Fragments of Me: Echoes in the Mirror

Vanessa...

I know she'll never see what I write here. Doubtful she even knows this site exists, or remembers that it does. She never cared much for my hobbies anyway, she would rather dote on my siblings and given them what they wanted, but even now that doesn't happen. She has become an even bigger piece of garbage than I ever thought possible. Which I suppose shouldn't shock me, but I always hoped that things wouldn't be this bad once I got older. However, as I hit adulthood it just got worse. She started seeing me as this evil, horrible person who was always against her when I never ever gave her a solid reason to ever think that about me. I know she is just projecting onto me and that's actually how she sees herself, but it still doesn't change things she has said to and about me. 

I wish she would change for the better and be the mom my siblings and I deserve, but I know that's too much to ask for. She's 42 now and at this point I think all hope for her ever being a loving parent is gone. She's only gotten worse at this point and I feel pity for her sometimes, but I know she did this to herself. She will die alone and in a nursing home somewhere paid for by the state and forgotten by us children. Honestly, Sky is probably going to be the only one out of us children who might care for her at that point, but the chance of that happening is getting slimmer by the day. I keep wanting to break the no contact we have, but I know it's not worth it. This year was the first year I didn't tell her Happy Birthday and it was hard. I know she probably hardly thinks about me, but truthfully I know she thinks about me more often than I think. My siblings tell me about the shitty stuff she says about me every so often and while it hurts, it makes me laugh knowing that I still haunt her thoughts. 

I've been told writing a message or letter to someone, even if you know it won't ever be read by them can help. So, I figure it couldn't hurt, ya know? I don't know, but it's better than nothing... I guess anyway.

Vanessa, 

I know you don't care to hear from me and honestly, I kind of like the silence between us. Yes, it does bother me a little knowing that my own mother doesn't want to talk to me and can't be an adult enough to have a conversation with me. But, I don't think that fact will ever change unfortunately. There's so much I want to say to you, but I know you won't give a shit about anything I have to say unless I tell you what you wanna hear. You are so obsessed with being right all the time that you let it cloud your judgement on what is reality and what's in your head. 

Maybe the reason you hate me so much is because I remind you so much of yourself, showing you what you could have had, what you could have been if I hadn't showed up in your life. The thing I don't understand though is that you had the opportunity to never have to deal with me again when Oma was going through the process of adopting me. But instead of letting the process finish and signing away your rights to me, you decided at the last moment that you wanted to be a mother and took me away. Why did you do that when you truly didn't want to? All my life you've told me all about how you regret having me, how I've fucked up your life so much, how I'm a disappointment, a whore, I make you want to kill yourself, and so much more. So, why did you choose to keep me? You had the chance to not burden yourself with me, but yet you chose that path and yet you decide that it's my fault? I don't understand your logic, I truly don't and I have tried so fucking hard to do so too to no avail. 

Thinking back about my entire life there are so many instances that I don't understand. The amount of times I defended you, protected you, raised my siblings, took care of you, all while trying to also raise myself is insane. And also enduring the years and years of abuse at not only your hand but others that you brought into my life. Yet, you still see yourself as this broken, single mother who just struggled so much and no one could ever possibly understand the pain and heartache you went through. But, you weren't a single parent with no support system... I was your support as were many other people who didn't deserve the treatment you gave them. I took care of the house and my siblings when you were at work and gods know where. I put my siblings to bed, cooked them food, helped them with their homework, got them ready for school, kept the house clean, took care of you in your drunken stupors, made sure you had food for lunch at work, all while keeping myself handled as well. Every single time anyone ever talked badly about you I was there to defend you and gave excuses for you.