An Encounter – The 1975
Finding a starting point for all this was like searching for a needle in a haystack, because none of us knew when it happened. All we could know for certain was that deep down, we always sensed it and simply ignored it, using defense mechanisms against situations that seemed strange. And they weren't strange because it was uncomfortable, but because of our peculiar history. I used to not overthink it because most times it ended in a place I didn't like, and my mood would plummet to the depths of hell, burning slowly and painfully. But now that I'm rethinking things, each memory that comes to mind doesn't sink but rises; perhaps an analogy not everyone will understand, but I'm not expecting them to. My memory isn't as good as I'd like it to be now, to detail everything correctly, but I recall the things I said at the time, which made me realize that perhaps all those times I said and thought them, my subconscious was screaming at me.
I realized — perhaps too late, but with a glimmer of hope — that I broke myself because before everything, I already knew how things would be, and yet I didn't stop. Even with all that, I finally managed to stop: I realized that every action has a reason. Although I acknowledge that was one of my biggest mistakes: accelerating full throttle without a warning sign to slow down, a healthy doubt that would calm the adrenaline I always felt.
The first time I questioned my life and why I was doing something I'd never done before, even if only for a moment, was when one night, crying, I took a deep breath and told myself, 'Enough.' It seems simple, seems foolish, seems like what others would say from the outside, but it's not that easy: you need tremendous willpower to admit you don't deserve something, that you don't deserve someone who can't decide if they want you in their life.
Alongside that, and although it also seems foolish, I'm a very dreamy and spiritual person, and in my dreams, from that moment on, he no longer appeared. I knew my feelings had changed in some way, but I was afraid to admit it... In the end, for those moments we shared, I felt loved in a way I never had before because I felt reciprocated for the first time with the same intensity I gave.
But I was wrong.
Still, it's likely that this story will be predictable, and some things will be so obvious to others that I'll want to bang my head against the wall again. But as Antoine de Saint-Exupéry said, 'What is essential is invisible to the eye.'
I think that coulddefine our story.
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𝘉𝘺 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘚𝘪𝘥𝘦 #1
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