SHOW ME HOW

Chapter 4

I don't ask mom for updates about my health. I don't question why things are done a certain way, with regards to my treatment. I don't wonder what will happen at the next appointment, nor do I wonder what will happen to me tomorrow or any other day. I don't wonder and I don't ask questions because I hold no hope in my heart.

I do whatever my mother wants of me to keep her happy, even though I know in my heart of hearts these treatments won't work. This has been the same song for the past eleven years. That's why I don't start conversations, I only answer questions because I don't want to hurt my family any further with my words by speaking my mind.

When you remain silent you notice a lot. One day God will bless my mother with happiness for all she had to endure. I hope both of them eventually find happiness when my time on this earth is over.

Mom screamed and cried when the doctor informed her earlier today, that my last chemo did not work. At one point, I thought she would faint or get a heart attack when she received the news. The doctor told her that the chemo was doing more harm than good to my body at this point and that we should wait for my body to recover before attempting treatment again. 

He also mentioned that he was not hopeful that more chemo would work on its own. The next step would be to try a stem cell therapy to improve my body's ability to restore blood cells before attempting chemo again. He said that it would increase my chances of success, but mom can't afford it at this time, nor do we have a donor and looking for a donor also cost money. She's still paying off credit card debt and loans she made over the years to fund my treatments.

Mom has been sitting in the same position on the living room floor, holding me in her arms for the past few hours, after arriving back from the doctor's office.

"Why don't you say anything, Devin?" mom eventually croaked out, but I had no answers for her, so I remained silent.

"Tell me what you think" she begged, rubbing my face between her palms as she searched for answers deep in my eyes. The hurt and pain in hers was evident "tell me what you feel or what your fears are, my baby. What did we do to deserve such a miserable life?" she asked herself, crying again for the millionth time and I don't blame her, but she blamed herself.

She kept muttering that she was sorry, repeatedly. She is not to blame for my condition. I could never blame her.

At one point, I had to use the bathroom, and I wanted to watch the sunset. I never want to miss a sunset intentionally. It brings calm to my soul.

Mom looked tired, so I helped her to bed, gave her a sleeping pill and tucked her in after placing a glass of water on her bedside table. I didn't bother to eat dinner and just grabbed a bottle of water and one of Elijah's hoodie's before walking out the back door. I took mom's car and made my way to a clearing that overlooked the town. I don't think a lot of people knew about this clearing because I haven't encountered anyone while there, but that is where I love to come the most when I had a 'heavy day'. Today was one of those.

When I got there, I took the water bottle, pulled the hoodie over my head and climbed out, taking the pillow my mom always kept in the car along with me. I climbed onto the bonnet that was facing the sunset, placed the pillow on the window and laid back with my air pods blasting some afro-tech deep house, DJ Black Coffee to be exact.

The sky was clearly trying to show off tonight. Light blue's, oranges, greys and purples could be seen. I didn't want to think, I just absorbed.

I saw out of the corner of my eye a black expensive sports car pulling up a few meters away from me. The clearing was only so big, and it could most probably fit five cars.

Was I scared that the person in the car would hurt me? No, nothing scares me anymore, not even death.

I didn't bother glancing in the direction of the car and kept my focus on the sunset because that's all that mattered in this moment in time. My train of thought was interrupted by the person rolling his car window down, lighting a cigarette. Blowing out, puff after puff until he was done. I could smell the stench from where I sat.