Back from the edge

9 1 0
                                    

I drag myself to our bedroom, my feet heavy and my heart even heavier. The room is as messy as always. Yohan never could keep things tidy—his clothes tossed on the chair, his guitar leaning against the wall, random sheets of music scattered on the desk. His scent still lingers, faint but unmistakable. I can almost hear him humming to himself as he shuffles through his things, like he used to.

I stumble over to the bed and grab one of his shirts, pulling it close to my chest, burying my face in it. The familiar scent, so warm and comforting, is now a painful reminder that he’s gone.

"Yohan...," I whisper, my voice breaking. "Wh... Where are you? I... I can't find you…"

Tears slip down my cheeks, my body trembling as I clutch the shirt tighter, as if holding on to it might somehow bring him back. The silence in the room is unbearable.

Just then, I hear a soft voice behind me.

"Yuri...?" Yoonsoo's voice is tentative, concerned.

I don't turn around. I can't. I can't face anyone, not even him. My grip tightens on Yohan's shirt, as if letting go would mean losing Yohan all over again.

Yoonsoo kneels beside me, his face etched with worry. "Yuri, I searched for you... You left the hospital without telling me."

I clutch Yohan's shirt even tighter, my heart aching beyond what words could ever express. "Yoonsoo… Yohan… How can he do this to me? How could he just… leave? He promised me, yoonsoo. He promised he'd never leave me. How can he break it? How… how am I supposed to live without him? How…"

My breath catches in my throat as sobs overtake me. "He was my only family. My only reason to keep going. And now... now I'm left alone. Again. Why does everyone leave me? Why always me? What about me ? How am I supposed to live like this...?"

I struggle to breathe, my chest tight with the weight of my grief. It's like the room is closing in on me, suffocating me with memories and broken promises. Yoonsoo places his hand gently on my back, trying to console me, whispering something I can’t even process.

His words don’t reach me. They float somewhere above my head, like faint echoes in a deep, empty cave. No matter what he says, the sadness is too thick, too heavy, too overwhelming. All I feel is the deep, gnawing emptiness. Yohan is gone. And with him, a part of me has been ripped away, leaving behind only an unbearable silence.

Yuri: "It's all because of me... Yes, it's all my fault..."

Yoonsoo: "Yuri, what are you saying? Stop talking like that... Get up, let's go to the hospital. You're not well."

Yuri: "No, yoonsoo... it's me. If I hadn't argued with him, he wouldn't have left the house... He'd still be here. It's all my fault..."

The weight of my guilt crushes me, and before I can say anything more, the world turns dark.

When I open my eyes, the room feels strange, unfamiliar. Yoonsoo is sitting beside me, his face tired and worried.

Yoonsoo: "You're finally awake. Do you know how long you’ve been asleep? The doctor gave you something to help you rest. It's been two days now."

Yuri: "Two days?"

Yoonsoo nods, his voice softer now. "Yes. You were so exhausted that you passed out. I brought you back to your apartment to rest. You've been sleeping since then."

I blink, trying to absorb his words, but my mind feels hazy, like I'm trapped between dreams and reality. Two days. The weight of time feels unbearable, and yet it means nothing. Yohan is still gone, and nothing has changed. The emptiness remains.

Five months have passed, each day dragging on like an eternity. Without Yohan, time has lost its meaning. I can't sleep without pills, and even then, it's like I'm only half-conscious, drifting in and out of a numb void. Every Friday, I find myself in the psychiatrist's office, talking about nothing and everything, searching for a feeling that seems to have vanished since Yohan left me. I don’t cry anymore—not because the pain is gone, but because it’s buried so deep that tears can’t reach it.

Every time I close my eyes, I see him. His face, his smile, the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed. He’s always talking to me in these dreams, but I can never make out the words. It’s like he’s right there, just out of reach, and it tears at me in ways I can't describe.

Yoonsoo calls me every day, asking about my health, whether I've eaten, whether I'm taking my medication. It’s strange, this concern. We were never that close, never more than casual friends who shared a few conversations here and there. Now, he’s become this constant presence, checking in, offering help I don’t know how to accept. I don’t understand why he bothers. I don’t know what to say to him. But I answer his questions because it’s easier than talking about how hollow I feel inside.

Each time the phone rings, it's like a lifeline in the silence that surrounds me, reminding me that I’m still here, that someone is still willing to reach out, even when I feel like I’ve already drifted too far away.

These past five months have been the hardest of my life. After Yohan left this world, I was left completely alone. No one to call family, no one to hold on to. In those first few days, I cried endlessly, day and night, until my eyes were swollen and red. I wandered through our home, searching for traces of him in every corner, every shadow. It felt impossible to breathe, like my chest was being crushed under the weight of my grief.

One night, the emptiness became too much. I decided I couldn't bear this meaningless life anymore. I took a blade to my wrist and closed my eyes, hoping for the darkness to take me. But somehow, yoonsoo found out. He came to the hospita re and rushed me ig me from myself. After that, his concern foronly grew. He kept a closer eye on me, checking in more frequently, his voice filled with a worry I didn't understand.

But the darkness didn't go away. A few weeks later, I tried again. And once again, I failed. Yoonsoo found me and, this time, he was furious. I remember his voice shaking with anger and something else- something raw and desperate.

"Yuri, do you think this is what Yohan would want?" he said, his eyes blazing with unshed tears. "You think he'd be happy to see you like this? Hurting yourself, trying to throw away the life he loved so much? You don't have to live for yourself right now. I know you can't. But live for him. Stay alive for him, because he wouldn't want to see you like this. You're the one he loved more than anything, and he'd never forgive himself if he knew what you were trying to do."

His words struck something deep inside me, pulling me back from the edge. For the first time, I saw the pain in his eyes, the fear that I might actually succeed in leaving this world too. It was like he was holding on to me with everything he had, refusing to let go. And in that moment, I realized that maybe, just maybe, I wasn't completely alone after all.

Echoes of the  Rain Where stories live. Discover now