It's nearly 2 AM by the time I come home- I should be dead tired by now- but my tingling lips don't exactly give me the peace to sleep.
The house is silent, small lamps illuminating the staircase as I make my way to my room. Once I do, I slip into my floral pajamas, the cool air brushing around my legs. I lay on my bed, my room dark except for the small nightlight beside me.
Turning onto my side, I try to sleep, but I can't.
The picture's painted so clearly in my head: Theo and I on Dahlia's couch, talking normally before, five minutes later, we're kissing. Theo was so gentle, too. For someone who hasn't been in a relationship- or claims not to have been- he kisses really well.
Not that I would know.
My heart flutters as I remember Theo apologizing, his cheeks red and lips pink. He looked genuinely scared; it was cute. At the same time, what if he didn't really want to kiss me? What if it was more like a spur-of-the-moment thing?
I guess I didn't realize how much I actually wanted it until it was happening- like when you turn off a blender that's been running for a long time.
Oh well. For a first kiss, it was pretty good.
I open my eyes and pull out my phone, ditching any ideas of sleep. I click on Theo's name in my messages, biting my lip as I type a short message draft without sending it.
Me: Hi
Me: So, about what happened...
I steady my breathing before hitting send.
The silence feels heavier now. I stare at the screen, waiting for those three dots that never appear. Why would he be awake at this time anyway? The longer I wait, the more awkward this feels. I'm just about to delete the message when my phone buzzes, making my heart skip a beat.
Theo: Hey
Theo: About what happened... do you want to talk about it?
I sit up, my mind racing.
What does he mean by "talk"? Does he regret it? Or does he want to clear things up, maybe even apologize? My fingers hover over the keyboard, unsure of how to respond.
I stare at his message, trying to figure out what I want to say. Do I just come out and ask if it meant something to him? Or would that make things weird?
Before I can overthink it, my thumbs start moving.
Me: I just... I don't know, I didn't expect it.
I pause, feeling the nerves settle in my stomach as I watch the three dots appear.
Theo: Yeah, me neither. It sort of just happened, didn't it?
Me: Yeah...
I stare at the screen, waiting, hoping for more, but there's nothing.
I could leave it at that, pretend this conversation never happened and go back to normal tomorrow, but something inside me doesn't want to. I want to know if that kiss meant something to him, like it did to me.
Before I can stop myself, I type the question that's been nagging me at the back of brain.
Me: Did you... mean to kiss me?
The dots appear again, but they take longer this time. My chest tightens as I wait for his reply, imagining how this could go wrong.
Finally, his message comes through:
Theo: I think so? I don't know how to explain it, but I don't regret it.
I breathe out a small sigh of relief. It's not exactly a declaration of love, but it's something. Right now, that's enough.
Me: I don't regret it either.
Me: Now that that's been taken care of... where does this leave us?
The dots appear almost immediately, and my heart speeds up.
Theo: Honestly? I'm not sure. I didn't plan for it to happen, and I don't want things to be weird between us.
I feel a mix of emotions—relief that he feels the same uncertainty I do, but also a tiny sting of disappointment.
Me: Yeah, same here. I don't want it to be awkward either. We can just... I don't know, take it slow?
I hesitate before sending the message, hoping it doesn't come off as too forward.
He takes longer to reply this time.
Theo: That sounds good. I like where we are right now. No pressure or anything.
Me: Right. No pressure.
Theo: Plus, I don't think Dahlia would let me live it down if she thought we were a thing already.
Me: Oh, you're definitely right. She'd be all over us.
Theo: Exactly. So, let's not give her anything to work with just yet.
The light tone feels reassuring as if we've found our way back to familiar ground. I'm smiling now, the earlier tension in my chest finally easing up.
Me: Good call.
We're both quiet for a minute, neither of us sure what to say next. It's weird how things can change so quickly between two people, and yet, here we are- still talking like nothing's changed at all.
Me: So, tennis tomorrow?
I hold my breath as I wait for his answer, hoping we can go back to our usual banter without the kiss hanging over us.
Theo: Of course. Same time?
Me: You're on.
There's a small sense of relief as we wrap up the conversation. Things aren't defined, but they don't have to be. We'll figure it out in our own time.
I lay back against my pillow, staring at the ceiling. It's not exactly the most satisfying answer, but it feels... right, for now. The kiss didn't have to mean a relationship. Not yet, at least. We're both figuring things out, and that's okay.
