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In July 2018 Michelle found herself swimming in a sea of darkness. Her thoughts were filled with cryptic thoughts that had become a parallel of darkness; it was darker than dark. She felt like she was a hundred miles out into the middle of the ocean on a moonless night with no sign of help. However, this wasn't physical darkness; she couldn't flip a switch or pull a string that was going to bathe her in the relief of light. She was trapped in emotional and spiritual darkness buried beneath the bricks of anxiety and depression.
Michelle found herself suffering for months, however, it wasn't always that way. Around this time, Michelle was engaged and she was happy as she had finally found a man who loved her and only her. For once she didn't have to sneak around to get love and affection, she finally found someone for herself. Still, she also had someone who wasn't fully hers. However, she couldn't seem to break away from the woman's hold; she couldn't stop loving her and that was her biggest mistake.
Michelle had tried to stray away from Beyoncé; it's what her mind was telling her to do; however, she soon began to ignore her mind and began to listen to her heart. It was screaming for her to be with Beyoncé and unfortunately, she couldn't ignore her heart any longer. She agreed to perform with Beyoncé; it was a decision she would soon come to regret.
Michelle's life was now ruined; she had just broken things off with her fiance, losing the only person who bothered to love her; she had also been outed to the entire world, leaving her hated by many if not all. One kiss had managed to ruin her entire life and one woman had managed to break her heart, shattering it beyond repair.
For weeks Michelle had sat on her couch in her small living room, the room around her cast in complete darkness. She didn't remember the last time she was exposed to light. She hadn't been outside in weeks and she was too scared to turn on any lights. She had been living in darkness, seemingly her thoughts were also trapped in the darkness.
"What songs will they sing at my funeral?" Michelle quietly wondered, already judging their choices.
She also wondered who would take up the responsibility of even organizing her funeral. She had wondered the same thing multiple times throughout her life, mainly when she was fighting the darkness that threatened to overtake her. Honestly, she knew that she shouldn't be giving life to the darkness, she should be fighting it off instead; however, she didn't bother to fight it anymore. At this point, she knew there was no point in doing so; she just knew that this time, the darkness was going to swallow her right up.
Unlike before, Michelle didn't just think about the music; she now found herself imagining the entire service; she was practically fantasizing about it now. She was debating which scripture should be read. She had many options in mind that she wanted, all of which she made sure to write down. She also made sure to write down that she didn't want any family members singing or speaking; she thought that'd be too much to ask.
