Girl,Living

Chapter Two

I climb the stairs to the sixth form study room, every step is heavy, i can feel my heart rapidly pumping blood around my frail body. As i get to the top of the stairs i feel a wave of dizziness hit me. No. I will not faint. I can keep going. I pull a water bottle out of my bag and sip on the cool refreshing liquid, i don't feel much better. I sigh and keep walking. I approach the room and push the door open with all my weight. It's too early to be awake in the morning. I push past gaggles of people towards the computers at the back. I smile to Bella, a girl from my tutor group, as i take a seat next to her. I open up my emails and just ignore the hundreds which are building up. Constant bombardment of "where's your homework" and "missing assignments" and "absent from the lesson" related emails, i don't even open them anymore. I've gone from being a straight A student to a girl who barely has the energy to get out of bed in the morning. But one email catches my eye. It's from Miss Battersby. The head of Year 12. She doesn't teach me. Oh shit.

" Hi Victoria- can you pop next door into the office please.

Thanks,

Miss Battersby"

The sixth form office is right next door. I can't do this. I bet someone's told her. I quickly click print on a couple of files and leg it out of the room. I swiftly walk past her office without making an eye contact. I practically run down the stairs to the ground floor printer. It's like all the exhaustion has been taken out of my body and i'm running of fear. As i stand waiting for my documents to print i fidget in agitation, i bet it was Abi who told her. I can't do this. If she knows then she'll tell my parents, and then before i know it i'll have medical professionals involved trying to make me fatter than i already am. I reach and pick up the warm pieces of paper from the printer and slowly start to make my way back to the study room. I know i can't avoid her forever but i can at least try? Every step i take feels heavy and lethargic. I can't do this. I really can't. I've kept this too myself for so long, it would be wrong for it all to come out now. The steps don't get easier as i make it up the stairs for the third time today, they almost feel harder. I start to walk quicker in the hope she won't see me slip past into the study room.

"Victoria!"

I hear my voice shouted, but i'm not sure if i'm just imagining things or not. I ignore it anyway and resume my seat next to Bella. My hearts beating a thousand miles an hour.

"Hey Victoria." i turn around to see Miss Battersby infront of me. "Can i talk to you for a second?"

"er sure" i get up and follow her out of the room reluctantly

"Did you get the email i sent you?"

"No sorry,"

She pushes open the door to a much smaller office than her own and gestures for me to take a seat.

"That's okay, i just needed to speak to you because some of your friends and teachers have concerns about you."

"oh really? well i'm fine so i don't see why they would be worried."

"Actually, i think they have a pretty good reason to be worried, you see they've told me that they're worried about how much weight you've lost and the behaviors you've used to get to this weight. " i look at the floor, i can't make eye contact with her. "Victoria."

"it's okay, call me tori"

"okay Tori, are you eating?"

"Of course i eat miss, how else do you think i would get energy? Fucking photosynthesis?" She smiles at my comment.

"No need to swear Tori, i know this is hard but we can get you the help you need."

"I don't need help." yes i do, i push the thought away. "If i was starving myself then don't you think i would be slightly skinny?"

"Tori you're absolutely tiny. Dangerously skinny even so."

"oh i'm really not."

"oh you really are." she leans back slightly in her chair and looks directly at me. "Believe me you are not fat." i laugh slightly.

"have you not seen me? i'm massive, i need to lose another 10lbs asap."

"if you lose another 10lbs then you'll be in hospital." i look down. "Tori i'm really worried about you."

My eyes start to water, i don't know what to do anymore.

"A lot of people with eating disorders also use other ways to manage their weight, we know that you dance most lunch times, but do you ever make yourself sick or abuse laxatives?

"Yes" i whisper as the tears start to fall more rapidly now. Why am i being so honest? I don't deserve the help or need it? I twist my sleeves around my wrist.

We keep talking.

I find myself starting to open up, not fully, not completely. I keep a barrier up. A barrier where they think they've got through to you because you're talking about most of your thoughts. But i keep the suicide plans and overexercise locked at the back of my mind, along with all the numbers that haunt me. But i open up enough, to admit to the weight loss, to admit to the restrictive diet and the laxative abuse and the self harm,

But then she say's she will phone my parents.