Fragments of Me: Echoes in the Mirror

K. Strong...

You know, this is very much like how it feels to write to Vanessa. You won't listen to me no matter how badly I wish for you to. Honestly, your betrayal feels worse than hers. 19 years without contact, I pour my heart out to you about shit I went through, which doesn't even scrape the surface of what I experienced as a child... You promise me that you will be the dad you never could be because Vanessa wouldn't let you be one to me, but you don't even take initiative. I didn't have a dad growing up and when I got into contact with you it made me so happy because I thought that I could finally have a parent who gave a fuck about me. That I was wrong for thinking that my dad didn't want me...

I literally would tell myself countless times that no one could ever love me because if my dad could abandon me before even knowing who I was or who I could be then why would anyone ever want me? My own dad wasn't interested in me, didn't care enough about me to want to know me... So why would anyone else?

I told you all the awful things Vanessa said about you and you promised you would prove her wrong... She told me you were a piece of shit, you didn't have what it takes to be a dad, you didn't want to be a dad, you didn't care about me and countless other things. I fucking hate when she's right and all you're doing is proving her right about you and I hate it! I just want a parent who cares about anyone other than themselves and I hate being shown more and more that that may not be a possibility in my lifetime. Mom talks to me more than you do. Mom knows me more than you do. Mom is more of a parent to me than you are and that's heartbreaking. I'm not even her blood child, yet she treats me with more love and care than you do. What the fuck man?

I'm so tired of letting you continue to hurt my feelings and destroy the child that lives in my soul, the little girl who longs for a relationship with her parents. The little girl who has been abandoned by almost everyone who promised to love her and keep her safe. I won't let you hurt her anymore. I love you Dad, but it really doesn't fucking seem like you love me. You just love the idea of me. You love the idea of having a one up on Vanessa, knowing that I hate her and don't talk to her but that I'm talking to you. You don't even talk to me though unless it's convenient for you. Even a fucking "Hey, hope your day is going well. Miss you kid" would be better than the silent treatment you have given me.

The fact that the reason you didn't talk to me for a while was because you thought that Chris and I drove to Vegas that year pisses me off and just shows me how fucking childish you are. How can you hold a grudge for that long and not fucking say something to me? If you would have then you would have known that we fucking flew to Vegas. You're a child Dad and I hate that for you. You can't even step up enough to be the dad you claim to want to be.

When I got engaged to Tyler you texted me asking when you would be able to walk me down the aisle and to be honest, I laughed when I saw your message. What gives you the right to walk me down the aisle? What have you actually done for me to deserve that honor? In the last 5 years you have done nothing to truly try and create a relationship between us. Every time I visit you I don't expect to ever hang out with you. I expect to see my mom and my brothers because all you ever want to do is smoke weed and watch your fucking show. I don't wanna hang out in your damn bedroom and watch you zone out. I wanna fucking hang out with my dad and talk to him, go do random shit and build memories with you. What fucking memories do you expect to build with me when you won't even try? The best memories I have is literally playing Cards Against Humanity with you, mom and Anakin and then being at that music store and the dinner we had at that place in Meridian. I want something more than that. I know that we don't ever have a lot of money to do stuff, but fuck man, hanging out at a park, playing catch with a damn baseball, something! I just wanna bond with you, but I refuse to do it when I know you're more invested in your fucking Trailer Park Boys than your own daughter.