leave me lonely | joshler

16. laila

"I just need to think for a little bit. Can you let me do that? Will you give me space to think?" Josh had heard Tyler say.

Josh could feel his heart shattering as he held Tyler closer. He feared he wouldn't get to touch him again. If this was going to be the last time, he was going to remember what this felt like. What Tyler felt like. What the feeling he gave inside Josh's chest felt like.

"Okay." Josh finally whispered.

Tyler had left after that and Josh found his way onto his couch, face emotionless and his eyes puffy as he stared at the wall in front of him. To put it in other words, Josh felt defeated. There were silent sirens going off in his mind that screamed "What if he never finds anyone like Tyler again?" "What if this was his last shot at love and he ruined it?" "What if Tyler never speaks to him again?"

Josh was so wrapped up in his mind he didn't even notice Grayson had walked out of his room. He didn't even notice him sitting next to him. He didn't even notice that he wasn't alone on the couch anymore until Grayson poking him tore him away from the wall he was oh so blatantly staring at.

"D-daddy? Are y-you okay? You d-didn't a-answer me." A worried Grayson asked his dad.

Josh gave him a fake smile and kissed his forehead. "Yeah bear, i'm alright don't you worry."

"F-fibber."

A shocked Josh looked at his son when he said that word, anxiety coursing through his veins.

"What-What do you mean Bear? Don't be silly. Daddy is okay." Josh fibbed as he gave his son a smile which frustrated Grayson and Josh could tell.

"Y-You f-fib a-again!" Grayson exclaimed, stuttering getting worse the more he got frustrated. "Y-You were h-happy e-earlier a-and a-after t-that g-guy l-left y-you a-are sad."

Josh grew more concerned at the fact Grayson was stuttering more than he has done in a while than the fact that his children could read him so well. He rubbed his son's face. "Grayson are you okay? You're fumbling over your words more."

Grayson nodded his head. "I a-am f-frus-frust," He started trying to say the word but couldn't get it out.

"Frustrated?"

"Yeah! T-That. I-I'm mad."

"Is it because of me?" Josh asked his son. Grayson nodded. "I d-don't l-like you fibbing d-daddy," he replied, taking a moment to collect his thoughts. "Why d-did t-that guy m-make you sad?"

Josh pulled his son into a hug and ran his hand down his back. "Thank you for being honest with me, Bear." He said before kissing the top of his curls.

Josh wasn't prepared to have this conversation with his 7 year old son, but the bond Josh shared with both of his children was something he didn't think he could describe. They are the two people he shared just about everything with. Exhaling, Josh began talking.

"I'm the reason why I am sad Bear," Josh told. "I kept something important from that guy that was here and it really upset him. Daddy really liked him."

Grayson took a moment to process Josh's confession as he twiddled with his dad's hands. About a minute later, Grayson replied, "L-like him?" L-like O-oakley's mommies?"

Josh let out a soft laugh. "Yes Bear. Just like Oakley's mommies. Is that okay?" Josh didn't raise his kids to be afraid of the world and he let his kids explore almost everything that had to do with gender roles and self acceptance. Still, there is always a nagging sense of anxiety in the back of his head.

Grayson giggled. "D-duh Daddy!" Which caused Josh to laugh and kiss his forehead. They were quiet for a moment before Grayson started speaking again. "W-Will he c-come b-back?" He looked up at his dad. Josh only frowned getting sad all over again. "I don't know. I really hope so."