The Ex-Husband of Alice Langley

38

PARIS SWIFT-KELCE
I grip the edges of the hospital bed like it's the only thing keeping me tethered to reality. "This is it," I groan. "I'm going to die. Right here. In this ugly gown."

Mom, standing beside me, squeezes my hand. "You're not going to die. Remember your breathing—inhale, exhale, like we practiced."

I shoot her a look. "Practice? You mean that one class where I fell asleep halfway through?"

"To be fair, that instructor was boring," she admits, then tries to sound encouraging. "Just think about something calming. Like the ocean."

"I don't care about the ocean!" I yell as another contraction hits, and I practically lift off the bed. "I care about this tiny human trying to claw its way out of me like a horror movie!" I gasp, the pain sending a shiver down my spine. "Oh my God, I take it back! I'm sorry for everything I've ever done wrong!"

A nurse walks in, smiling like she's just walked into a spa instead of a labor room. "How are we doing?"

I glare at her. "I don't know, Diane. How do you think I'm doing?"

Diane pats me on the shoulder. "Almost there. Let's keep those breaths steady."

I blow out a breath. "Steady? STEADY? Have you ever tried pushing a watermelon through a straw?"

Mom tries not to laugh. "You're doing great, honey."

I turn to her. "Mom, I swear if you say 'breathe' one more time—"

Another contraction hits, and I clench my jaw. "Okay, I changed my mind. I want an epidural. Where's the button for that? Do I press it, or do I punch it?"

Mom raises her hands like she's trying to calm a wild animal. "You're too far along, sweetie. It's all natural from here."

"Natural?!" I throw my head back. "Whose idea was this, anyway?"

"Well, technically—"

"Not the time, Mom!"

Lauren jumps in, trying to be helpful. "Okay, what if we distract you? Want me to play that meditation app?"

I blink at her. "Lauren, if you pull out that app, I will personally make sure you never hear the end of it."

Another contraction starts, and it feels like my spine is splitting in half. I reach out, grabbing Lauren's shirt, and yank her close. "I can't believe you did this to me you bitch!"

Her eyes go wide, and she raises her hands in surrender. "I did nothing of the sort!"

"I know," I grunt through clenched teeth, "but Liam isn't here, and I need someone to blame!"

She blinks, then her face softens with a smile. "I know! I know! I'm so sorry for doing this to you! I love you..." she says playing along.

I glare at her, but there's no real anger behind it. "Oh, now you say you love me. Convenient."

Lauren laughs, brushing my hair back from my sweaty forehead. "Hey, if it helps, you can keep blaming me. I'll take the heat."

Another wave of pain hits, and I groan, squeezing her arm so tightly she winces. "Good, because it's definitely your fault now."

The nurse hands me a cup of ice chips. "Here, this might help."

I stare at the cup like she's just offered me sand in the desert. "Ice chips? ICE CHIPS? I need an epidural, a massage, and someone to knock me out—" Another wave hits, and I'm right back to yelling, "—not ice chips!"

Lauren tries to feed me one, and I swat her hand away. "I will throw this at you."

She looks helplessly at the nurse, who only shrugs. "First-timer?"