brat // bang chan

chapter forty-two

thoughts on paper

lee miyeon

*three weeks in australia*

pathetic. i felt utterly pathetic. since the call with hyunjin, i'd done next to nothing besides think of all the unsaid words i had for chan. all of the times we shut each other up with a kiss, or simply just walked away out of frustration. there were plenty of unsaid words, more than i'd anticipated. and i'd written them down on multiple pieces of paper.

the thoughts ranging from one worded questions, such as:

why?

and then to full on paragraphs full of curse words and any angry sentence i could think to write. but there was a reoccurring theme in many of the thoughts. a lot of them floating back to a time that seemed so foreign, so distant, a time where he'd confessed to me that he needed me. a lot of my thoughts wondering what happened to that need? he'd pushed me away time and time again, and sure he'd always done that, but at some point, he stopped trying to reel me back in, to get me to stay. he let me go, and i wondered why. what changed?

stray kids would land in australia a week from now, and i wanted to have my thoughts fully sorted before then. i thought i could do it, i thought writing everything out would make it easier. but it didn't. everything was a blurred mess, and pinpointing exactly when he stopped trying was near impossible. the back and fourth we had was constant, but i didn't notice when it had become... less.

it wasn't after he'd moved the tour dates up. and it certainly wasn't during the japan leg of the tour. but... after... when i'd wanted him to take it easy, after he'd got the cast taken off. that's when he slept with someone else, that fateful night that changbin came to my hotel, not to switch rooms, but to sleep. the day him and i had it out in the back of a car with minho between us. maybe that was when things changed.

but we'd made up, so i couldn't wrap my head around why. though, i had a thought to figure it out. it was probably a dead end, and wouldn't lead anywhere. but, there was obviously something i was missing, and i needed to figure it out before my thoughts could come together.

i needed to call changbin.

changbin was closest with chan, rooming with him in hotels and all, maybe... just maybe he knew something i didnt.

so i picked up my phone, despite the time difference, i didn't hesitate before i dialed his number, and judging by the fact that he picked up by the second ring, he didn't hesitate to answer.

"hey miyeon, you okay?" his voice comes through, a calm tone, as if he was settling in for the night.

"are you alone?" i bite my lip at the question. i couldn't talk if he was sharing a room with chan. i needed him to be unfiltered. if i wanted any chance of him telling me what he knew.

"chan's in the shower, why?" i tense at his name.

"can you step out of the room for a bit, i just... i need to talk to you about something important." he doesn't reply, but i hear shuffling, the sound of keys jingling, and a door open, then closing.

"hotel stairwell enough privacy for you?" he asks, and i could hear another door squeal open and shut.

"that's fine... can you... can you promise to be honest with me?" my tone was desperate, and i hated it, especially if this ended up being for nothing.

"yeah, what's this about? you don't sound okay..." his tone brooked with worry.

"when... when chan slept with that girl, and you came to my room..." i trail off, trying to find the right words.

"i was wondering if you'd ever ask." he replies before i could finish the thought. "you want to know if i know who it was, right?" i bite down on my lip, tears stinging at my eyes. and i nod, but quickly realize he can't see me, so i speak up.

"do you?" it was all i could muster out.

"yeah. i do." the words went through me like a ton of bricks. though i was happy he had the information i wanted, i wasn't sure how i would feel after finding out. if changbin knows her, does that mean i do as well? or maybe she's just someone from chan's pre-debut days... "do you want me to tell you?" changbin speaks again, likely worried for my lack of response.

"i think so..." i manage to reply.

"miyeon, if i tell you this i... just promise me you won't... freak out." his words only made me worry even more.

"i can't promise that, you know that." i don't bother lying.

"it was—"

"do i know her?" i cut him off, my blood running cold knowing he was seconds away from saying her name.

"you know of her." and as if it couldn't get any worse, i felt myself practically sinking into my own skin. "miyeon, i don't want to tell you if it's going to send you spiraling..."

"tell me." my voice was weak, and i heard him sigh.

"it was yeongsuk." he didn't add a surname, he didn't have to. because there was only one yeongsuk i knew, only one yeongsuk chan knew, and any of the boys for that matter. park yeongsuk. chan's fucking stylist. a staff member who we saw almost every single day, she came to every event, every concert. chan's stylist. i'd never had a conversation with her, she never seemed interested in talking to me. maybe now i know why. "miyeon, don't go quiet on me."

"thank you... for telling me..." i choke out. i had more questions. i wanted to know if it was the first time they'd hooked up, or if they'd done it since. but those weren't questions for changbin, though i was sure he'd tell me if i'd ask.

"i'm here for you. we all are." his tone soft.

"i know. i just... i'll see you guys in a week, okay?"

"we're looking forward to it." i could only nod, not able to muster up a reply. "call any of us if you need anything, any time of day. though you'll have better luck getting minho or jisung to answer you if you need help in the next few hours." he chuckles slightly, and i recalled how they stayed up latest, next to chan of course, but he wasn't exactly an option.

"yeah, i will. thank you."

"goodnight, miyeon— or, good morning, whatever time it is there." i roll my eyes at that, a small laugh coming from my lips.

"night, changbin." and the call ends. silence swallowing me as i think about the newly learned information. the staff was never too fond of my situationship with chan, and yeongsuk was a part of that staff. i wondered if it became a sort of rumor throughout the staff, that maybe i'd taken chan from her.

it made sense now though. after we made up, and had the most mind blowing sex i'd ever had. chan was distant. immediately after. and he'd said it was management that got in his head and made him think about how relationships aren't easy as an idol. but was it management, or was it yeongsuk? a question i knew only chan could answer, and i wasn't entirely sure i could bring something like that up without it turning into an argument.

but maybe that's what had to happen. like hyunjin said, maybe i needed to curse him out, to rip him a new one, call him every name under the sun. maybe it's what we needed. maybe it was the only way to convey how i really feel about him. to let him know that i was in this, complicated or not. it would be a plea, a beg, for him to start talking to me. and if that had to be done through an argument...

so be it.