Miss Yourself

Silver Blue

The sun peaks through the clouds. The hotel we're staying in is nice and the beds have those white sheets and blankets that make the room feel clean. Of course, I wasn't able to sleep. We drove a whole day and skipped through some time zones. We'd been shuttled onto a jet at three A.M. Flew for two hours and landed two miles away from the hotel putting us through another time zone. The sun rises at five here and I've been sitting here for about an hour so we got here at four A.M. which means time went backwards. I haven't been in America long enough to have an opinion about anything but I sit here in the padded window sill looking out at the city we've landed in. We're in Nashville Tennessee. I've hear a lot about Tennessee, a lot of musicians live here.
Sahar would love it here. would have loved it. Oh... that's rough.
The morning has something a lot like the golden hour. It's different though, because it starts out as this silver blue hue and then slowly eclipses into this soft pink. I feel like the world is kissing my skin. It's in vein though. Charlie's tossing and turning right now in fever sweats; it's grief. I can't wake him though. It's no easier out here and he'll calm down eventually. I need to be alone anyhow.
I chose to do a gap semester instead of the whole year. Help Charlie adjust into his year eleven, take master classes online and I could pull a couple courses at Truham. Mr. Farouk had connections to the Uni I'd chosen. I was going to get out of that province and eventually take Charlie with me. I never thought it'd be like this.
Now I don't know much about America but I did see on the news prompter that was playing as we came into the lobby this morning that this side of the country was in just as bad a shape as home. Asheville North Carolina is only a couple hour drive from here and it's an island. A few cities surrounding Nashville are the same. A small one called Newport is completely under water.
Before that though is a popular tri-city area mostly funded by a celebrity named Dolly Parton. She's got her own resort, her own parkway, and her own theme park. Everything surrounding that is a moonshine mountain hillbilly paradise. They're not the biggest fans of queer folk here but America's got a better reputation that some other countries.
Check out is at ten. Then we're driving some more. We're driving through Pigeon Forge but I don't think we'll get to see Dolly's Dreammore resort or the theme park. We might see some bears though. That's exciting.
I don't know what this Kendall Knight person is like but he's come from Hollywood Hills. From my research I've discovered that his band lived in a hotel resort out there called Palm Springs and they took extra curricular classes out of Hollywood Arts. The societies probably had their teeth in him from the start. Being around any celebrity sounds like the last thing we need.
That dream crawls in my skin like fleas and I scratch at it.
I turn eighteen in a week. Charlie's still sixteen. They'd eat him alive.
As hard as I fight it I do fall asleep. This time it's only darkness. Warm, comforting darkness.
When I next awaken it's to Charlie shaking me. I open my eyes to him sitting on my lap like a concerned cat. Even his head tilts like he's curious and cautious.
"They're serving breakfast. I'm not hungry but I want to force myself to try." He tells me.
I nod and rise taking his hand. We cross the carpet and close ourselves up in the bathroom. I pull my shirt off as he unties the drawstring on his sweatpants. The water in the shower creates a steam almost instantly. The tempurature in the room is sixty five degrees so naturally there's a mist that covers the mirror and makes the bathroom feel much smaller than it is.
Together we stand pressed against each other in the water of the shower. The smell of citrus and lavendar come from the shampoo I lather into his hair. He washes my face for me. We kiss in the warmth.
Then we're getting dressed. I pat my face dry with the soft thick white towel as he pulls on a pair of jeans and that velvet red sweater I love so much. He's blow drying his curls as I zip up a purple hoodie over my white T-shirt and pull some matching sweats up over my hips. Imogen is already waiting for us out in the corridor when we finally step out. They took their phones too so I know she didn't know we were awake. Poor thing just woke up alone and I hate that for her.
We hug her and the three of us just stand there for a long time unwilling to move. Laughter rings out down the length of the corridor and a couple girls step out of their room with an empty bucket of ice and a bottle of Pink Witney talking about daydrinking. They get silent when they venture around the corner and then we hear them laugh again.
"Stuck up americans." Imogen mumbles wiping the tears from her eyes.
I shrug, "Maybe they have the right idea."
"I could use some wine." Says Charlie.
We get breakfast in the lobby and sit at a high top table next to one of the seven television monitors posted around the room. As I tear into sausage links, and eggs Charlie nibbles softly on an apple and sits some cranberry juice. Imogen has some toast and butter. Neither of them are really getting any sustenance from their food so I shove extra food into a ziplock bag and tuck it into my bag next to the journals I've been writing in since I ended up on this adventure. Tara's right. Writing it down helps.
Robyn comes down a bit later in her suit. Her hairs pulled back but I can tell it's still wet from her shower. She sees us and I sense an ease falling over her. She's a worrisome creature and I have no doubt in our mind she actually cares about us. She comes to the table and doesn't ask how we are but I can tell she wants too.
"We don't have to leave for a few more hours but if you're rested we can go. I'm fine with either. If you want more sleep that's fine." She's anxious and want to complete her mission. She's new at this.
