Fragments of Me: Echoes in the Mirror

8 months...

It's been 8 months since we last spoke and although part of me couldn't care less, it still hurts. I saw her at my aunt's funeral and yet she still paid me no mind, acted as though I never existed. Yet she still forbade me from being alone with my sister, so she must still realize I am here. Why am I meant to forgive and forget with her, but she doesn't have to take responsibility for the things she has done and put me through? Why are the children, the victims, told to be the bigger people, the adult in the situation, and fix the rut created between parent and child? Why can't the parent just realize what they did was wrong? 

"Your mom was just doing the best she could" "You know she still loves you, even though she doesn't know how to show it" "She's your mom, you only ever have one so just let it go" "Be the bigger person because you know she never will be so what's the point in waiting for something that will never come?"  "She had you young and she is still figuring out how to be a parent. Cut her some slack, okay?" "Don't be so hard on your mom, she went through a lot as a kid." "You don't have it half as hard as your mom did when she was growing up, so you can't complain too much." "At least you had food, a roof over your head and clothes on your back growing up. A lot of kids don't have that luxury so you should be grateful." And countless other excuses have been uttered to me growing up. Why is it that they think the bare minimum is enough? I didn't ask for this life, to exist in the family of a mother who cares more about herself and her wants than any other person in the world. 

The insults, the harsh words she threw at me, the physical abuse I endured at her hand, the countless nights I spent crying in my room because of her, my life being up-ended so many times and the mental health crisis' I endured for years all because she ran from her problems instead of facing the issues she created herself like a responsible adult. Now I am stuck with cleaning up her mess for the rest of my life. I will NEVER get my childhood back. I will NEVER know who I could have become had I not experienced what I did. 

Her manipulation tactics no longer work on me though, that I am proud of. A younger, more naive version of myself would have fallen for her last messages to me and just given up on trying to make her understand how much she hurt me. But I just couldn't not stand up for myself anymore. When I reached out to her that July 25th of 2024 I didn't know what conversation type to expect to be honest with you. But to have her respond to my message of "It's June. Don't know if you want my number but here it is if you need to get ahold of me." with an immediate start into manipulation angered me so much. More than it ever had as this wasn't the first time she had done this to me. I know she expected me to fold like I usually did, tell her that it's okay and that I love her. But not this time... Her "I always want to know how to reach you kiddo but I don't know if you truly want me in your life. That's what hurts the most." made me so unbelievably angry that I almost didn't know what to say. 

I was shocked really, why would she say that? I never once told her that I didn't want to talk to her. I was the one who always initiated the break in the silence between us because I was always told to "be the bigger person". I fucking hate that phrase. Why should I, the child, have to be an adult when her parent can't pull themselves out of their drunken stupor for long enough to have a reasonable conversation? 

I honestly don't know why I responded with that long paragraph that I did. Maybe it was hope that I could finally, FINALLY get through to her after all of these years. But, like usual, that was too much to hope for from her... I poured my heart out to her and explained to her how much she hurt me with everything she has said and done, told her things that happened to me as a child and she didn't even care about any of it. The only thing she focused on was bullshit that can't be fucking changed now anyway and she had nothing to do with it either. But, that's a classic Vanessa move though, to be fair. Never wanting to take responsibility for anything she ever does unless it benefits her to do so. She would rather play the blame game and act like you're blaming your entire shitty life on her without actually knowing it's truly her fault. "This is obviously a blame game and I'm to blame for everything no matter what so take whatever you need to out on me because in your eyes I was never a good parent to you no matter what I say."