matter what my size is. Perhaps my weight was never the issue. I wipe a tear from my eye and look out the window. I try not to think as the bus takes me to school but it's hard, it's really hard. As i wipe a second tear from my eye Abi gets up and moves next to me. 

"I know you don't want to talk, i know you're struggling, just know that i'm here okay." 

I look at her and smile, the rest of the journey is spent in silence. But somehow, i don't feel quite as bad as i did before she sat next to me.