Don't wanna be his

Chapter 30. The uneasiness

Jhanvi

Since last night, this feeling has been gnawing at me, like something bad is about to happen–something tragic. I can't help but think about him. What if he goes to work, and something happens? That's the only thought running through my mind. I know I should think positively and ignore this dumb feeling, but whenever I feel like this, something always happens and I mean always.

I'm feeling so uneasy that it's making me sad. I don't want to be sad, but I can't stop feeling this either. I don't know what to do. I could ask him not to go to work today, and I know he won't say no. But I still can't bring myself to. What is this feeling? Is it stress? Panic? Anxiety? What is it? This feeling comes once a year, and I hate it.

I took a shaky breath and looked down at my hands, at my ring. He's so understanding so I'm not scared that he'll think I'm talking about something dumb. He cares about my feelings and I understood that a while ago but I still can't bring myself to talk to him. I'm his wife, I shouldn't be like this, I can talk to him, I can. I repeated it in my mind as much as I could, trying to gather up some courage to go and express my feelings even if it seemed impossible for now.

I took another shaky breath and opened my eyes. I clenched my hands into fists and walked out of the room in long strides. This motivation of mine will fade away in a few minutes so before that happens I'll just go and be straight up with him. I'll tell him what I'm feeling and ask him if he can not go to work. Yes, Jhanvi, you got this. Go to your husband and talk to him, be confident, it'll be fine, he'll understand you, just talk with confidence.

But as soon as my eyes landed on him, I quickly stopped where I was turning around and started walking back upstairs but I quickly stopped myself. No, Jhanvi. You need to talk to him, or else you'll spend the whole day overthinking about him being fine or not and this uneasiness will just grow, and you won't be able to go through the day with it. So turn around and go downstairs, there's no need to be nervous. I explained myself turning around again, and rushing back downstairs. The sound of my anklets echoed through the quiet living room, filling the space as I made my way toward him.

I got this, I got this, I got this. I repeated it in my head not knowing why I was feeling this nervousness all of a sudden. When I woke up I started feeling all kinds of emotions, sad, angry, happy, all at once. I even took a cold shower to calm it down, thinking it was anxiety, but it didn't help. I felt like crying instead.

I stopped behind him, his back facing me. My heart pounded in my chest all of a sudden. I closed my eyes and inhaled preparing myself, my body relaxing instantly as his scent filled my nostrils, my heart calming down and the feeling slowly fading away without me even noticing it.

"Sahil ji aaj aap kaam par nahi ja sakte kya?" I asked softly, my voice barely above a whisper. A small smile spread across my face, though I didn't even notice.

"Why would I?" His voice, colder than I'd ever heard. A tone that he never used before with me, a cold tone that pierced my hopes within seconds. My smile faded. My mouth opened, but I quickly closed it again, feeling like someone just squeezed my heart in their hand. I looked down at the floor and gulped, trying to push away the sadness that started crawling back into my chest. I've never heard this tone of his before, so cold and harsh, so angry and annoyed like I've done a crime or even worse. Maybe he's tired? Jhanvi this is your chance. Ask him, the worst he'll say is no, and you're already sad so you won't get more sad right? Right.

But can you really just ask him? I mean, All of a sudden?

"Oh..main aapse kuch puch sakti hu?" I asked, trying to hide the sadness in my voice with a small smile. He didn't answer. The silence grew heavier.