It's already been a decade and half since papa died, but until now I could still remember the pain like it all just happened yesterday. Like how my heart couldn't stop beating so fast while on the phone with my Tita that night she called to tell me my father didn't make it.
I can still feel the regret and guilt every time I see his picture hanging on the wall of our house. Ang hirap maka-usad. Parang pakiramdam ko ang laki ng naging pagkukulang ko bilang anak niya. Wala manlang akong nagawa. Hindi manlang ako nakapag paalam ng maayos.
It all felt so unfair. Na parang madaling-madali ang mundo na kunin ang papa ko.
"Ate... hindi pa umuuwi si mama,"
Nang sabihin sa akin 'yon ni Elena ay tila bumalik na naman ang pakiramdam na parang iniiwan na naman ako. Saglit akong natulala habang naka titig lang sa pintuan ng kwarto ni mama.
Iniisip ko kung saan siya pumunta. Kung bakit wala pa 'rin siya hanggang ngayon. At kung paano na ang mga kapatid ko kung pati siya aalis. I'm already thinking of the worst things.
Sinubukan kong tawagan ang telepono niya pero walang sumasagot. Kahit ang mga kamag anak namin ay hindi alam kung nasaan siya. Sa mga puntong ito hindi ko na alam ang gagawin ko.
Ang dami kong gustong sabihin pero kahit isang salita hindi ko mabigkas. Para akong napipi. I couldn't think straight. All that has been running inside my head is the questions of why, how, and when.
Why is she still not home? How could she be so selfish knowing that she has three children still relying on her, and when did it all started to go down like this.
Gusto kong sumigaw at mag-wala pero ayaw kong makita ako sa ganong estado ng mga kapatid ko. I don't want them to feel like they're losing me too. Especially now that our own mother is nowhere to be found...
"Lalabas lang ako saglit," I stood up and went.
Hindi ko na narinig pa ang sinabi ni Elena dahil dire-diretso na ako sa paglabas ng bahay. Sa isip ko gusto ko munang huminga saglit. Our house... it's becoming too suffocating.
At my usual spot, outside 7/11, I puffed the butt of the cigarette I brought. With every exhale, it's like my mind is slowly cooling off. I know this is bad. But this is where I found most comfort. My life's too toxic that this addiction already felt normal for me.
"Elysien?"
Napa tigil ako nang marinig ko ang pamilyar na boses na 'yon. At sa pag angat ko ng tingin ay sumalubong sa akin ang gulat at nalilitong mga mata ni Pancho.
"Panch-
"What are you doing here at this hour?" he said firmly while his hands are slowly leaving its comfort from the pocket of his hoodie.
He started walking towards me until we're finally just a few inches apart.
YOU ARE READING
It's okay, it's you
Подростковая литература"Let me at least show you... that I can love you properly this time." Elysien was never selfish. She will offer whatever she can, even the things she don't have for the people she holds dear in heart. But life isn't always as forgiving. At every mo...
