‧₊˚✧[𝑪𝒚𝒃𝒆𝒓]✧˚₊‧ (𝐰𝐥𝐰) 𝐋𝐲𝐧𝐧 𝐋𝐨𝐮𝐝 𝐉𝐫 𝐱 (𝐲/𝐧)

Figuring Myself Out

TW: Emotional

(Y/n)'s POV

I stare at the ceiling, my back lied down on my bed.

"What just happened?" I ask myself in my head.

"Why did I kiss her back?"

"Why didn't I push her off?"

"What even was that?"

"What are we?"

"What am I?"

There were at least a million thoughts running through my head, all having the same answer; I don't know.

I slap my hands on my face and groan.

"I shouldn't be feeling this," I say aloud, "she's a girl."

I stay like that for a few moments before getting up and heading to my bathroom to splash some water on my face.

I open the door, walk in, and stand in front of the sink.

I look at myself in the mirror. It was almost as if I didn't recognize who I was looking at.

I'm supposed to like boys. Not girls.

It was the only thing I knew about love. The only thing I was taught growing up.

I was only ever raised around opposite gender relationships and marriages. So then... Why was I feeling this way for a girl?

It didn't make much sense to me at all.

I continued to blankly stare at myself.

Slowly, my face begin to scrunch up into a grimace, my face reddened, and I could see tears forming in my eyes.

I shake my head and close my eyes, before I begin to break down.

I place my elbows on the counter of the sink, my head in my hands as I silently sobbed.

I hated feeling like this. Feeling like I've been lying to myself all these years.

I begin to recount all those times I've dated boys. I never actually liked any of them. I only liked the idea of having a boyfriend.

I know how wrong that sounds. But it's true. I feel like I've never truly liked a boy.

Not Tyler. Not my ex. Not any of the other boys in the past.

Knowing that scared me. What would my dad think? What would my friends think? What would she think?

"You're so stupid for letting this happen," I thought, "how could you've let this happen?!"

I lift my head from my hands, looking back at myself.

My face red, my eyes glistening with a red hue, and the most foul grimace on my face.

I wanted to scream. To just shove my head in a pillow and scream until my vocal cords blew out.

I turn around, before storming out of the bathroom, heading back to my room.

I slam my bedroom door behind me, looking at my walls.

A bunch of posters with men on them, fairy lights, and a few printed out pictureso album covers.

But I was more so focused on the posters.

I walk over to one of my walls, ripping off the posters, some ripping right down the middle as I did so.

I did this to the rest of my walls until I finally tore the last poster.

I look around, ripped and crumbled poster pieces on my floor, no longer any posters.

I run a hand through my hair, and wipe the few beads of sweat off my forehead.

It was....very dramatic of me. But I didn't care. I hardly could.

I look around at my room a bit more before my eyes landed on my bedside table. It had a little drawer.

I walk over to it, opening the drawer.

I spot my lighter and pack of cigs.

I grab them both, slipping my shoes back on, and walking out of my room.

I walk through the small hallway that had my room, the bathroom, and my dad's room.

I make my way past the kitchen and the living room, where my front door was.

I place my hand on the door knob and turn it, stepping out onto my porch.

There was a big bench on my right, so I turn that way, and sit on it.

I open the pack, grabbing out a cig and placing it between my lips, lighting it.

I inhale the smoke deeply, before removing it from my lips and exhaling.

I just wanted to numb this stupid feeling. To forget all about it.

I honestly didn't even want to go to school the next morning.

________

After a few minutes, I took one last puff and put it out.

I clear my throat as I stood up, and walked back into the house.

I go straight to my bedroom, putting everything back in my drawer and turning the lamp on my bedside table off.

I sighed as I sat down on the edge of my bed, my elbows on my thighs as I rubbed my hands up and down my face with a groan.

I kick my shoes off, and slip into bed, pulling the covers over my shoulders.

I begin to think of my mom, and what she might think of all this.

Of course, my mind went to the most negative things possible, which ended up just making me feel worse.

The rest of the night I tossed and turned, unable to sleep, until finally, what felt like hours, I had drifted off.

________

A/N

This one was so difficult to write because I never experienced denial when it came to my sexuality. It just sort of happened, and I ended up coming out to my parents so casually. So I just used what I've seen in coming out scenes that are on TV and I tried my best to make the best depiction as I could through words.

This isn't a way to brag or say that coming out is "easy", because it's not. I'm just explaining that for me it happened out of nowhere, so I've never experienced that kind of denial before.

That's also why this chapter isn't as long; because I'm unsure of what other kinds of emotions and actions I can add.

But other than that, tysm for almost 1k reads. I love y'all. <33

You are loved. You are important. You matter. You are funny. You are attractive. You are sweet. You are kind. You are caring. You are open minded. You are enough. And I'm proud of you.

Never stop being you. So what if someone dislikes you or doesn't want to be your friend? It's their loss because they're missing out on having the most wonderful person in their life (you ❤️).

Sorry I got all sappy. I just wanted to remind you all of your importance in this world. <33

- Annaliese