"I can't sleep anymore." Says Imogen, "Does Uncle Kendall know we're on the way?"
She nods, "Yes. I spoke with him this morning. He's cleared his schedule for the day."
"It's warm here." Says Charlie.
I look at the television. There's a state of emergency being issued and people are evacuating where they can. Video footage shows places already damaged.
"I can't stand this feeling that I don't know what's next. I can't just sit here trying to sleep when I know I won't be able too." I say and I know Robyn feels the same.
So we pack up a car that was dropped off by another woman in a tuxedo, Robyn talks with her and we turn in the keys. Then we're back on the road. It's almost the exact same car. I know it's different though. The one before had marks here on the arm rest of the door. This one is newer and there's soft covers over the seats. It feels somehow warmer despite the tempurature being the same. And there a compartment between the front of the cab and us that I can open with an ease.
Inside I find bottles of water, dehydrated beef snacks, airplane bottles of hard liquor, and little bottles of wine. The hatch is closed and we might be too young for alcohol in America but we've had a hell of a week so I twist open a bottle of tequila and let it burn my throat. Charlie takes some wine and shares it with Imogen. After about twenty minutes we're in a bit of a- well it didn't exactly help. I'm still tired and sad but I'm no longer anxious.
So we listen to the music Robyn plays.
"I hate that all my friends could be dead and there's no way of knowing." Says Charlie.
Imogen takes his hand, "I've put in a request. While you were reuniting with Nick I asked that Polly do what he can to get them to us. I know that Sahar is gone and Tao... but Elle, Issac, Tara, and Darcy might make it. I watched him put in the request. He said that 'our joy and our love are essential'. I hope he wasn't just saying that to make me feel better."
The hatch pops and the three of us gasp at the sudden start.
"He wasn't. I don't know which ones but I know three of your friends have been secured and will be brought to us in due time. With the collapsed highways that could mean weeks but I want you to have hope." She smiles and I can tell she's about to cry so she shuts the barrier once more.
"Hope..." Charlie whispers, "I know a lot of people... it's like being asked which three of them finding me would make me the happiest. It's almost cruel."
I know that Tori is Charlie's best friend. She's his sister. She knows him better than any of us.
He held Tao as Tao died, that's horrifying. Issac and Elle have known him longer than I have. Tara and Darcy are my best friends. The guys on the rugby team are probably face down in a puddle somewhere. To think of all of that is damn near enough to break me so I open another bottle of tequila and kiss the opening with my dried up lips. This one burns less as we pass tricked out vintage cars, pick-up tricks, and a giant farris wheel. We bleed into a spur between the cities and there's a beautiful river running through the mountain divits next to us. 
Time passes. The leaves on the trees are no longer green, they're that crispy brown and orange that they are just before they fall. Autumn in America really is a spectacle here in the south. It smells the way a violin sounds. I'm drunk but I'm in a scholars mindset and therefore it feels like dreaming. A highway becomes a two way street and I note how terrifying it is to be on the opposite side of the road. In America they drive on the right side of the road. I feel like we could crash at any moment. The two way road becomes a winding narrow hill banking on the side of a mountain and I'm feeling like I could fall. Then the hill opens up to a windy gravel driveway.
We come to a stop.
The three of us step out to see the world. It's very different up here. We're over looking a massive forest that simply bleeds into the national park. Miles and miles separate us from any city. There are evergreens surrounding the property, it's warm here despite being autumn, a jacuzzi bubbles on the second floor of the manner.
I look up at the building. All the manners I know of look gothic and frightening. They are victorian and made up of old wood with luxurious designs on the doorframs and dramatic staircases. This is a bungalow. It's a cabin but it's also tropical. It's four stories with wrap around balconies that come complete with hammocks, knooks, bars, a pool is in the front yard and guarded by a waist high fence, two giant birds pose as the guardian statues to the few steps that lead up to the front door that's only a screen.
A man enters the mudroom beyond that screen door and it opens with a cheerful whine. He looks down at us but it's full of empathy and I'm not sure how to feel. He sighs deeply and comes down the steps.
"How are you Immy? I imagine you're all lions and butterflies about now." He gives her a weak smile and I try to interpret his words.
For an american he speaks rather illusively.
She droops her shoulders, "Last night... all I wanted to do was die. Right now I'm happy to be alive."
He steps aside and gestures toward the door, "Get settled in. My keepers will help you get settled. You'll find your belongings in the rooms I've picked out for you. I'm going to have a word with Ms. Robyn."
Imogen takes, at first, Charlie's hand and then my own. With my bookbag over my shoulder I follow her through the threshold and into this new world. What heartbreak awaits, I do not know. All I know is that the silver blue in here feels permanent and thus it is always morning. For the first time thoughts of my mother and my brother come across my mind. Nelly and Henry. My whole world is gone except Charlie. Or so I thought... until I heard her barking.
I rounded a corner and a woman stands there in the foyer in a maids outfit. Nelly by her side. I drop to my knees. My dog presses into me and I allow myself to weep. She's okay. I have her. Perhaps there is hope...