That's the question I've always asked myself throughout my life. I think it's because of my age—I kind of panic when I realize I don't have a boyfriend yet. But deep down, I know I don't want to just end up with someone who only holds the title of "boyfriend." I want him to be mine. If you know what I mean—I hope so.
Right now, I'm listening to Jeff Bernat's Still, and I don't know why his songs are so painful—Wish Well, Still, Cruel—they represent how I feel right now. Seeing him avoid me, ignoring my messages, and giving me closure still hurts. I feel like I don't deserve to be loved. It feels like God never lets me be with someone I want, ever since elementary school. God has never allowed me to have this kind of relationship.
Is it because I overthink things? Is it because my thoughts are too wild? I know what's right and wrong. I have my religion, and I keep that in mind. But I'm wondering why God has always been like this with me. I'm tired. I need someone by my side—with a note: I want him to be the guy I want, not just because I need someone. You know the difference between wanting and needing someone, right?
It hurts so much. It hurts because God has never let me feel this thing called "love." I don't get it. I can protect myself, and I know how to control myself. God, is it so hard for me to be loved by someone I want? Is it that hard to have someone I can rely on?
I'm tired of standing on my own. I've always been a leader for my family, and now I'm exhausted. I want someone to be with me. I want someone to accompany me. I want him to be my equal. And when I finally see someone I think I could be with, you never let me, God.
I just want to be loved. I just want to be hugged. I know I'm desperate, and I try to hide it, but right now, I can't. I feel like my heart is breaking again, piece by piece. But deep down, I know you'll never leave me hanging in this broken-hearted feeling. I know there must be a reason why you're doing this to me, right, God?
KAMU SEDANG MEMBACA
A 26-Year-Old's Diary
NonfiksiA collection of thoughts from a 26-year-old girl who's never been in a relationship, works a 9-5 job, is uncertain about the future, believes in God, and often has a lot on her mind.
