️♥𝕾𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖐𝖊 𝖔𝖋 𝕷𝖔𝖛𝖊♥

𝕮𝖍𝖆𝖕𝖙𝖊𝖗 4 : 𝕱𝖊𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖓𝖌𝖘 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝕮𝖆𝖘𝖘𝖊𝖗𝖔𝖑𝖊𝖘

Julian's POV

I shouldn't have agreed with it. It was just a stupid dare, my friends would have understood if i had said no. But i did it and now i regret it. I hear the doorbell ring and i open the door. "Ashby...what are you doing here". "Can't i see my best friend"? he chuckles. I let him in and we sit together on the couch silently for a few moments.

"So, what was that call about"? he asks slowly. "It was just a dare i'm sorry" I say as I feel my cheeks burning up. "We used to talk so freely, Julian, what happened to us"? he grips my chin to gaze into my eyes. "Nothing happened, we're still who we are" i turn my eyes down avoiding his probing eyes. "Do you like me"? Ashby says surprising himself more than me. I freeze. He catches me off guard. My mouth feels dry, my head spins. I want to answer, but my brain feels disconnected from my body. "I- I don't know" I look back up at him trying to read what he's thinking. I shield my face with my hands trying to cower away from him.

"Hey" Ashby says in a soothing voice. He gently moved my hands so he could see my eyes. I felt electricity shoot up my body. "It'll all be fine...we're Ashby and Julian remember? Nothing can come between us" he says as I remember the words from when we were kids. With his eyes locked onto mine, he moved his face closer. I don't think my heart has ever pounded this fast in my entire life. I wanted to know everything that was going on through his mind. And more than anything, I wanted to feel his lips on mine.

Just as the longing became unbearable, he gently pressed his lips onto mine. But just as quickly as it started, i pulled away "I don't think we should..." I say tentatively. "Is there something wrong"? Fortuitously Gideon's face comes into my mind at that moment, and I try to brush the image out of my head What the hell is this? This wasn't supposed to happen. I was never supposed to feel this way about anyone, let alone him. I can't do this. Not with Ashby, not with anyone. Not when I keep thinking of Gideon... "No! You're amazing and uh this is amazing" I stutter. "You know you can tell me anything right"? he says searching my eyes.

"The thing is" I sigh shutting my eyes hard so that I won't have to see his hurt face "You're a guy and i'm a guy and i just don't see how this could work out" I move slightly trying to create space between us. "So that's what you think"? he says pursing his lips together. He slowly gets up and opens the front door. "Ashby..." I call out. "No" he says as he leaves me alone with my thoughts. The door shuts, and I'm left standing in the silence.

I start to feel my eyes well up with emotion. This wasn't supposed to happen, Ashby is my best friend. This can't happen! I sob as I wonder, could i possibly like guys? I sit down on the couch, feeling the emptiness of it all. I should've known this was going to happen. Why the hell didn't I just say no? Why did I let this go this far? Ashby's voice echoes in my mind: You can tell me anything, right? But I can't. I can't even tell myself what's going on in my head, let alone him.

I find myself reaching for my computer, the only thing that can distract me. "Am I gay?" I type into the search bar. I take every quiz that comes up, not expecting answers, but hoping for some kind of certainty. But they're all different. They don't make any sense. And the only thing I feel is more confused.

****

I wake up to my alarm ringing. Ugh I have swimming practice today. I get ready, eat some cereal and drag my feet to the door. I drive up to Oasis and find Tadj already in the water. I change in the locker room and join him. I love the feeling of the water, with each movement I can feel the water flowing around and through my body, its coldness causing goosebumps to form on my arms and legs.

Tadj waves at me "Hey! You're a little late today". "Um i guess i just took a really long shower" I reply. "You've never been late to practice in your life" he says raising his eyebrows at me. I ignore him and continue swimming. I almost finish a lap as I see my coach walk in. "Alright guys, gather around". All my teammates get out of the pool to convene around the coach.

"So as you guys know-" he says as we hear the door creaking loudly. Caleb, one of our teammates rushes in and apologies to the coach. But it's not really a surprise to any of us, Caleb is always late. "To return to what I was stating" he says rolling his eyes at the accustomed. "As you guys know we have nationals in two weeks, so i want you guys to be serious and not be late to practice again" he says all while eying Caleb.

"I want you guys to stay for longer to train and i'll be watching each and every one of you and keep notes, You all need to do well this time and not fuck up like you lads did in the nationals last year". he says pointedly at all of us. We all nod and get back into the water with Caleb sheepishly tagging behind us.

When I train, I feel like I forget everything else going on in my life, I take that as a mental note as I swim to forget everything that happened yesterday with Ashby. A few hours later I see Gideon walk in with his usual portfolio bag and i wave at him. He smiles as he waves back enthusiastically clutching his bag with the other hand. I swim as i recall the swan painting in his room, I wonder how that's going. 

After it gets late I wrap up and ask Tadj if he wants to eat casseroles at my house. He nods saying "You know how much I love your casseroles". I can't cook or bake for shit but my mom's recipe is unbeatable.

"Can Gideon join? He's never tried your casseroles before" Tadj says chuckling.

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