brat // bang chan

chapter thirty-five

let go

lee miyeon

i take a deep breath, standing in front of the door to chan and changbin's hotel room. the keycard in my hand as i nervously fiddle with the edge of my skirt.

"this is stupid..." i mumble to myself, shoving the keycard into my purse. i then raise my fist to knock on the door instead, but before i could, it pulls open, chan's eyes widening slightly as he spots me.

"miyeon? hey..." he chuckles, slightly furrowing his brows.

"hey um... i was just about to knock." i chuckle, awkwardly clearing my throat.

"did you need anything?" he asks.

"well... i actually wanted to talk to you." i tell him, nervously looking up to meet his gaze.

"oh... right now? i was gonna go for a quick workout." he states, causing me to look at his outfit. black ripped jeans paired with a white tank top and a black leather jacket. he's lying to me...

"actually yeah... right now." i stay persistent.

"um okay, come in." he nods, scooting to the side so that i could walk into the room. i could tell he wasn't entirely happy with the fact that he was going to have to talk with me. but that gives me all the more reason to figure out why. "so what's up?" he questions, shutting and locking the door before he follows me into the room.

"are we okay?" i start, not really knowing what to say.

"yeah? i mean, we made up, so..." he trails off, even his own tone unsure. i remember changbin's words, telling me to just straight up ask him.

"so... why— why are you avoiding me?" i stutter out the question, watching his expression carefully.

"i'm not avoiding you." he shakes his head, voice sounding as if he was trying to convince himself more than me.

"we haven't had any alone time since we made up, and when i brought it up to you, you sounded like you were afraid of it. not to mention right now." i speak with newfound confidence.

"i've been busy. remember, i literally missed soundcheck to make up with you. and what do you mean right now?" he questions.

"the gym? in ripped jeans and a leather jacket?" i cock an eyebrow at him. "you once told me if it was allowed, you'd go to the gym naked. pigs would fly before you went to the gym in jeans." i cross my arms over my chest and chan looks away, frowning slightly.

"fine. i lied." he mumbles.

"why?" i ask, hating how my voice slightly broke. i thought we had fixed everything.

"i don't know... i'm just... i don't wanna fuck this up again." he sighs frustratedly.

"well, if you keep avoiding me there won't be anything between us to fuck up." i tell him.

"exactly." he nods. i sigh.

"what happened to us? i mean— we used to be so much better at this." another sigh escapes my lips as i refer to the sheer amount of awkwardness between us. it was honestly too much to bare.

"you're just too... perfect. you're too much." he suddenly speaks, moving to lean against the wall as another frustrated sigh slips past his lips.

"huh?" i question, brows furrowing, waiting for him to say more.

"i need you to just be a brat. let me put you in your place, you listen to me. but you're so much more than that..." he rambles.

"chan-"

"you're a perfect listener, but you care about me. you ask questions, you make sure i'm okay... and i... i can't stand that."

"well... sorry..." i mumble, looking away from him.

"it makes my heart beat way too fast, i get fucking butterflies. and all i want to do is pull you into my arms and tell you how much i love you." he confesses, completely shocking me to my core.

"wait-" but he wouldn't let me get a word out.

"it's too much, miyeon. it's too real. i can't control it. i can't control you." his tone was final as his gaze burns right through me, even though i was looking away from him. his look was intense.

"channie... you don't have to control everything..." i speak cautiously, slowly raising my gaze to his. his eyes were softer than i had anticipated. it was clear he was frustrated with himself, and not me at all.

"i can't control myself around you. but miyeon— i have to. i can't let go, if i let go it's just... it's a recipe for disaster." he looks away, blinking rapidly.

"who told you that?" i question.

"what?"

"who told you that you can't indulge in yourself? that you can't let go every now and then?" i clarify, taking cautious steps towards him.

"it's-"

"chan... let go." it was now my turn to interrupt him.

"miyeon-"

"no. if the only thing holding you back from having your way with me is your constant need to be in control— then let go." i speak firmly, yet softly.

"i can't... once i give in i wont want to stop it." he shakes his head, keeping his gaze off of me as i step right in front of him, allowing my hands to reach for his, holding them softly in my own. i was trying my hardest to give him the reassurance he needed.

"chan. all of our problems have been from you trying to stop us. so how about we try it the other way around? it's okay to let yourself lose control." a huge realization washing over me as i realize that this "kink" really just derives from his constant need to be in control. he likes having someone who will do as he says, and someone who he can put into their place when they don't listen. i could only imagine how stressful it must be for him, having a job where things weren't always in his control, hence his desire to keep things going between us.

"it's not." he shakes his head, but makes no move to step away from my touches as i get even closer to him.

"it is with me." i tell him softly, reaching a hand up to caress his jaw before standing on my toes, reaching up to press a light kiss against his lips. he reluctantly kisses me back, sighing into my lips.

"miyeon..." he breathes, looking down at me, a mixture of desire and fear swirling in his eyes.

"chan if you stop me right now, you will never have another chance with me. and i mean that. so you need to decide right now. what do you want? cause i can't keep getting close to you, only for you to kick me to the curb when you start to feel things-"

"fuck it." he cuts me off, his own hands coming up to grab my face as he firmly presses his lips against mine. i smile into the kiss, heart beginning to race as he switches our positions, pinning me up against the wall as he presses his knee between my legs. i couldn't help but feel proud of myself as i feel him relax, seemingly giving in to what he wants.

and god, i wish he would have done this ages ago.

but it was definitely worth the wait.