𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘳𝘰𝘶𝘴.

𝘭𝘪𝘢𝘣𝘪𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘺.

abysmal - hannah bahng                                                                                                                                               (⋆)

i tried hard. every day i would make myself suffer just thinking that i was the problem and that if i suffered something would maybe change that i would realise where i was going wrong but nothing changed ever. for 5 years i struggled to enter college and when i did i still became the outlier, the one that didn't need to be here but someone helped me through it all ahn minsi.

she helped me through the roughest days and easiest days, yet during he roughest days i wasn't there for her. she killed herself, jumped off of a a hotel balcony landing into a pool wasn't discovered until the next morning she had slits through her wrists and signs of abuse were shown, yet i didn't fucking realise thats when my motto fully changed i turned into one happy, joyful person into someone who thought i could only find my purpose in suffering, because simply put i didn't feel like i deserved true happiness

maybe you think its stupid, but you only know how it feels after you go through something like it.

minsi. you see how much i'm going thru with this school? you told me if i stayed here in this country especially this school i would settle in well and have a great atmosphere to work with but mostly because you were going to be with me, yet. your not.

all i truly wanted for 4 years was for her to be with me and to join her, every time i tried to leave my parents told me i was a psycho and delusional for trying to kill myself just because she was dead but they didn't know how much i had been truly been suffering, they sent me to the psych ward for a few nights because they genially thought i was the pyscho because in their culture as a man you shouldn't be trying to harm yourself, the only time you should have scars is from protecting your family not from trying to do that to yourself, but i thought they knew and saw how much they knew i loved minsi, she was everything to me a sister, a friend, my soulmate and she killed herself trying not to hurt me in any way but if i'd known i would of protected her, took her anywhere she wanted to go yet she hid it and i fear im turning into her slowly, you could say me trying to protect augusta was from guilt but it was because i didn't want what happened to minsi to happen to her. if someone one else died like minsi did it would eat me up alive and i couldn't allow that ever again, ever.

i saw minsi in augusta, how happy she could be and how vulnerable she could get it was exactly how minsi was like when she was happy everyone else adored it but when she was vulnerable nobody could stand it, but in augusta's case i never saw her happy which mentally hurt me because thats how minsi was like on her last days and it made me fear how she would end up in her future she needed a positive outlet and i felt like i could be her outlet, but the problem is she doesn't know who i am truly.

i didn't want to leave without augusta leaving her to struggle with these punitive monsters was the last thing on my mind but it felt like i was reliving my past all over again and im terrified to relive it again because im scared where i will end up at the end of it but running away from my problems wasn't the right cause

he saw what was the right option at the time.

blades were full of blood and started to stain his chain, his cross without his white shirt being full of blood fully drenched after 5 minutes, thats how deep he cut through his bare skin

he believed he wasnt a true man, tyring to escape his past and making people suffer he slowly fainted in his place right next to minsi's grave

minsi?