It's okay, it's you

Chapter 6

"Tulala ah?" 

Bahagya akong napa-igtad nang maramdaman ko ang malamig na inumin na idinikit ni Pancho sa pisngi ko. Kinuha ko agad ang bote ng mogu-mogu na hawak niya at tsaka ko siya pinanood na umupo sa harapan ko. 

"Thank you," 

Tumango lang ito sa akin at tsaka sumandal sa railings at pumikit. Hindi ko na siya kinausap pang muli at pinagmasdan na lang 'rin ang maaliwalas na kalangitan. 

Nasa rooftop kami ngayon ng Education Building. Kanina, matapos naming pumunta sa Head Department katulad ng sabi niya ay inaya niya ako dito kasi gusto niya raw ipakita sa akin yung bago niyang hide-out. 

"Ena?" 

Bumaba ang tingin ko kay Pancho nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko. 

"hmm?"

"That day, why did you cry?" he said in a low but clear voice. 

Tumaas ang kilay ko sa tanong niya. Huh? Anong ibig niyang sabihin? 

"When is that day?" I asked. Still confused about his question. 

Wala naman akong naaalala na nakita niya akong umiiyak. Saglit tuloy akong napa-isip. Have I ever even cried in front of other people? 

"Ah. Nevermind. Let's just go? Class's starting na," 

"Weirdo ka talaga." inirapan ko siya bago ako tumayo sa kinauupuan ko na sirang upuan. 

"Touché," 

My life didn't start out as depressing, but never too happy either. It was just always in between. Always neither, sometimes... almost.

I was my daddy's girl. Before and after Elena, I've always been my dad's favorite half. It was his face that I see before I go to sleep and the first thing I see when I wake up. My day wouldn't be complete without his endless jokes and I love you's. 

That's why after he died, a part of me went with him. It felt as if I would never become whole again no matter how hard I try to be happy. But still, I force myself to leave a little space of content for my mom. 

But how could I leave that spot open now that she'd left us too? I just couldn't understand. Was it ever so easy to leave someone? If so, why couldn't I? Why do I hesitate? 

"Ate, kumain ka na ba? May ulam pa-

"Kumain na ako, El." I looked at my sister's worried eyes before turning my back on her to go to my room. 

These days I've been finding it hard to even function. I'm just forcing myself to do so because nothing would ever change even if I start wasting my life away doing nothing. My dad will still be dead, and my mom would still be somewhere else but our house.