𝟐 | The Secrets We Keep

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NEMARRA AND I HAD DISCOVERED NYANTI GROVE AS CHILDREN, NOT LONG BEFORE OUR TEST TO BECOME SPIRITBORN. Stumbling upon it while chasing each other through the jungle, it quickly became clear: it was a very special place. A small clearing near the edge of Narorobi territory, it was right at the end of the nearby river, for a low-level waterfall was falling into a small pool nearby. There were vines weaving between the trees, providing a sort of natural wall. But the most unique thing about it were the massive stone Spirit Guardian totems that ringed the clearing. There were six of them - the four ones we knew about, but surprisingly, the other two I wasn't sure. They were mostly destroyed, but one appeared to be some sort of dog, while the other looked like some kind of legless creature. Regardless, it gave us some comfort being there - almost as if the Guardians were watching over us. So, we had converted it into a safe space - a place for us to train, talk, and just be ourselves. Our true selves.

Now, I was sitting cross-legged on the ground in front of the statue of Rezoka, watching as my sister repeatedly struck the stone statue of Wumba. She did this whenever she was upset; as a child, she would punch the statue (or anything hard, really) to train and desensitize herself to pain. Now, she barely felt anything - even the worst of pain barely affected her. And coming here was more for her to let out all her frustrations rather than train, since she hardly needed it anymore.

"Do you think Father will actually make me marry one of the Chief's sons?" I asked Nemarra, using a stick to draw circles in the dirt in front of me.

"Not if I have anything to say about it," Nemarra replied, not even looking in my direction as she continued to strike the statue.

"But what if he does?" I asked, my anxiety over the possibility flooding through me. "What if he forces me to?" I gasped as several thoughts popped into my brain. "What if I have to marry a horrible man? What if I have to have his children? What if our children are horrible? What if he tries to overthrow-"

"Rani, Rani, Rani," Nemarra said quickly, laughing softly and cutting me off as she turned to me and shook her head. "Stop worrying." She smiled. "I promise I won't let that happen. You won't ever have to marry a man in your lifetime. I swear that on my life and our mother's grave."

I couldn't help but smile back, reassured by her words. "Thanks, Nemarra." My smile then faded, and I sighed and looked down. "I wish I didn't have to keep this a secret."

"I wish you didn't either," Nemarra said. She walked over to me and knelt in front of me before putting a hand on my shoulder. "But you know how Father is, if he found out that you only have eyes for women, he'd be furious. And I could never live with myself if he banished you for it."

My eyes didn't lift to meet hers. "Still, I wish there was a name for... for..." I huffed. "Whatever's wrong with me."

"Rani..." Nemarra shook her head, her voice full of sympathy. "There is nothing wrong with you. You're allowed to love whoever you want to love. So don't you ever think for even a second that it's wrong."

I shook my head. "I know. It's just..." My shoulders sagged. "No other woman in the village has feelings for other women like I do." My eyes welled up with tears, and my voice cracked as I said softly, "And I... I don't want to die alone."

Nemarra shook her head, wrapping her arms around me. I inhaled shakily, burying my head in her chest as tears began to fall from my eyes, and she held me close to her, not saying a single word as I started to cry.

This was why I loved Nemarra. She had always been the strong and resolute one, unwavering and level-headed in her emotions. Which worked well for me, since I was often emotional and easily overwhelmed, made extremely anxious by the littlest of things. She was the shoulder I could cry on, the person I could come to for support when I needed it, the one I knew I could be open with about anything and she would never judge me. Which was why she had been the first and only person I told when I discovered I had no romantic interest in men. And thank Sevella she was more than accepting of it.

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